Nostalgia is a bitch

Nostalgia is a bitch that eats at the center of your soul.

It's a state I turn to often but tonight was only further intensified by the addition of alcohol and a feeling of loneliness. Most people enjoy reminiscing about the past but I find for me, it brings me to a dark place. My heart literally aches and longs for the past. It brings about a tightness in my chest and a heightened sense of anxiety. I wish I had my Xanax right now...

I have a lot of regrets in life and if I could, I would hop in a time machine and do it all over, very differently. But at the end of the day, all you have is the present because the future isn't guarenteed. So while I want to be hopeful, I can't because I don't have a crystal ball. So what's the point of wishing if you can't deal with the shit in the present, for the present effects the future. That's why I never understood optimism...I understand realism. For some people realism gets mistaken for pessimism but if your reality is awful, how can you not be a negative realist?

I so want to believe that I'm wrong but somehow I feel that I'm not. Does that make me cynical? Maybe. I want to be wrong about this time, but I believe in patterns...and this seems to fit. But GOD, I want to believe in truth and virtue and honesty again. I don't want to live in a box of Karuna and Bhayanaka...but in a world of Hasya and Santa from the greatest Sanskrit word of Sringara: LOVE.

As I sleep, I can only dream of a Loveful tomorrow. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Exhausted but Optimistic

I'm so glad that I'm going home in 3 days! I just gotta make it till Friday. I have a huge Bio of Sex exam tomorrow at 7:30 (yuck) a 10 short essay take home final for my Race & Ethnicity, and a 20 page research paper for my Family Health Problems class. I'm sleep deprived, not feeling well, and trying to stay in a positive state of mind. I feel as though the better I'm getting with myself, people around me are crumbling. My mind is trying to speak to them rationally but I often feel like I don't have a right to contribute advice considering what happened a couple weeks ago. And I guess you can say I'm giving advice to help them, yes, but also for my own selfish reasons because my heart aches for friendships, companionship...that type of stuff.

On the bright side, some broken friendships have been fixed and old friendships have been renewed. I don't want to speak too soon though because I know how quickly feelings can change. I'm just hoping for the best. This is really weird because I haven't been home in 5 months and a lot of changes has happened at home over that period of time. I'm just excited for a month long break without classes and homework and tests. And boy do I need a break.

Everything is beginning to fix itself, except...this pulsing thing in my chest and this squishy thing in my head. Always in some sort of conflict. I've let my brain run my life for a while and I wanna know what its like to follow my heart. My heart's been achy for a while now and I just wanna fix it. But is this "fix" gonna be temporary again or permanent this time? Last time I went with the temporary fix, it ended up making it worse, making it infected and constant pain. Time got rid of the infection and I learned to just deal with the sporadic tinges of pain. Now the same question presents itself to me again. I'm gonna go with the permanent solution. I just hope it isn't a knock off. I need the real deal. Maybe it'll work for my heart. We'll see.

My brain

I don't have a title for this blog. I just feel like writing a stream of consciousness because I'm feeling a wave a different emotions so here goes nothing:

I'm feeling very pissed jealous why isn't my phone ringing what the fuck is going on i hate him i hate her i hate them fuck everyone fuck myself fuck my life haven't been fucked in a while haven't been loved in a while why can't i still be with Delvin sighs all guys are assholes i just want to have a boyfriend i don't want to be lonely i want to have friends and true friends fuck fake friends or frienemies, gotta lot of those, just wants to do a master cleanse, a master cleanse of people in my life and start over, not diseased, skinny, back to when i was 14, it sucks not being popular anymore was my popularity in high school only because the guys wanted me? at least i was wanted at one time, now im disposable, no one remembers me, I GIVE SO FUCKIN MUCH, I BARE MY SOUL, AND GET NOTHING IN RETURN. I hate the world, I hate being here, I wish my attempt was successful, I wonder how many people would have been there? Would they have cried or felt guilty, I wish somebody would feel fuckin guilty, i wish I didn't have to hear about other ppls petty bullshit, i wish i had compassion and wasn't cynical, i'm selfish but i deserve to be selfish, my life is hard, and fuck anybody who gives my life a comparison to someone who's homeless or bullshit, i just wanna poke everybody with the fucking syringes that i have to do everyday, i want to poke them and poke them til they bleed and bleed a river for all the blood and tears I'VE lost. I just wanna punch something, punch something til im fuckin exhausted, so i can melt into my bed and cry a sea of tears and then have my imaginary friend come and comfort me, maybe ill just dehydrate myself again so i can hallucinate a friend. I don't know how much i can deal with this alone FUCK HIM he's never there when I need him, Everyone else forgets me, She's fucking shady, surrounded by liars who will smile in your face and then stab you in the back Oh she's so fuckin pretty, Sometimes I catch myself staring at you and I'm in awe of your beauty FucK THAT bUllshti! she's so pretyt she's so pretty...fucking broken record, ugh why do i put myself through this, must be a glutton for punishment grrrr I hate myself lost all confidence drink more water drink more water dehydration equals skinny drink more water living in a hell whole just wanna stop got get back to being desirable by boys and friends again this is sad. I am pathetic. Have nothing else to say.

