The End

Ugh it's 6 am so if I'm writing a blog, clearly there's a point. Well let me start with saying R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

All this time that I've had my fingers crossed, I'm done wishing and hoping. "If it was supposed to happen, it would have happened already" and even if I don't agree with the reasoning, that's a situation that's not meant for me to tackle. I can only deal with what's right in front of me. And when your love is being described as "wrong," or somehow made to feel dirty and tarnished, it's time to leave. So regardless of the final resolution, I'm pulling myself out. If I have to be referred to in your mind as "the one that got away," I can live with that. But I will not be used as a cause for nightmares and "signs" from God and all that. I'm not religious but I know that I'm not wicked or "wrong." And if that's what I make you think of, well then I can't live with that.

I want a love that would put u in a car and drive to me. I want a love that will make you do crazy spontaneous things. That's what I WANT. That's what I GIVE. I want a love so deep that everytime we look at each other, we see fireworks in each other's eyes. I wanna cry and BATTLE for you. I want to fight for you and I would happily if I knew you would do the same. Love is Bravery. You can't be a coward, can't be worried about what friends you would lose, who would be upset. Cause you would know that none of that stuff would ever matter if you had the one you loved by your side to make up for the friends you would lose in battle, be there to take on the brunt of angry emotion from whoever felt wronged. It's like the Musiq Soulchild song, "It's just you and me against the world." But if someone isn't in it all the way, I guess these simple "lover's demands" could seem overwhelming.

And that's why I'm stepping down. Will there be sacrafices? You bet. Will there be some awkward moments? Guarenteed. If I have to tell little white lies to keep the peace, I will. Cause that's what you do when you don't get your happiness. You let it go for someone else to have it. And like a soldier, I will keep on. Diabetes, Katrina, Financial Matters...we can just tag Love onto the end of the list. The boulder gets bigger, but I'll keep pushing it up that damn hill until one day another set of hands will come and either push with me or be so strong it just throws that fucking boulder off the hill (wouldnt that be nice? :) especially if he was a prince) But until then, love its knocks you down....you get back up and it knocks you down again. So this was round 12. I put up a good fight but I've been knocked out. Time to train my heart to go through it again with a new opponent. I might be training for a while though.

And here's another ending to another raw entry.Take what you will.

Numb

Smoking a cig...I have no words to express myself properly so I'll let the words of Diana Krall express it for me...

Was there something more I could have done?
Or was I not meant to be the one?
Where's the life I thought we would share?
And should I care?

And will someone else get more of you?
Will she go to sleep more sure of you?
Will she wake up knowing youre still there?
Why should I care?

Theres always one to turn and walk away
And one who just wants to stay
But who said love is always fair
And why should I care?

Should I leave you alone here in the dark
Holding my broken heart
While the promise still hangs in the air
And why should I care?

pretty down on myself right now...like i said, there are just no words i can say. living up to my blog title. im just defeated. its outta my hands now...

Country livin...

Wow so this "vacation" is harder than i thought. Its been one week and I'm literally about to pull my hair out. My neighbors are cows and chickens (i can feed them from the fence) and the house is the last one on a dirt road...dead end. Theres no internet so this post is gonna cause an arm and a leg from at&t but im willing to pay it cause im THAT bored.

I started the twilight series..OMG im in love with the books...I want a vampire boyfriend! lol Ive been reading alot over here which is a rareity within itself cause i hate to read lol

Im really lonely out here caue theres no one here my age. Plus no one calls or txts me except for ashton (thanks) so its like ive fallen off the face of the earth. i wanted to get away to have peace but i feel like i got more than i bargained for. So if anyone is reading this and wants to put me out of my misery, please call or txt..it'd be greatly appreciated!

dont know when the next time ill be able to update...bloggin on a cell is hard lol supposed to be swimming tomorrow and ridin the AVs on friday (hell yeah!) ill take pictures haha... Missin my "Edward" *sighs* oh well, back to reading ECLIPSE.

Departure

So this is it..My last blog before I go to country land. Tomorrow I will be on the road for 20 HOURS! I don't know if I plan on sleeping tonight cause if I just stay awake I can sleep for a long time in the car. Plus I'm traveling with a 5 year old next to me so that's gonna be an issue within itself.

This weekend was quite a weekend. Earl came into town with the fam for the weekend. I dyed my hair pretty dark but I like it. Candice's Wedding was yesterday and it was pretty fun. No drama with the family and everyone got along...(I think the liquor had something to do with that lol) And after the wedding I tried to race home to change to get to Ashton's bday party until my car started smoking cause my moms brake pads were completely deteriorated. Anyways, I made it to the party and it was really fun. And then we ended up at IHOP in which I was engaged in a 2 hour conversation about men and women and relationships...pretty insightful stuff was said given certain situations.

So I've also decided to document my month in New Mexico since I'll probably have nothing else to do. I'm not even sure if they have internet where I'm going...the nearest store is 2 miles from their house. I'm also trying to lose a significant amount of weight so I'm gonna document that as well (those blogs will probably be very angry seein how I'll probably be cranky with no food lol). I will however have my phone so txt messages will have to be my saving grace. Well here goes nothing. See all you NOLA peeps in July!