Nostalgia is a bitch that eats at the center of your soul.
It's a state I turn to often but tonight was only further intensified by the addition of alcohol and a feeling of loneliness. Most people enjoy reminiscing about the past but I find for me, it brings me to a dark place. My heart literally aches and longs for the past. It brings about a tightness in my chest and a heightened sense of anxiety. I wish I had my Xanax right now...
I have a lot of regrets in life and if I could, I would hop in a time machine and do it all over, very differently. But at the end of the day, all you have is the present because the future isn't guarenteed. So while I want to be hopeful, I can't because I don't have a crystal ball. So what's the point of wishing if you can't deal with the shit in the present, for the present effects the future. That's why I never understood optimism...I understand realism. For some people realism gets mistaken for pessimism but if your reality is awful, how can you not be a negative realist?
I so want to believe that I'm wrong but somehow I feel that I'm not. Does that make me cynical? Maybe. I want to be wrong about this time, but I believe in patterns...and this seems to fit. But GOD, I want to believe in truth and virtue and honesty again. I don't want to live in a box of Karuna and Bhayanaka...but in a world of Hasya and Santa from the greatest Sanskrit word of Sringara: LOVE.
As I sleep, I can only dream of a Loveful tomorrow. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Exhausted but Optimistic
I'm so glad that I'm going home in 3 days! I just gotta make it till Friday. I have a huge Bio of Sex exam tomorrow at 7:30 (yuck) a 10 short essay take home final for my Race & Ethnicity, and a 20 page research paper for my Family Health Problems class. I'm sleep deprived, not feeling well, and trying to stay in a positive state of mind. I feel as though the better I'm getting with myself, people around me are crumbling. My mind is trying to speak to them rationally but I often feel like I don't have a right to contribute advice considering what happened a couple weeks ago. And I guess you can say I'm giving advice to help them, yes, but also for my own selfish reasons because my heart aches for friendships, companionship...that type of stuff.
On the bright side, some broken friendships have been fixed and old friendships have been renewed. I don't want to speak too soon though because I know how quickly feelings can change. I'm just hoping for the best. This is really weird because I haven't been home in 5 months and a lot of changes has happened at home over that period of time. I'm just excited for a month long break without classes and homework and tests. And boy do I need a break.
Everything is beginning to fix itself, except...this pulsing thing in my chest and this squishy thing in my head. Always in some sort of conflict. I've let my brain run my life for a while and I wanna know what its like to follow my heart. My heart's been achy for a while now and I just wanna fix it. But is this "fix" gonna be temporary again or permanent this time? Last time I went with the temporary fix, it ended up making it worse, making it infected and constant pain. Time got rid of the infection and I learned to just deal with the sporadic tinges of pain. Now the same question presents itself to me again. I'm gonna go with the permanent solution. I just hope it isn't a knock off. I need the real deal. Maybe it'll work for my heart. We'll see.
On the bright side, some broken friendships have been fixed and old friendships have been renewed. I don't want to speak too soon though because I know how quickly feelings can change. I'm just hoping for the best. This is really weird because I haven't been home in 5 months and a lot of changes has happened at home over that period of time. I'm just excited for a month long break without classes and homework and tests. And boy do I need a break.
Everything is beginning to fix itself, except...this pulsing thing in my chest and this squishy thing in my head. Always in some sort of conflict. I've let my brain run my life for a while and I wanna know what its like to follow my heart. My heart's been achy for a while now and I just wanna fix it. But is this "fix" gonna be temporary again or permanent this time? Last time I went with the temporary fix, it ended up making it worse, making it infected and constant pain. Time got rid of the infection and I learned to just deal with the sporadic tinges of pain. Now the same question presents itself to me again. I'm gonna go with the permanent solution. I just hope it isn't a knock off. I need the real deal. Maybe it'll work for my heart. We'll see.
Monday, December 14, 2009
My brain
I don't have a title for this blog. I just feel like writing a stream of consciousness because I'm feeling a wave a different emotions so here goes nothing:
I'm feeling very pissed jealous why isn't my phone ringing what the fuck is going on i hate him i hate her i hate them fuck everyone fuck myself fuck my life haven't been fucked in a while haven't been loved in a while why can't i still be with Delvin sighs all guys are assholes i just want to have a boyfriend i don't want to be lonely i want to have friends and true friends fuck fake friends or frienemies, gotta lot of those, just wants to do a master cleanse, a master cleanse of people in my life and start over, not diseased, skinny, back to when i was 14, it sucks not being popular anymore was my popularity in high school only because the guys wanted me? at least i was wanted at one time, now im disposable, no one remembers me, I GIVE SO FUCKIN MUCH, I BARE MY SOUL, AND GET NOTHING IN RETURN. I hate the world, I hate being here, I wish my attempt was successful, I wonder how many people would have been there? Would they have cried or felt guilty, I wish somebody would feel fuckin guilty, i wish I didn't have to hear about other ppls petty bullshit, i wish i had compassion and wasn't cynical, i'm selfish but i deserve to be selfish, my life is hard, and fuck anybody who gives my life a comparison to someone who's homeless or bullshit, i just wanna poke everybody with the fucking syringes that i have to do everyday, i want to poke them and poke them til they bleed and bleed a river for all the blood and tears I'VE lost. I just wanna punch something, punch something til im fuckin exhausted, so i can melt into my bed and cry a sea of tears and then have my imaginary friend come and comfort me, maybe ill just dehydrate myself again so i can hallucinate a friend. I don't know how much i can deal with this alone FUCK HIM he's never there when I need him, Everyone else forgets me, She's fucking shady, surrounded by liars who will smile in your face and then stab you in the back Oh she's so fuckin pretty, Sometimes I catch myself staring at you and I'm in awe of your beauty FucK THAT bUllshti! she's so pretyt she's so pretty...fucking broken record, ugh why do i put myself through this, must be a glutton for punishment grrrr I hate myself lost all confidence drink more water drink more water dehydration equals skinny drink more water living in a hell whole just wanna stop got get back to being desirable by boys and friends again this is sad. I am pathetic. Have nothing else to say.