Alone Part 2: Saturday Night

2nd night of the weekend, still in the same position at last night.

Alprazolam, also known to everyone else in the world as Xanax, is starting to kick it. It keeps me in a quasi reality. It also makes it easier to the endure the silence that I've been experiencing since 1 in the afternoon today. It's hard to go the entire day without uttering words from your mouth to another human being...but somehow I manage to do the impossible. I can't even muster a laugh at my own sarcasm.

Life is just hard. Especially when Escitalopram, commonly known as the SSRI medication Lexipro, may increase my "bad thoughts"-for lack of a better euphemism- before I start to feel better.

The loneliness of it all is what's eating me up inside. I just feel trapped. Trapped in upstate NY, Trapped in Ithaca, Trapped in college, trapped in the four walls of a room...trapped inside my own mind.

Sometimes my sadness and loneliness manifests itself in the form of rage, and I'm forced to rage against the machine. My bodies trying to funtion normally but there's this hungry beast inside of me that's been growing for 21 years and hasn't eaten in 5 years. It's eating me alive in trying to get out but I'm afraid of bloodbath that will happen if it's released. No matter how I describe it figuratively, no one will understand the torment my head is causing me.

I think it's pathetic that I sit here staring at my computer, staring at my phone, just hoping that someone will remember that I'm alive. Everyone keeps saying that how do they know if something's wrong with me if I don't tell them. And my answer to that is because it's hard! How can I possibly reach out to people who I haven't spoken to in awhile and just unload my problems? And the thing that really makes me angry about that sentiment is the fact that if I had friends, they would have known something was wrong. Why is it they everyone runs to your rescue when it a crisis but when things settle down, disappear? It's the same problem with the health care center. It's a lack of "Refocusing Upstream." If all you do is treat a problem without preventative action, most likely more problems will occur. If you claim to be my friend and only try to stop me from quitting on life without being there in my life, most likely one day i'll just end up...more problems will occur.

And just for shits and giggles, If you read this blog or have any thoughts, comment, maybe just to let me know that I'm not just talking to myself and that my only friend is not this computer and the thoughts in my head. Then I can prove my point...but to whom? haha I'll be pathetically proving a point to myself that I already agree with. Great.

F. M. L.

This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters...

Here I am once again, alone on a Friday night.

Tried drawing...that passed a couple of hours.

Ha.


I just can't seem to focus on doing anywork on anything. I have soooo much due but I can't seem to muster any motivation to finish anything. Something's been disconnected in the hard wiring of my brain. My brain is just floating with random things: Meditation, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, ALPRAZOLAM, Field Notes, Narrations, Greek Monologues, Fall Out Boy, Twilight, ALPRAZOLAM, Lack of friends, ALPRAZOLAM, ESCITALOPRAM, METRONIDAZOLE, Graduation Graduation, HOME, HOME, ALPRAZOLAM.

Trying to avoid being in the same hairy situation...Sometimes I think I deserve to feel a great sense of lonliness. And other times, I think Why me?

****ALPRAZOLAM BREAK******

I would rather die a quiet death and be no more, than living life in hardships with few rays of sunshine. There's not enough sunshine in the day to break me out of this funk.

