If I die before I wake...

I thought last night I was going to die. Seriously. I had lost all feeling in my extremities and my heart beat had slowed to like a light thump last night. I couldn't think straight and everything started to go to a fuzzy grey. I was in bed of course trying to sleep but I thought it might be my last slumber. I didn't die obviously but the thing that is most eerie to me is last night I managed to jot something down on paper...a farewell if you will. 

This morning I barely remember doing it and it reads like chicken scratch. Not to mention the contents of the note aren't very deep. I have to wonder, did I care that it might be my last night? From the note, it doesn't seem like it. But to die in your sleep is a luxury most are not able to receive. Most people die horrific deaths or are in agony in their final moments. I think last night I had a sense of...dare I say, peace. Finally, no more pain. No more thirst or shots or stress, worrying about money, being fucked over by men, having my heart broken over and over again. No more doctors, no more edema, no more diabetes, no more physical pain. It was almost like all the weight of the world had been lifted for those 15 minutes of sheer cold. The boulder had been removed and my body was shutting down saying, "Thanks, but I've had enough." And I can't even be mad at it. It's gone through so much. How many shocks can a body take to the system and still be ok? This is truly a test of mans resiliency. I think I'm really starting to believe in the power of the body to heal and repair itself. I was sure that I would be dead by 20. I kept telling myself I'm going to keel over at the age of 30, or have some horrific complication that''s gonna make me want to end it. I guess I'm slowly losing track of goals to reach, things to strive for. And am just kind of floating along now...not really caring where I float to.

Stifled

Have you ever gotten to the point where you just feel stifled? I feel as though someone just turned the faucet off on my creativity. I can't write. I can't paint. Everything just seems pointless...It's like a thirst that can't be quenched. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's a funk that I've never experienced before and I've been in some serious funks before. I just feel like BLAH. There's just no motivation to do anything. I feel like the days just melt into one another. I don't even know what fucking time or day it is right now. And when you're by yourself all the time, it starts to take a toll on you. I feel like I'm a prisoner to myself...trapped in a cell made of nothing. I need a fuckin change. Something's gotta change. New glasses given me a little bit of a constant headache while my eyes get used to looking through something foreign.

I wondering if I'm harboring some unaddressed issues or something. I feel an inkling of anger or some sort of inclination to want to yell right now. Or maybe it's my effort to try to fight this comatose state I'm in where I literally don't utter a sound all day. There's no reason to say anything when there's no one here and fuck if I start talking to myself...that's not cool. I'm just tired of everyone telling me to get out the house and go somewhere by myself and enjoy the day. Enjoy the day doing fucking what? Either way I'm still alone only now I've wasted gas and I'm lonely in a new location. What people don't understand about me is that I'm not a hermit. I don't revel in deep thinking alone. I'm a social private person meaning that I like to be social but I like my privacy. But privacy and solitude are two different things. I can't do the latter.

I'm rambling now but I mean what other option do I have. This is the most communication I've had all day and A. it's with a computer and B. I still have yet to utter a word.

-D

Glasses!

Ups and downs

So I was supposed to write this blog two days ago but yesterday my father made me so miserable that I didn't feel like writing. It's been a rough couple of months post grad. Things just haven't been moving as smoothly as I would have liked. Now that I'm jobless, time has just been moving so slowly. It wasn't so bad cause Ashton used to rescue me from my boredom but since he moved back to Georgia, I literally have no friends. Thought maybe I would get my best friend back but after being blown off for like 6 times in two weeks, I want nothing to do with her right now. And shit just keeps getting worse as far as living with my dad. And lastly, I'm losing my vision...can't see far anymore and now i have to wear glasses. For all u glasses-wearing folk, you're probably just thinking, "oh boo hoo, join the club" Well I wish that was the case but from someone who's had 20/20 vision all her life and now has diabetes, this is not good. Most diabetics go blind due to diabetes complications so I have to go back to my doctors to see if blood vessels aren't leaking. Now by now I know this blog is sounding more and more like a "woe is me" blog but there is little rays of sunshine.

This past week I just signed with an agent! Yay! And within the week I already got an audition. It was a fun one... For Louisiana lottery. I had to dance to a hip hop jingle haha. It was a fun audition to get my feet wet again. Then the day just got weirder. I went to visit my cousin Dana who was in town randomly with her boyfriend and brother and who walks in the door behind her? Delvin. I swear I almost had a heart attack in the bathroom. It was the first time I had seen him in about 5 years. It was awkward. He only looked up at me when I said hello and 30 minutes later when I said goodbye. I tried to play it cool, engaging in conversation with Dana and her new bf and her brother Kevin but in my head I was thinking all sorts of things...does he feel awkward too? Does he think I look good? Is he purposely ignoring me? Or does he feel fine? And all the vain questions us girls ask ourselves everyday about our appearance. It was hard for me when I left. I'm not gonna lie and say part of me doesn't want to see if there's something worth rekindling now that we're both adults. Nostalgia gets the best of me everytime I hear his name but actually SEEING him was almost too much. He looks exactly the same ha. And the fact that he JUST accepted me as a facebook friend this past month after months and years of denying or ignoring requests just makes the whole situation even more awkward and hilarious. Oh life is funny. These days it would be nice to have a companion or something because I swear my family is trying to break me.