I'm feeling very pissed jealous why isn't my phone ringing what the fuck is going on i hate him i hate her i hate them fuck everyone fuck myself fuck my life haven't been fucked in a while haven't been loved in a while why can't i still be with Delvin sighs all guys are assholes i just want to have a boyfriend i don't want to be lonely i want to have friends and true friends fuck fake friends or frienemies, gotta lot of those, just wants to do a master cleanse, a master cleanse of people in my life and start over, not diseased, skinny, back to when i was 14, it sucks not being popular anymore was my popularity in high school only because the guys wanted me? at least i was wanted at one time, now im disposable, no one remembers me, I GIVE SO FUCKIN MUCH, I BARE MY SOUL, AND GET NOTHING IN RETURN. I hate the world, I hate being here, I wish my attempt was successful, I wonder how many people would have been there? Would they have cried or felt guilty, I wish somebody would feel fuckin guilty, i wish I didn't have to hear about other ppls petty bullshit, i wish i had compassion and wasn't cynical, i'm selfish but i deserve to be selfish, my life is hard, and fuck anybody who gives my life a comparison to someone who's homeless or bullshit, i just wanna poke everybody with the fucking syringes that i have to do everyday, i want to poke them and poke them til they bleed and bleed a river for all the blood and tears I'VE lost. I just wanna punch something, punch something til im fuckin exhausted, so i can melt into my bed and cry a sea of tears and then have my imaginary friend come and comfort me, maybe ill just dehydrate myself again so i can hallucinate a friend. I don't know how much i can deal with this alone FUCK HIM he's never there when I need him, Everyone else forgets me, She's fucking shady, surrounded by liars who will smile in your face and then stab you in the back Oh she's so fuckin pretty, Sometimes I catch myself staring at you and I'm in awe of your beauty FucK THAT bUllshti! she's so pretyt she's so pretty...fucking broken record, ugh why do i put myself through this, must be a glutton for punishment grrrr I hate myself lost all confidence drink more water drink more water dehydration equals skinny drink more water living in a hell whole just wanna stop got get back to being desirable by boys and friends again this is sad. I am pathetic. Have nothing else to say.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Alone Part 2: Saturday Night
2nd night of the weekend, still in the same position at last night.
Alprazolam, also known to everyone else in the world as Xanax, is starting to kick it. It keeps me in a quasi reality. It also makes it easier to the endure the silence that I've been experiencing since 1 in the afternoon today. It's hard to go the entire day without uttering words from your mouth to another human being...but somehow I manage to do the impossible. I can't even muster a laugh at my own sarcasm.
Life is just hard. Especially when Escitalopram, commonly known as the SSRI medication Lexipro, may increase my "bad thoughts"-for lack of a better euphemism- before I start to feel better.
The loneliness of it all is what's eating me up inside. I just feel trapped. Trapped in upstate NY, Trapped in Ithaca, Trapped in college, trapped in the four walls of a room...trapped inside my own mind.
Sometimes my sadness and loneliness manifests itself in the form of rage, and I'm forced to rage against the machine. My bodies trying to funtion normally but there's this hungry beast inside of me that's been growing for 21 years and hasn't eaten in 5 years. It's eating me alive in trying to get out but I'm afraid of bloodbath that will happen if it's released. No matter how I describe it figuratively, no one will understand the torment my head is causing me.
I think it's pathetic that I sit here staring at my computer, staring at my phone, just hoping that someone will remember that I'm alive. Everyone keeps saying that how do they know if something's wrong with me if I don't tell them. And my answer to that is because it's hard! How can I possibly reach out to people who I haven't spoken to in awhile and just unload my problems? And the thing that really makes me angry about that sentiment is the fact that if I had friends, they would have known something was wrong. Why is it they everyone runs to your rescue when it a crisis but when things settle down, disappear? It's the same problem with the health care center. It's a lack of "Refocusing Upstream." If all you do is treat a problem without preventative action, most likely more problems will occur. If you claim to be my friend and only try to stop me from quitting on life without being there in my life,
And just for shits and giggles, If you read this blog or have any thoughts, comment, maybe just to let me know that I'm not just talking to myself and that my only friend is not this computer and the thoughts in my head. Then I can prove my point...but to whom? haha I'll be pathetically proving a point to myself that I already agree with. Great.