"I don't wanna be lonely, I just want to be alone..."- Silverchair

Tonight has made me think of the old childhood saying that was suppose to give you comfort when you got in a fight: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. I think you have a greater chance of surviving sticks and stones than words. Words cut like a knife. The phrase really out to be From stick and stones, I will heal, but words will get someone killed. We are socially beings and the most intelligent species on the planet. Everything has to do with words and the feelings of others towards you. If anyone disagrees, I dare you to live in solitary confinement and see if you remain sane...remain your same self...a self that was created and molded by the feelings and thoughts of other individuals (your parents, your friends, your teachers, society). Sometimes we say things in the heat of passion, anger, frustration---I HOPE YOU DIE! GO GET CANCER! JUST KILL YOURSELF! I HATE YOU!---We say these things because we're trying to express to other person how much we're in pain so we translate that by shouting something equally as hurtful to the other person. But I would challenge anyone to think about the other person through your pain. What damage might you cause to this person? And even if not immediate, what about long term? You never know what each human being is going through at the time, and your one random expression of pain through your words may be the last thing you say to that person through unexpected deaths or...planned ones. I know that in my current state, I couldn't take any more words. Just stone me do death if you must.

I have a keen sense of awareness and rely on my guts to tell me when somethings up...my guts are in knots and I feel a storm is brewing...

"Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address
On the same old loneliness"- Fall Out Boy

Fuck me.

Recovery

Well I'm finally out of the hospital. I guess

I mean, I don't really know what to say actually. Funny that I'm writing a blog and can't find the right words to explain myself. So I'm not going to explain myself and just leave it as what it is.


I'm hoping that the pills will help my anxiety. And as for the other stuff, I hope talking will help.

I'm constantly climbing uphill but I got to drop off a little baggage...I finally had the courage to be honest with my parents about what was going on, but most importantly, I was finally honest with myself. I wanna be optimistic but I've let myself down so many times before. It scares me but I'm gonna try my hardest this time, because I don't want any more "next times" because who knows how much time I'll actually have if I continue on the path I'm on.

I guess all I can ask is of myself is to not give up. But like I've said before, it's hard to motivate yourself when you're by yourself.

I guess today was better?

Last night I didn't get much sleep. For some reason I didn't want to sleep. Usually I don't have this problem because I'm an insomniac and don't have a decision in the matter of not sleeping. But last night was different. I was tired but I made the decision to stay up. After reaching 7 am however, I was defeated and crawled in bed. I wish I hadn't. I dreamt that I was trying to off myself. It was only a two hour sleep before my alarm went off to start on yet another day in life.

Still had a lack of energy. Still was a walking zombie. However there was short sparks of light today. I learned that I was missed. This semester I hadn't be doing any other than taking class. No Rock Hard, no ALS, no Spit That...I guess you can say I've been ghost on campus. Well I went to the pub today to eat lunch and was surprised to find that people had actually noticed that I haven't been around. And just now right before I wrote this blog, my roommate just informed me that people were asking for me yet again. This brings a quiet smile to my face. It's the little things like that that make you feel like you have a purpose. Maybe if I left this world tomorrow, some people would notice.

They don't know it, but those people who asked for me today might have made the difference between me downing a bottle and waking up tomorrow. Which further makes me wonder:

Is someone up there trying to tell me something?

Just 4 pills before bed tonight.

It's all downhill...again.

Today I had an anxiety attack. A bad directing class triggered it and when thinking about the actual event that took place, it's not that monumental of an event. But because of the week I've been having...the year i've been havingthe LIFE I'VE BEEN HAVING, I guess it all just came to the surface today. Now I'm being sucked down this horrible dark spiral that I can't get out off. I stared at a bottle of pills for quite a while tonight. That's when the what ifs started playing in my head, which is never a good sign..

what if i take 10 pills?

what if i down the bottle?

how long would it take for someone to come find me?

It doesn't take a genius to know that once you start asking yourself those type of questions, something's wrong. I called the counseling center here...ha what a fucking joke that is. All appointments are booked until after break and they don't take walk-ins unless you have a fucking knife to your veins. Is that what it's gonna take? Me crumbling to the point where I want to be no more? Perhaps. I'm reaching out for someone's hand to pull me out of this spiral but I keep slipping through their fingers. So now I'm here. My only friend. My computer. And the really funny and ironic thing is I'm still only talking to myself.

