Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder
I'm not going to write about metaphors or anything clever. I just want to speak very candidly. All my life I've been told that I was pretty. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn, it's just the truth. Mostly I've been told that I have a very pretty face. There was one point in my life that I had that typically "hot body" but that was way back then. Then I got diabetes. I never knew what it would do to me mentally when I was first diagnosed. I've never talked about this before but I can't stop crying and I feel like I need to or I'm not gonna make it...literally. Diabetes did all kinda funky things to my body including slowing down my metabolism. I began to develop a pudge in my stomach. I was a musical theatre major and required to wear leotards everyday for class. The kids at school scrutinize your body. I had a nervous breakdown in highschool. I had to leave for two weeks and be in hardcore therapy with my parents. I wasn't suicidal then....yet. Then Katrina happened and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years at the time called it quits with me. This DESTROYED ME. I really thought that we were gonna be together forever. He still doesn't talk to me. I think about him ALL the time even though I pretend I don't. I lie to myself. I was so happy when I was with him. He showed me the definition of unconditional love and I haven't found that since he left. By then I had already developed my eating disorder...which I still have. I went into depression and denial and told myself fuck life...The same motto I have now. I stopped taking my medicine..on purpose. Less insulin I took, the skinner I got because I'd lose all the water weight by dehydrating myself to death literally. Something that I still do now. Most of the time I feel like I have a death wish. In my hearts of hearts I know I won't make it to 30. Most of the time I don't want to.
My freshman year and sophomore year is when I lost my mind. I became an alcoholic and slept with any guy willing to stay with me for the night out of sheer loneliness. I tried to jump out my window after a party. I lived on the 13th floor of a tower. Wouldn't that have been perfect? Suicide on the 13th floor. If anyone would get to live on a floor for bad luck, it would be me right? I remember all my friends restraining me to the bed for hours. I remember them finding the will I wrote and signed in my drawer. I was ready then. Sophomore year is when my body started deteriorating. I keep getting infections everyday that I have to tend to. No STDs, just my own body being attacked by bacteria. These are the gross details I leave out for people. Every night I deal with these infections. Have to check for new sores. It's painful. It's annoying. It's time consuming, and it was my own little secret. Its hard to be intimate with someone when you have to do a body check everyday. And if you do have something unpleasant, you make up excuses. Always considerate of the other person. I'm not a healthy person so things are sacraficed...my visions hazy because I don't take enough insulin. My hair falls out in chunks and I'm thinning partly to do with heredity and partly to do with not being healthy. I eat alot! I drink lots of water! People think I have a healthy appetite and that I'm being healthy by drinking water. I like to let them believe what they want. I eat alot because it's an compulsion. I'm so sick and my blood sugar is so high that my body is literally addicted to food. I drink over 4-5 gallons a day because otherwise I'd die literally. I live in a state of dehydration. It's why I have a hard time doing any physical activity anymore because my muscles are starving for water.
I'm in a business where looks are everything. Fuck your talent if you're not good looking. It's hard to say, I'm gonna lose weight the healthy way. God knows I want to. They problem is, that would require me to take the right amount of insulin. Once I start eating right, the urinating stops, the water weight stays on, and all the pounds that I've accumulated from eating so much that you don't see due to the lack of water weight, becomes apparent and now I'm 25 pounds heavier. Not good when your supposed to be a twig.
These are just part of the daily routine that is my life. Not to mention all the other stresses that just comes with college life and being in your twenties in general that everyone else has to face. So when someone tells me I'm a "beautiful creature," I want to laugh in their face because they don't know the pain I deal with every day to be "pretty."
I consider myself to be a really down to earth person. To go through the shit I've gone through on a daily basis, you have to be. This is why I don't believe in the power of prayer...sometimes I think people are just lazy and wish something will take care of their troubles for them instead of just dealing with them. I'm a very intelligent talented person who has to deal with a lot of stupid immature people everyday. I mean everyday. But the funny thing is, I'll cater to the stupid and immature and the delusionals and the crazies all to find my happiness and find some enjoyment here while I'm still here, which is, phew, god knows how long. Ha, here I was actually planning a wedding when planning a funeral, your own funeral, is so much better. Even if it is to give the finger and a big "FUCK YOU" to everyone who's ever hurt me....My parents, my family, my friends, all the guys who'd use me a leave me (physically, emotionally, and mentally), and the almighty GOD of course. Yea, all the Christians gasp in unison now and pray for me, cause I know you will...
It's sad because honestly, all I ever wanted to do was share my talents and love with the world and be loved unconditionally.
Instead I will continue the countdown of being "beautiful" while slowly killing myself all so someone else can make you all happy.
