Why me? Oh lord, why me? FML.

I swear God must love fucking with me. That's the only thing I can think of. There's absolutely no other explanation for the BULL MALARKY. I just can't catch a break can I? So I've been unemployed since oh I dont know, mid August, and I've must have sent out over 50 applications (no joke) for various jobs. Finally, I get a call for a job and get hired on the spot. I had orientation this morning and because of my appearance, resume, and demeanor I was asked to start tonight as well. This is sounding like a good day right?! And then BAM! I'm hit with this situation again and I can only ask "Why the fuck me?" Out of ALL the restaurants in the city, and out of ALL the applications I sent out, the situation would haunt me at the ONE place that called. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So I'm back in this shit again but I refuse to be back in the shit. I will kill with kindness. It will not enter the work place. I will stay professional and courteous when need be but I don't want to be in the nonsense. I wanted my work to offer new relationships and friendships and this dark cloud that seems to FOLLOW ME WHEREVER THE HELL I GO kinda spoils it a little.

I will just stay focused in doing a good job and pray that nothing will come of this. God, WHY do you keep testing me?

Headaches

Last week was so promising. Went on some interviews, went on some auditions and now it's just the waiting game. Waiting for email, phone calls, somebody saying you have an interview...or someone offering me a job!

I had an interview last week with for an entry level position for an office production assistant  for 600/week. The job was for a movie being shot down here til April and by the time it wrapped, if i got the job, I would have made close to 15gs! But I have a hunch they wanted someone with more experience. Damn! I would have done anything for that kind of money...even putting all my acting gigs on hold.  My mom and I decided that if it was God's will, he would call and offer me the job. There's 8 days left until the job starts...we'll see.

Other than that, its just been application after application with my standards getting lower and lower. Student loans start in about 2 weeks and I have til Nov. to make the first payment. This just causes one big migraine after another. Along with other things...

For the love of God, LEAVE ME ALONE.

To whom this may concern:

I don't have to call you out because you know who you are. This has gone on for way too long now. I don't know what else I can possibly do to get away from you. I hold no anger, no resentment, no feelings AT ALL now. I do not talk of you, I do not think about you anymore. I have tried to remove myself from all things associated with this MESS. Yet, I'm continually sought out for some odd reason. Whether it be to invite me to church, to tell me how you've moved on, wishing me the best, etc. --all things I don't care to know. And now after months of no contact, you come on my personal blog that I write for me to try to censor me?! I think not. I have every right to say what I want as a form of freedom of speech, especially when my words harm no one because they are thoughts for myself to read later. Not for anyone else and if you have a problem with that, that sounds like a personal problem to me. If my thoughts or ideas do not agree with yours and are causing you grief or animosity is someway, here's a simple solution: don't read my blog. Wow, it's that simple. I asked to be left alone so if you read this blog, you read at your own risk and I really don't want to hear whining about it. I don't dictate how people should think or live their lives so I don't expect  you to try to dictate mine.

This long drawn out saga really needs to end. Prove to me that you've truly grown up and let's settle this like adults now. No more contact.

Relief :)

So things have basically been the same...still no job, still bickering with Dad, still stuck at home. Yet something is different. I feel this strange sort of relief. Big things are happening as far as my acting career...got an audition tomorrow for a certain vampire movie that I won't say (hehe) and I have to speak Portuguese! Haha! It would be an honor just to get a call back for this film but the odds are against me. Though I have my fingers crossed that even if I don't get the part, I can make some connections out it. Got another audition on Wednesday in Baton Rouge and I have a potential hookup with a movie with Tracy Morgan, but thats still in preproduction. So that part of life is looking up.

I might sound like a bitch for this, but the reason for relief is because something that has caused me many headaches for the past couple years seems to have finally left me...the resentment I mean. Just the mere fact of knowing that the outcome was probably the best thing for my life is a relief. I just keep thinking about what could have happened and where I would have ended up and I literally shiver. I should have never settled and I'm soooooooo glad it didn't happen. Just wasn't the life for me. If I learned one thing from living with my dad, it's that I am no simpleton. And I can't live a simpleton's life. I reach for higher things, not laying around getting high. *Side note* I can't wait to make that song with you Troy-Peter Pan in the works baby! Anyways, so I'm glad I still have my "dignity" untouched and congrats to the one who can keep up with me and whos in love with my beauty AND brains.

And I'm gonna stop apologizing for being pretty. Blame my parents. :)