I survived today...but just barely. Let's see how I do tomorrow.

The Return of Nikki

Yes, I am back to blogger. I tried my own blog site for a while but I realized I got too wrapped up in the design aspect of the site that I forgot to actually blog. So I'm back.

This time I'm not gonna get stuck in gloomy holes, nor am I gonna write about rainbows and sunshine. I'm just gonna write about what is. Where I am in the present at this time.

Currently, I'm super stressed trying to figure out how to support myself once I graduate. I guess I'm trying to answer the question that "adults" have been asking me for years about my Acting degree. I'm writing down ideas but then again they're just ideas, nothing solid. I know that I will be moving back home to New Orleans before the final move to California...but once again I'm not in any rush considering I'm broke. So if any of you have any suggestions about what I should do, I'm all ears.

And if anyone wants to be my friend again, that would be great too.

D.

New Blog

So I've decided that it's time to leave blogspot. This blog kinda represents everything I'm trying to repell. Topics were too dark, blog was too dark, just a bad energy. I got my own site now that I will be blogging on so periodically you should check out my blog at http://nikkilegaux.tk -- Trying to focus on the positive things in life. Check it out if you're interested.

Searching for Rainbows...

Acrylics & Oils
-Nikki

Hand on the bottle...

I'm blaring Everyone's At It by Lily Allen remix by Doctor RosenRosen. You should DEFINITELY cop the free album off his site. He's remixed Lily Allen's entire album...It's called It's Not Me, It's DoctorRosenRosen.


Every once in awhile I go through these bouts of depression. I guess you could say it's hereditary. I'm sure of it, or else why is my mom popping antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills like they're candy?All my life I've been trying to please this woman, point out all her flaws, and tell her how I feel she's ruined my life and now I have become her: A single women waiting for prince charming to come and pick her from the wreckage that is her life. I digress.

Maybe this loneliness has been brought by the fact that I have no friends...not real ones. I mean, girls that I went to school with are starting to get married. And as I thought about it, I realized I would have no bridesmaids. Does family count? Even use my birthday for example. It was hard to come up with people to invite. I'm sorry if this is offending anyone. I mean it's not like any of you are reading this, but if one of you so happen to stumble across this and reads this, sorry. Fuck.

Lately I've felt some creepy spider woman with prey just accidentally stumbling into my web. Maybe a vampire analogy would be better. It's as if I'm glamouring people 24/7 unintentionally. Then I get "You're a pretty girl, you should have no problem finding a boyfriend." Yeah I have no problem unintentionally becoming a homewrecker (twice now) or leading guys on. I'm just naturally more of a fellas girl...maybe because I'm so brassy and blunt with what I say. It doesn't mean I have a secret agenda with my guys. I believe in chemistry first...without it, there's nothing. I'm rambling now...

Point is there is two very large bottles of Vodka in my freezer that I want to drink myself into a drunk stuppor or maybe I'll pop some of mommy's happy pills...I'm tired of fucking analyzing myself ...I don't want to be in my head anymore! I feel like I'm driving with no brakes, just avoiding crashes. Had an episode last night...I could just stared at the clock and hypervenalated til I passed out. Mom would have thought I was sleeping and went to work. Things would have carried on as usual. And I could have stopped the car...I failed and pulled the 300ml of insulin through the syringe, stuck the needle in my skin and sat there gasping air as I stare at the clock. Another failed attempt...You'd think after 7 years I would get it right. I keep a smile on my face as my eyes water at my secret I try to hide. I tured 21 last month...a year older, a year closer to death.

Ha, don't even have the energy to be creative or poetic with this one.

It is what it is. Take what you will

A little wiser...

Well I tried to post my video but blogger was taking too long so I got impatient and just decided to write this one.

