Recovery

Well I'm finally out of the hospital. I guess

I mean, I don't really know what to say actually. Funny that I'm writing a blog and can't find the right words to explain myself. So I'm not going to explain myself and just leave it as what it is.


I'm hoping that the pills will help my anxiety. And as for the other stuff, I hope talking will help.

I'm constantly climbing uphill but I got to drop off a little baggage...I finally had the courage to be honest with my parents about what was going on, but most importantly, I was finally honest with myself. I wanna be optimistic but I've let myself down so many times before. It scares me but I'm gonna try my hardest this time, because I don't want any more "next times" because who knows how much time I'll actually have if I continue on the path I'm on.

I guess all I can ask is of myself is to not give up. But like I've said before, it's hard to motivate yourself when you're by yourself.

I guess today was better?

Last night I didn't get much sleep. For some reason I didn't want to sleep. Usually I don't have this problem because I'm an insomniac and don't have a decision in the matter of not sleeping. But last night was different. I was tired but I made the decision to stay up. After reaching 7 am however, I was defeated and crawled in bed. I wish I hadn't. I dreamt that I was trying to off myself. It was only a two hour sleep before my alarm went off to start on yet another day in life.

Still had a lack of energy. Still was a walking zombie. However there was short sparks of light today. I learned that I was missed. This semester I hadn't be doing any other than taking class. No Rock Hard, no ALS, no Spit That...I guess you can say I've been ghost on campus. Well I went to the pub today to eat lunch and was surprised to find that people had actually noticed that I haven't been around. And just now right before I wrote this blog, my roommate just informed me that people were asking for me yet again. This brings a quiet smile to my face. It's the little things like that that make you feel like you have a purpose. Maybe if I left this world tomorrow, some people would notice.

They don't know it, but those people who asked for me today might have made the difference between me downing a bottle and waking up tomorrow. Which further makes me wonder:

Is someone up there trying to tell me something?

Just 4 pills before bed tonight.

It's all downhill...again.

Today I had an anxiety attack. A bad directing class triggered it and when thinking about the actual event that took place, it's not that monumental of an event. But because of the week I've been having...the year i've been havingthe LIFE I'VE BEEN HAVING, I guess it all just came to the surface today. Now I'm being sucked down this horrible dark spiral that I can't get out off. I stared at a bottle of pills for quite a while tonight. That's when the what ifs started playing in my head, which is never a good sign..

what if i take 10 pills?

what if i down the bottle?

how long would it take for someone to come find me?

It doesn't take a genius to know that once you start asking yourself those type of questions, something's wrong. I called the counseling center here...ha what a fucking joke that is. All appointments are booked until after break and they don't take walk-ins unless you have a fucking knife to your veins. Is that what it's gonna take? Me crumbling to the point where I want to be no more? Perhaps. I'm reaching out for someone's hand to pull me out of this spiral but I keep slipping through their fingers. So now I'm here. My only friend. My computer. And the really funny and ironic thing is I'm still only talking to myself.

I survived today...but just barely. Let's see how I do tomorrow.

The Return of Nikki

Yes, I am back to blogger. I tried my own blog site for a while but I realized I got too wrapped up in the design aspect of the site that I forgot to actually blog. So I'm back.

This time I'm not gonna get stuck in gloomy holes, nor am I gonna write about rainbows and sunshine. I'm just gonna write about what is. Where I am in the present at this time.

Currently, I'm super stressed trying to figure out how to support myself once I graduate. I guess I'm trying to answer the question that "adults" have been asking me for years about my Acting degree. I'm writing down ideas but then again they're just ideas, nothing solid. I know that I will be moving back home to New Orleans before the final move to California...but once again I'm not in any rush considering I'm broke. So if any of you have any suggestions about what I should do, I'm all ears.

And if anyone wants to be my friend again, that would be great too.

D.