My freshman year and sophomore year is when I lost my mind. I became an alcoholic and slept with any guy willing to stay with me for the night out of sheer loneliness. I tried to jump out my window after a party. I lived on the 13th floor of a tower. Wouldn't that have been perfect? Suicide on the 13th floor. If anyone would get to live on a floor for bad luck, it would be me right? I remember all my friends restraining me to the bed for hours. I remember them finding the will I wrote and signed in my drawer. I was ready then. Sophomore year is when my body started deteriorating. I keep getting infections everyday that I have to tend to. No STDs, just my own body being attacked by bacteria. These are the gross details I leave out for people. Every night I deal with these infections. Have to check for new sores. It's painful. It's annoying. It's time consuming, and it was my own little secret. Its hard to be intimate with someone when you have to do a body check everyday. And if you do have something unpleasant, you make up excuses. Always considerate of the other person. I'm not a healthy person so things are sacraficed...my visions hazy because I don't take enough insulin. My hair falls out in chunks and I'm thinning partly to do with heredity and partly to do with not being healthy. I eat alot! I drink lots of water! People think I have a healthy appetite and that I'm being healthy by drinking water. I like to let them believe what they want. I eat alot because it's an compulsion. I'm so sick and my blood sugar is so high that my body is literally addicted to food. I drink over 4-5 gallons a day because otherwise I'd die literally. I live in a state of dehydration. It's why I have a hard time doing any physical activity anymore because my muscles are starving for water.
I'm in a business where looks are everything. Fuck your talent if you're not good looking. It's hard to say, I'm gonna lose weight the healthy way. God knows I want to. They problem is, that would require me to take the right amount of insulin. Once I start eating right, the urinating stops, the water weight stays on, and all the pounds that I've accumulated from eating so much that you don't see due to the lack of water weight, becomes apparent and now I'm 25 pounds heavier. Not good when your supposed to be a twig.
These are just part of the daily routine that is my life. Not to mention all the other stresses that just comes with college life and being in your twenties in general that everyone else has to face. So when someone tells me I'm a "beautiful creature," I want to laugh in their face because they don't know the pain I deal with every day to be "pretty."
I consider myself to be a really down to earth person. To go through the shit I've gone through on a daily basis, you have to be. This is why I don't believe in the power of prayer...sometimes I think people are just lazy and wish something will take care of their troubles for them instead of just dealing with them. I'm a very intelligent talented person who has to deal with a lot of stupid immature people everyday. I mean everyday. But the funny thing is, I'll cater to the stupid and immature and the delusionals and the crazies all to find my happiness and find some enjoyment here while I'm still here, which is, phew, god knows how long. Ha, here I was actually planning a wedding when planning a funeral, your own funeral, is so much better. Even if it is to give the finger and a big "FUCK YOU" to everyone who's ever hurt me....My parents, my family, my friends, all the guys who'd use me a leave me (physically, emotionally, and mentally), and the almighty GOD of course. Yea, all the Christians gasp in unison now and pray for me, cause I know you will...
It's sad because honestly, all I ever wanted to do was share my talents and love with the world and be loved unconditionally.
Instead I will continue the countdown of being "beautiful" while slowly killing myself all so someone else can make you all happy.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Be Complaisant not Complacent.
I'm convinced that complacency is the killer of all relationships. If you look at the divorce rate in America, you gotta wonder why it all went downhill. In the beginnings of relationships/marriages, there's always that infatuation stage or the "newlywed" stage where each partner is complaisant (willing to please) and everything is mushy gushy and that's where the pet names come in and the non stop cooing in each other's faces. Slowly over time each partner becomes somewhat complacent, thinking that they've done enough to secure their partner in the relationship. The cooing stops, the pet names drop, and "i love you" because less meaningful and more like a salutation. Next thing you know bickering starts happening because you each try to tell the other that they've become complacent, which is just a fight pleading for the other to show more affection. But in an effort not to fight, you learn to settle. This is where the death of the relationship starts to happenBecause now you just learn to tolerate each other for the sake of the marriage/dog/children, whatever. And once you've hit that point, you might as well pull out the divorce papers because it's not gonna get any better. Resentments have already start to build at this point and there's pretty much nothing you can do (though there are always exceptions to the rules like couples who go through intense therapy).
I'm trying really hard not to become complacent, and stay complaisant. It's so hard to do this long distance. There's only 34 more days left until I'm home but things have gotten so rocky lately, I feel like I'm losing my grip on things. Things have been geared towards the future for so long that I feel like we're not focusing on the present. And if we lose the present, there will be no future. I feel lost and helpless at this point. I want my love back. We've been through so much to become complacent. He needs to know that everyday he brings sunshine to my life. He needs to know that he's the best part of my day. He needs to know that I love him with every fiber of my being. He needs to hear these things from me everyday. I know I'm not one for expressing my emotions very well, but I will do whatever it takes to keep him around. I encourage every one that has a significant other, to embrace the small things in life that makes your partner happy, whether that be flowers, a note left on the dresser before work, a txt message, a kiss on the forehead, etc. Be complaisant not Complacent.
-D.
I'm trying really hard not to become complacent, and stay complaisant. It's so hard to do this long distance. There's only 34 more days left until I'm home but things have gotten so rocky lately, I feel like I'm losing my grip on things. Things have been geared towards the future for so long that I feel like we're not focusing on the present. And if we lose the present, there will be no future. I feel lost and helpless at this point. I want my love back. We've been through so much to become complacent. He needs to know that everyday he brings sunshine to my life. He needs to know that he's the best part of my day. He needs to know that I love him with every fiber of my being. He needs to hear these things from me everyday. I know I'm not one for expressing my emotions very well, but I will do whatever it takes to keep him around. I encourage every one that has a significant other, to embrace the small things in life that makes your partner happy, whether that be flowers, a note left on the dresser before work, a txt message, a kiss on the forehead, etc. Be complaisant not Complacent.
-D.
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