I've realized that most distress in my life comes from the fact that I can't say no. Like as if I'm afraid of disappointing, I can't say no, which probably makes me so indecisive. In fact, I'm very opinionated and know exactly what I want, it's just that I have a problem saying it. That's why I get myself in situations I don't want to be in and relationships that I don't want to have. So in an attempt to change my life, I'm gonna start saying no more often to things that I don't want in life. Goodbye to friendships not worth salvaging, No to guys I don't wanna be involved with...and No to "things" I don't want to do lol

This change of heart could come from the fact that I'm turning 21 in a few days and just feel like I'm too old for some of the shit I put up with. I deserve to be happy, I deserve loyal friends, I deserve a break. I've gone through a lot in my life that fortunate people just won't understand. Maybe that makes me the cynical person I am. But if you know anything about me, then you should understand why I make some of the decisions I make.

Recently, Someone told me that she thought it it saddened her when she saw how much I depend on romance...I think it's time for me just to speak for the sake of clearing some things up. It's not that I depend on romance. It's that I long for unconditional love like everyone else. It's a longing for a companionship that I crave...the physical comes later. I grew up in a broken home with complications. I don't know what stability is...It's hard for someone who grew up with a model relationship played out in front of them with the marriage of their parents to understand this. Understand this about me: I have done everything right in my life through many hardships that most will not have to deal with. You may think whatever you want about me and the decisions I make, but I'm done with the regret. I do feel that I am a good person and no longer will I let the words or feelings of other people bring me down (Thanks Andy :)) I also refuse to settle with any old guy for a few kind words. I'm gonna require a little more than that because I'm worth more than just being nice to me (Thanks again Andy lol)

I guess what I'm saying is another year older, another year wiser. Still working on the autobiography lol

My First Video Blog

I've decided that I'm gonna take a different approach to my blogs so enjoy :)

The End

Ugh it's 6 am so if I'm writing a blog, clearly there's a point. Well let me start with saying R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

All this time that I've had my fingers crossed, I'm done wishing and hoping. "If it was supposed to happen, it would have happened already" and even if I don't agree with the reasoning, that's a situation that's not meant for me to tackle. I can only deal with what's right in front of me. And when your love is being described as "wrong," or somehow made to feel dirty and tarnished, it's time to leave. So regardless of the final resolution, I'm pulling myself out. If I have to be referred to in your mind as "the one that got away," I can live with that. But I will not be used as a cause for nightmares and "signs" from God and all that. I'm not religious but I know that I'm not wicked or "wrong." And if that's what I make you think of, well then I can't live with that.

I want a love that would put u in a car and drive to me. I want a love that will make you do crazy spontaneous things. That's what I WANT. That's what I GIVE. I want a love so deep that everytime we look at each other, we see fireworks in each other's eyes. I wanna cry and BATTLE for you. I want to fight for you and I would happily if I knew you would do the same. Love is Bravery. You can't be a coward, can't be worried about what friends you would lose, who would be upset. Cause you would know that none of that stuff would ever matter if you had the one you loved by your side to make up for the friends you would lose in battle, be there to take on the brunt of angry emotion from whoever felt wronged. It's like the Musiq Soulchild song, "It's just you and me against the world." But if someone isn't in it all the way, I guess these simple "lover's demands" could seem overwhelming.

And that's why I'm stepping down. Will there be sacrafices? You bet. Will there be some awkward moments? Guarenteed. If I have to tell little white lies to keep the peace, I will. Cause that's what you do when you don't get your happiness. You let it go for someone else to have it. And like a soldier, I will keep on. Diabetes, Katrina, Financial Matters...we can just tag Love onto the end of the list. The boulder gets bigger, but I'll keep pushing it up that damn hill until one day another set of hands will come and either push with me or be so strong it just throws that fucking boulder off the hill (wouldnt that be nice? :) especially if he was a prince) But until then, love its knocks you down....you get back up and it knocks you down again. So this was round 12. I put up a good fight but I've been knocked out. Time to train my heart to go through it again with a new opponent. I might be training for a while though.

And here's another ending to another raw entry.Take what you will.

Numb

Smoking a cig...I have no words to express myself properly so I'll let the words of Diana Krall express it for me...

Was there something more I could have done?
Or was I not meant to be the one?
Where's the life I thought we would share?
And should I care?

And will someone else get more of you?
Will she go to sleep more sure of you?
Will she wake up knowing youre still there?
Why should I care?

