Twilight-Breaking Dawn and Breaking Through

It's Twilight premiere time again and I'm in a totally different place in my life now. I had really enjoyed reading the books but I had somehow found this eerie parallel to the character of Bella. I had attached certain people in my life to the fictitious characters in the book, making it seem that my life was strangely identical the books. I was way too wrapped up in it all. Both the real life situation of my life and this fantasy quasi reality I had created for myself. You know hindsight is 20/20 and maybe that was my coping mechanism for the turmoil that was happening at the time.

It's just so strange to be at the point where I look at Twilight and it seems that some of it's magic has dimmed and I look at it for what it is now: just a movie. Something that I treasured and identified with so much, seems a little foreign. It's like seeing an old friend you haven't seen in years. You catch up, hear each other's stories...try to recreate that friendship you once had but you realize too much time has passed and both of you have changed. Yet you continue to small talk because at one point, you were close. So out of of respect and familiarity you keep talking. That's where I am.

I guess you can say it's because I finally got a good guy that I don't need to create a fantasy life for because he treats me well in my reality. In our reality. I'm still working on myself but that's a never ending project. The difference is my guy lifts me, doesn't tear me down, and calls me "his queen." Never new what it was like to be royalty...was always the hired help. Got to get accustomed to having help. What a wonderful problem to have :)

Anyways..going to see the movie at midnight with the cousin...and for once, instead of fantasizing, I can actually just enjoy the movie for enjoyment's sake. :)

-OUT

ART THANG!

So I got a new job...it's AMAZING. I am training to be an art instructor at Corks N Canvas-Painting with a Twist where you come to paint and drink wine and party! Easy money and it's so much fun! So in honor of being inspired, I've launched my own art website to showcase my own artwork at:  www.wix.com/dlegaux/art 

And if you're interested in booking a party or coming to a session: www.corksncanvas.com (I work at both the Metairie and New Orleans location).

Well,

That is all. Just thought I'd share.

Ciao

T-minus 14 days til my love is here!! Yay!

Ah, so this is what LOVE is...

I think it's kind of funny how whenever you actually get a significant other, you preach about how much you love them with all your heart and soul and how your life has changed and blah blah blah blah. I am guilty of doing this. A lot.

HOWEVER.

THIS time, I actually mean it. And the reason why I know it's real this time is because I have found an unconditional love for him. It's on a level I have never experienced before. The kind of love where you have no doubts in your mind about this person whatsoever. That you would put all your trust in this one person. Trust them with your feelings. Trust them with your heart. Hell, I trust him with my life. This have NEVER happened to before.

I guess it is true when they say love finds you when you least expect it. I never in my wildest dreams expected this to happened. I think it's safe to say that he feels the same way. We both had so much baggage. Both doing completely different things with our lives. Then one phone call. A "Happy Birthday" call and then BAM. It just happened. Just like that. Out of NOWHERE.

The biggest part of finding this type of love is taking that leap of faith. It's so powerful that it scares you and reason tells you don't do it because A. B. and C. But to deprive yourself of this gift (because true love is a gift to be treasured) would be absolutely ridiculous.  So after getting over our fears and putting logistics to the side, we took the leap of faith. AND BOY IS IT GREAT!

Bliss. That's the only way I can describe this feeling. Utter Bliss. And it's so much more than just being in love. It's downright motivational. Makes you want to think greater. Be better. Actually do something with your life. It's an amazing energy for forward progress. It's just so effing amazing. And it's because he is amazing and is my ying to my yang. Two puzzle pieces that just fit. I can't wait to continue on this great adventure with him.

What can I say. Things in my life have just FINALLY after 8 years, fallen into places. Health is better. Figure is down to the smallest it has been in 8 YEARS. Have a clutch job actually in my field and still making money. And now I have my partner in crime to give all my love to.
*Sighs* Life is fucking great.

Must be fate...

It's funny how fate works...you never know why things happen to you or why certain people come in and out your life. You develop certain relationships with people and you move on with your life and you think those relationships becomes a figment of your past. And then bam, there goes fate again and it pulls you back together somehow and in ways you might not have ever thought. Who knew that a birthday call would transpire into what seems to be blossoming now.  Fate. I thought this was just one of those things of the past. Little did I know that we had unfinished business. Little did I know I would still feel this way. It's funny how we could just pick up where we left off after not speaking to one another for so long. It's funny how it always seemed to be wrong timing with us. 4 years of this back and forth, this wrong timing. It's funny how I thought you were taken for good. It's funny how now that we're both in a new place in our lives, you're not with her anymore. At this time last year, you were talking of marriage and now you're just somehow conveniently unattached.  Ha fate, you're funny. Is it finally truly our time to let this thing run it's course? With no more distractions...no other people...just...us?

A smile to myself because I know you'll never read this. But as long as I have known you, I feel more for you than I ever had before. And I honestly can't tell you a reason why since we just started again this week (lol). I feel a type of feeling for you that I think I've only experienced one other time in my life with another and it was so long ago, I'm having trouble recognizing it. But from what I can articulate, it must be the closest thing to what unconditional love is. Which is very funny to feel this way after only talking for a week, but hey, crazier things have happened right? You might think I'm falling hard...fast. But I think I took the jump a long time ago and have been falling ever since.  Falling at a constant speed all these years that sometimes I forgot I was even moving. But as fate would have it, here we are again and I've finally touched the ground from my arduous decent made what seems like a lifetime ago. I think this is the first time that I'm scared of the feeling.  Genuinely scared because it feels so foreign to me to feel so safe with another. You know every darkest secret that I've hidden away. You know about every nuance that makes me me. And only you could peel back the layers ever so delicately and carefully to reveal the real me.

