Why do I do this to myself?

Sherry Party is in 2 days so I finally get to wear the dress that I bought during Spring Break. I really wanted just to go stag and then I opened my mouth to my ex, for lack of a better term. He came with me last year when I thought we were an "us." Well I mentioned the dance to him during lunch and he asked me who I was going with and I told him stag, and then he said that he would go. Essentially he invited himself. I said ok because a. I have a problem with saying the word no and b. I must secretly be a glutton for punishment. I know that he's got a girlfriend, a 30 YEAR OLD gf might I add, and that he has no sexual interest in me so why do I find myself subconciously longing for it? *sighs* DAMN I HATE BEING SINGLE!

Moving on... I think I've decided that this will be the way I will stay connected to ppl this summer since I moving out to the desert with no technology for a couple months. I don't wanna do facebook anymore. Causes wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to much drama. I will have my cell phone so don't worry you can still contact me but I just wont be online as much. A blog here and there but I think that's going to be it. Soon enough I'll start telling ppl I have a blog. For now, it's still just for me to express myself...not really expecting anyone to read this, or care what's happening in my crazy ass life.

Now time for grub and procrastination.

Can't Sleep...Again...

So I'm still awake...

Still dealing with same old diabetic bullshit, swollen ankles...puffy fingers...general discomfort.
Plus the lovely addition of a new injury to my hip which makes it hard to walk and may need surgery (I'm PRAYING it doesn't come to that)...and of course finals.

I'm procrastinating...so many fucking papers that were due that I didn't do and so many papers that are coming up...

The shows over so I have my nights again. Overall, people gave me great feedback as far as my performance in the show...I wish I could say that for the show as a whole but hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion and their direction. As long as I brought some joy to people's lives, then I'm happy.

I miss having friends. Ha ha I know that sounds weird but as well known as I am around campus, I have few "friends." My loneliness could also be attributed to the fact that I'm alienated in my own house (I hate my living situation), the fact that I have no male companion anymore, romantic or platonic, and I'm not 21 so I can't go out to the bars with everyone else. It's been a really miserable semester actually. But I'm out on MAY 9TH! I'm getting the fuck out as fast as I can. I just can't stay here any longer if I'm to stay here longer...sorry spittin poetry here and there.

Sade's playing... Somebody already broke my heart...zzZZZZZZZZZZ

The End of Another College Year...

When I think back to when I was a freshman, I feel as though I have grown so much since I was that naive 18 year old far away from home. Now that I'm going to be a senior, I can't really say that the college years were the best years of my life, but definitely the most eye opening. If I could express what I've learned in those years in bullet form, it might look something like this:

• I am far more sensitive than I ever thought. For the longest, I had convinced myself and tried to convince others that I was a rock. It was my defense mechanism to try to save myself from hurt. Well after 3 years, I couldn't carry my shield anymore; it became too heavy. Now, I cry more than ever and carry my heart on my sleeve.
• Heartache doesn't get any easier, it just becomes more frustrating. I tried to pin it on the fact that perhaps I was young and stupid and too easy to fall in and out of lust/love. But no matter my age, I am too easy to open my heart. Unfortunately, I can't change that. And as long as boys suck and my taste in guys changes little, I'll probably continue to be hurt.
• I can't be alone. I am a person who cherishes my privacy and my alone time. But 24/7 alone time is just lonely. And I just can't survive without at least ONE person to depend on. I've had to depend on myself far too long that my burden is just a little too heavy for me to carry without a push now and then from a friend. I'm not asking for thousands, but just one trustworthy friend who I know will never put me in a position to be hurt.
• Maybe I should restore some faith in a higher power. I will never be the church going type but occasionally maybe I should have a conversation with the sky, the stars, the moon, with someone up way up there. If there are such things as miracles, maybe the powers that be might be incline to grant a couple to me to help ease some things for me. No harm in trying.

I guess I should finally address what my blog title means. For all of you who don't know what an Anuptaphobe is, it's someone who fears being single or marrying the wrong person. I know I know, you didnt know there was a phobia for that right? Let's just say that I have a fragile heart and very nervous to give it away again...