Theres always one to turn and walk away
And one who just wants to stay
But who said love is always fair
And why should I care?

Should I leave you alone here in the dark
Holding my broken heart
While the promise still hangs in the air
And why should I care?

pretty down on myself right now...like i said, there are just no words i can say. living up to my blog title. im just defeated. its outta my hands now...

Country livin...

Wow so this "vacation" is harder than i thought. Its been one week and I'm literally about to pull my hair out. My neighbors are cows and chickens (i can feed them from the fence) and the house is the last one on a dirt road...dead end. Theres no internet so this post is gonna cause an arm and a leg from at&t but im willing to pay it cause im THAT bored.

I started the twilight series..OMG im in love with the books...I want a vampire boyfriend! lol Ive been reading alot over here which is a rareity within itself cause i hate to read lol

Im really lonely out here caue theres no one here my age. Plus no one calls or txts me except for ashton (thanks) so its like ive fallen off the face of the earth. i wanted to get away to have peace but i feel like i got more than i bargained for. So if anyone is reading this and wants to put me out of my misery, please call or txt..it'd be greatly appreciated!

dont know when the next time ill be able to update...bloggin on a cell is hard lol supposed to be swimming tomorrow and ridin the AVs on friday (hell yeah!) ill take pictures haha... Missin my "Edward" *sighs* oh well, back to reading ECLIPSE.

Departure

So this is it..My last blog before I go to country land. Tomorrow I will be on the road for 20 HOURS! I don't know if I plan on sleeping tonight cause if I just stay awake I can sleep for a long time in the car. Plus I'm traveling with a 5 year old next to me so that's gonna be an issue within itself.

This weekend was quite a weekend. Earl came into town with the fam for the weekend. I dyed my hair pretty dark but I like it. Candice's Wedding was yesterday and it was pretty fun. No drama with the family and everyone got along...(I think the liquor had something to do with that lol) And after the wedding I tried to race home to change to get to Ashton's bday party until my car started smoking cause my moms brake pads were completely deteriorated. Anyways, I made it to the party and it was really fun. And then we ended up at IHOP in which I was engaged in a 2 hour conversation about men and women and relationships...pretty insightful stuff was said given certain situations.

So I've also decided to document my month in New Mexico since I'll probably have nothing else to do. I'm not even sure if they have internet where I'm going...the nearest store is 2 miles from their house. I'm also trying to lose a significant amount of weight so I'm gonna document that as well (those blogs will probably be very angry seein how I'll probably be cranky with no food lol). I will however have my phone so txt messages will have to be my saving grace. Well here goes nothing. See all you NOLA peeps in July!

The dredded L word...

So my cousin is getting married this weekend so naturally I've been thinking about relationships and love and all that good stuff...Ha ha my friend's boyfriend tried to hook me up with one of his friends recently. Not only is he a frat boy, (and a Q at that!) which I just hate, but he's like close to 30 and looks like he's 35. *sighs* What can you do? All my friends have boyfriends so in turn when we hang out, I become third wheel. What I really want more than anything is to have someone who is my friend first and my lover second. The physical should just be a bonus.

And another thing I just need to vent about...why are some people off limits?! I don't mean ppl who are in relationships, but single ppl that you're not supposed to talk to you cause your boy/girl talked to them years ago. Like why do you need to ask my ex of 3 years ago if you can take me out...ask if you have permission. Excuse me!? Am I a piece of property? Hello! He is my ex...he has no claim over me and it was 3 years ago! It's like if you are someone's ex, (esp if the ex has a new boo!) why are we still attached to that person forever? That sends a message that once we date someone, we're never allowed to move on with our lives. It makes me so angry that people get so offended if you end up liking someone they talked to. We can't switch on and off our feelings...it happens. And no I don't feel like explaining what this blog stems from so don't ask. Period. Ok I' m done venting lol

Anyways I'm bout to bonce out of New Orleans soon so who knows how many times I'll be able to blog cause I'm pretty sure they have limited technology where I'm going...My brother's lifestyle is country living so we'll see.

Supposed to be going out for drinks with my brother, his wife, and my no good sister tonight...Wedding on sat day and night...Goin to a bday party sat that I'm a lil nervous for...eventful weekend.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh...why me?