I know we joke with each other all the time and throw the l word around as if it were just a greeting we say to everyone, but I can honestly say that you were the one that always had my love. you've always had my heart, whether i realized it or you realized it. It's funny how fate can illuminate your deepest feelings by throwing someone back into your life unexpectedly. It's also funny how I feel afraid to even type that little 4 letter word on here for fear of jinxing it.  It's laughable because I know you will never read this. And what's even more alarming is that no matter how hard I'm trying to refrain from writing that 4 letter word, I know in my heart of hearts that I feel that way.

Things seem to be going in slow motion yet the feelings are happening so fast, I get a bit dizzy. It's sad that we still have "circumstances" that keep us dancing in our familiar space of limbo, twirling and gliding to a full moon. And I know I could never replace the lost you feel in your heart from her absence. But do you believe that things happen for a reason? What's our reason? Do we dare play with fate?

Hypothetically, what if you met your soulmate today? Would you fight the feeling for the sake of trying to be "ok" or would you dare to take the risk to potential happiness?

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again.

Hi again.

Well, it has certainly been awhile since I last wrote. Don't even know why I'm writing or who I'm writing for, but nonetheless, I write. These past months have been the HARDEST months of my LIFE.  I thought that I would never get better. But low and behold, I made it through the wreckage. Only 2 more weeks of physical therapy. Trying to get back to a state of normalcy. I feel as though I just took a huge exam from GOD. He was testing me to see how strong I truly was. And in return, he practically gave me everything that I've been striving for for so many years: I'm happy. I truly feel like a dark cloud has left my body and I'm starting to live again. I meeting new people, making new friendships, going on DATES (I know right!?) and just keeping an open mind about things. And I'm back to the old pre-diabetes body! For 8 years now, I've been trying to get back to the size I was before my pancreas went kuput. It's been a long battle, filled with unhealthy tricks and diets to try to be smaller. But instead I decided to get healthy and now I'm 30 pounds lighter and back to where I started from. But I think the biggest change for me is that I'm relying on myself for my own happiness and not in another person. If they want to share my happiness, then fine but it's stemming from me this time. And I'm taking things much slower when it comes to guys. Really get to know who they are and a sense of their character before I give my heart away. I'm still a hopeless romantic but I'm definitely able to put on the brakes if I need to. Currently, there's a somebody that I've been talking to that I'm pretty smitten with.  But this time I'm taking it slow, no matter how much he makes me smile :)

Things are looking up. Just got a job working with kids at an Acting camp and hopefully I will become an Acting instructor in the fall. Don't have many complaints. Just trying to live my life

Death is always knocking at my door...

This will be week #3 that I've been gravely ill. After two trips to the E.R., all signs still say Costochondritis. However the last ER trip should an irregular EKG. Doctor says that the EKG says Ischemia- Heart Disease. Dear God. Have to see a Cardiologist tomorrow to see if that is the case. If it is, that would explain all the chest pain and everything I'm going through, would deny Costochondritis but would confirm the more grave diagnosis and Ischemia Heart Disease. There's always something wrong. Even when I try to do right by my health, something's always wrong. Wish I could trade this body in for a new one.

I guess it would be right if I had a heart disease. My heart has gone through so much stuff it wouldnt surprise me if something was wrong with my actual heart. That would teach me not to wear my heart on my sleeve. Ha. Actually No, it's not even funny to me. This is just depressing and I wish someone could fix me.

Enough for now. Don't feel like writing anymore, or doing anything at this point for that matter.

New Year, New Pain

Well 2010 ended the way the whole year has been, full of pain. Thanksgiving in the hospital, uneventful Christmas, and of course debilitating  neuropathy and stomach pains on New Years Eve. 2010 has been quite a doosy, However, I survived--barely. Now I'm starting off the new year in pain. Physical pain that is, which is far less severe than the emotional pain I went through last year. Physical pain I can handle. It's like a little physical reminder saying, "hey you're not dead yet!" Off to yet another doctor's visit on the 23rd to see what the hell is wrong this time. At least I know that this time, unlike many of the other times, it's not my fault. I've been checking my blood sugars regularly, eating how I should, etc. My hypochondriac in me says that what I'm experiencing maybe Fibromyalgia, which is incurable. Whomp whomp. So who knows...I guess I'll find out soon. Until then I've just been coping, being sedated pretty much 24/7 to just make it through the day.

Alot of people have new year resolutions and things they want to do different in the new year. Well I dont have any resolutions because I think I am the way I want to be ever year. I will continue to do the things I need to do to keep my health in order...and that means to continue to get rid of the toxins: toxic food, relationships, people in general.  I need to be healthy physically and mentally. I made a good change in my life in the last part of 2010 and I will continue to do so. Lets see what happens in 2011.