F. M. L.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters...
Here I am once again, alone on a Friday night.
Tried drawing...that passed a couple of hours.
Ha.
I just can't seem to focus on doing anywork on anything. I have soooo much due but I can't seem to muster any motivation to finish anything. Something's been disconnected in the hard wiring of my brain. My brain is just floating with random things: Meditation, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, ALPRAZOLAM, Field Notes, Narrations, Greek Monologues, Fall Out Boy, Twilight, ALPRAZOLAM, Lack of friends, ALPRAZOLAM, ESCITALOPRAM, METRONIDAZOLE, Graduation Graduation, HOME, HOME, ALPRAZOLAM.
Trying to avoid being in the same hairy situation...Sometimes I think I deserve to feel a great sense of lonliness. And other times, I think Why me?
****ALPRAZOLAM BREAK******
I would rather die a quiet death and be no more, than living life in hardships with few rays of sunshine. There's not enough sunshine in the day to break me out of this funk.
"I don't wanna be lonely, I just want to be alone..."- Silverchair
Tonight has made me think of the old childhood saying that was suppose to give you comfort when you got in a fight: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. I think you have a greater chance of surviving sticks and stones than words. Words cut like a knife. The phrase really out to be From stick and stones, I will heal, but words will get someone killed. We are socially beings and the most intelligent species on the planet. Everything has to do with words and the feelings of others towards you. If anyone disagrees, I dare you to live in solitary confinement and see if you remain sane...remain your same self...a self that was created and molded by the feelings and thoughts of other individuals (your parents, your friends, your teachers, society). Sometimes we say things in the heat of passion, anger, frustration---I HOPE YOU DIE! GO GET CANCER! JUST KILL YOURSELF! I HATE YOU!---We say these things because we're trying to express to other person how much we're in pain so we translate that by shouting something equally as hurtful to the other person. But I would challenge anyone to think about the other person through your pain. What damage might you cause to this person? And even if not immediate, what about long term? You never know what each human being is going through at the time, and your one random expression of pain through your words may be the last thing you say to that person through unexpected deaths or...planned ones. I know that in my current state, I couldn't take any more words. Just stone me do death if you must.
I have a keen sense of awareness and rely on my guts to tell me when somethings up...my guts are in knots and I feel a storm is brewing...
"Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address
On the same old loneliness"- Fall Out Boy
Fuck me.
Tried drawing...that passed a couple of hours.
Ha.
I just can't seem to focus on doing anywork on anything. I have soooo much due but I can't seem to muster any motivation to finish anything. Something's been disconnected in the hard wiring of my brain. My brain is just floating with random things: Meditation, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, ALPRAZOLAM, Field Notes, Narrations, Greek Monologues, Fall Out Boy, Twilight, ALPRAZOLAM, Lack of friends, ALPRAZOLAM, ESCITALOPRAM, METRONIDAZOLE, Graduation Graduation, HOME, HOME, ALPRAZOLAM.
Trying to avoid being in the same hairy situation...Sometimes I think I deserve to feel a great sense of lonliness. And other times, I think Why me?
****ALPRAZOLAM BREAK******
I would rather die a quiet death and be no more, than living life in hardships with few rays of sunshine. There's not enough sunshine in the day to break me out of this funk.
"I don't wanna be lonely, I just want to be alone..."- Silverchair
Tonight has made me think of the old childhood saying that was suppose to give you comfort when you got in a fight: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. I think you have a greater chance of surviving sticks and stones than words. Words cut like a knife. The phrase really out to be From stick and stones, I will heal, but words will get someone killed. We are socially beings and the most intelligent species on the planet. Everything has to do with words and the feelings of others towards you. If anyone disagrees, I dare you to live in solitary confinement and see if you remain sane...remain your same self...a self that was created and molded by the feelings and thoughts of other individuals (your parents, your friends, your teachers, society). Sometimes we say things in the heat of passion, anger, frustration---I HOPE YOU DIE! GO GET CANCER! JUST KILL YOURSELF! I HATE YOU!---We say these things because we're trying to express to other person how much we're in pain so we translate that by shouting something equally as hurtful to the other person. But I would challenge anyone to think about the other person through your pain. What damage might you cause to this person? And even if not immediate, what about long term? You never know what each human being is going through at the time, and your one random expression of pain through your words may be the last thing you say to that person through unexpected deaths or...planned ones. I know that in my current state, I couldn't take any more words. Just stone me do death if you must.
I have a keen sense of awareness and rely on my guts to tell me when somethings up...my guts are in knots and I feel a storm is brewing...
"Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address
On the same old loneliness"- Fall Out Boy
Fuck me.
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