*Sighs* Why can't I be the girlfriend? I feel like my life's motto is "Always the mistress, never the wife." Not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm fairly attracted, with a good personality. I'm loyal and faithful....I can be one of the guys, drink a beer and watch some football...or be the girly girl, dress and heels with me all dolled up. You can take me home to moms and the family, or let "Darling Nikki" run wild behind closed doors lol. I do acknowledge that past mistakes have led me to the predicament I'm in. I got my heart broken REALLY badly years ago and for a while, "Darling Nikki" went on a rampage devouring any guy that would give me the time of day. Now that I've grown up, old flings still expect the mistress when I'm ready to settle down. Shit, half my friends have babies and/or married. While I'm not looking for the wedding or kids right now, I am looking for something steady. I just makes me angry to still be getting messages from guys who want nothing more from me then to get into my pants. I'm about to graduate from college. Enough is enough. I don't want to play games anymore. Like India Arie said, "I am ready for love."

I'd love to start going on dates. I mean real dates. The kind where I get dressed up, and the guy comes to pick me up and we go to dinner somewhere and have casual conversation, I get dropped off, maybe there's a kiss at the end (lol) and then if all goes well, there's date number two. I mean doesn't that still happen or am I still living in a movie?

It's been 3 years, but I still miss Delvin. Am I doing something wrong here?

Here we go again...Boys.

Well all of the friends are gone now so my days now consist of sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing because a. no one to hang out with and b. I'm broke as the fuck. That's what I get for not having a job...

On another note, something else has provoked me to write this blog. I got the first txt last night...the txts that seem to come every summer when I get home...asking for...*sighs* sex. That is what my love life has resulted too. Old flings using me as their personal booty calls. I find myself checking up on old loves and seeing whats going on with them. Most of them have new gfs that theyre happy with or others are just content being single doin their thang. Lately I've been frequenting this one guy in particular. Pride won't let me say anything to him because I was made a fool, and I can honestly say it's still a bit hard to swallow. Not because this is the first time this has happened to me, but this is the first time that I had no idea it was coming. Usually I have the upper hand and in that situation I did not. Perhaps thats why all that mess followed. Well anyways I don't know what it is but I find myself secretly interested still in what hes doing, which is strange cause at the time, I basically convinced myself that he was something easily dropped. Well for some reason unknown to me, he decided to apologize publicly. I'm not the type to hold grudges so he was forgiven a long time ago. But what I can't seem to stop thinking about, and perhaps this is why i still feel the urge to see what he's up to, is how unfortunate the whole thing was because we actually did have a lot in common and there actually was potential for something real and long term. But God has a funny way of playing games with me and I guess this was one of them, so I guess I'll never know what was to become of us. Tragic.

Well, back to being a couch potato. 2 week countdown until I'm in New Mexico til July. Maybe the change of scenery will do me some good. HA, The bride just called and asked me if I was bringing a date to the wedding...God, youre a comedian.

Home Sweet Home...

So I'm finally back at home, thank god! Just chillin now not doing much. Had a great week with my friend which included hopping over a fence to go illegal swimming, Phase 10 games til 5 am, not-so-scary movie nights, and of course ending with visits to IHOP and Waffle House. I'm so glad that things bounced back to the way they were. As much as I want love, boys cause way too much trouble.

My brother's coming in a week and I'm sooo excited! I love him to death and can't wait to leave to spend time with him in NM. My mood is much happier than it was a couple weeks ago, lost 10 pounds, and starting to have fun again :)

The Finish Line...

So I'm sitting at the computer lab about to fall my ass asleep. I should be takin a nap in my own bed right now but I'm so fucking lazy and do not feel like all the way up the hill to my apartment 15 min away. So I guess a part of me is sticking around hoping to find a ride somehow or waiting till I absolutely have to walk home.

5 more essays and I am absolutely finished! I got all night and all day tomorrow to write them. If I just stay focused, I think I can get it all done. Then I'm outta here on Sat back to the dirty south where I belong! Oh, how I've missed it so.

They have a DRAKE concert on Sat when I get home that I'm trying to go to! I been on his shit hard for 2 weeks now...I basically got his mixtape memorized. So we'll see if I can make it. Well I can't stand it anymore...I'm fallin asleep so I guess I better start walking... ugh.

Why do I do this to myself?

Sherry Party is in 2 days so I finally get to wear the dress that I bought during Spring Break. I really wanted just to go stag and then I opened my mouth to my ex, for lack of a better term. He came with me last year when I thought we were an "us." Well I mentioned the dance to him during lunch and he asked me who I was going with and I told him stag, and then he said that he would go. Essentially he invited himself. I said ok because a. I have a problem with saying the word no and b. I must secretly be a glutton for punishment. I know that he's got a girlfriend, a 30 YEAR OLD gf might I add, and that he has no sexual interest in me so why do I find myself subconciously longing for it? *sighs* DAMN I HATE BEING SINGLE!

Moving on... I think I've decided that this will be the way I will stay connected to ppl this summer since I moving out to the desert with no technology for a couple months. I don't wanna do facebook anymore. Causes wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to much drama. I will have my cell phone so don't worry you can still contact me but I just wont be online as much. A blog here and there but I think that's going to be it. Soon enough I'll start telling ppl I have a blog. For now, it's still just for me to express myself...not really expecting anyone to read this, or care what's happening in my crazy ass life.

Now time for grub and procrastination.

Can't Sleep...Again...

So I'm still awake...

Still dealing with same old diabetic bullshit, swollen ankles...puffy fingers...general discomfort.
Plus the lovely addition of a new injury to my hip which makes it hard to walk and may need surgery (I'm PRAYING it doesn't come to that)...and of course finals.

I'm procrastinating...so many fucking papers that were due that I didn't do and so many papers that are coming up...

The shows over so I have my nights again. Overall, people gave me great feedback as far as my performance in the show...I wish I could say that for the show as a whole but hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion and their direction. As long as I brought some joy to people's lives, then I'm happy.

I miss having friends. Ha ha I know that sounds weird but as well known as I am around campus, I have few "friends." My loneliness could also be attributed to the fact that I'm alienated in my own house (I hate my living situation), the fact that I have no male companion anymore, romantic or platonic, and I'm not 21 so I can't go out to the bars with everyone else. It's been a really miserable semester actually. But I'm out on MAY 9TH! I'm getting the fuck out as fast as I can. I just can't stay here any longer if I'm to stay here longer...sorry spittin poetry here and there.

Sade's playing... Somebody already broke my heart...zzZZZZZZZZZZ

The End of Another College Year...

When I think back to when I was a freshman, I feel as though I have grown so much since I was that naive 18 year old far away from home. Now that I'm going to be a senior, I can't really say that the college years were the best years of my life, but definitely the most eye opening. If I could express what I've learned in those years in bullet form, it might look something like this:

• I am far more sensitive than I ever thought. For the longest, I had convinced myself and tried to convince others that I was a rock. It was my defense mechanism to try to save myself from hurt. Well after 3 years, I couldn't carry my shield anymore; it became too heavy. Now, I cry more than ever and carry my heart on my sleeve.
• Heartache doesn't get any easier, it just becomes more frustrating. I tried to pin it on the fact that perhaps I was young and stupid and too easy to fall in and out of lust/love. But no matter my age, I am too easy to open my heart. Unfortunately, I can't change that. And as long as boys suck and my taste in guys changes little, I'll probably continue to be hurt.
• I can't be alone. I am a person who cherishes my privacy and my alone time. But 24/7 alone time is just lonely. And I just can't survive without at least ONE person to depend on. I've had to depend on myself far too long that my burden is just a little too heavy for me to carry without a push now and then from a friend. I'm not asking for thousands, but just one trustworthy friend who I know will never put me in a position to be hurt.
• Maybe I should restore some faith in a higher power. I will never be the church going type but occasionally maybe I should have a conversation with the sky, the stars, the moon, with someone up way up there. If there are such things as miracles, maybe the powers that be might be incline to grant a couple to me to help ease some things for me. No harm in trying.

I guess I should finally address what my blog title means. For all of you who don't know what an Anuptaphobe is, it's someone who fears being single or marrying the wrong person. I know I know, you didnt know there was a phobia for that right? Let's just say that I have a fragile heart and very nervous to give it away again...