Honesty

I never thought that my life would be full of dishonest people. I'm not talking about about petty things like being fake or talking behind someones back. Those things I can stomach, just shake em lose and on to the next one. But the dishonesty I'm talking about is the one that consumes individuals that you deeply care about like your parents, your siblings, your significant others, your kids,etc: the kind of dishonesty that would cause one of your loved ones to lie directly to your face and feel no remorse, the kind that would cause someone to cheat and be unfaithful not caring what disease they may give you from this act. This year has been a doosey. It's unfortunate that things have finally come to light for me and now I understand why I've always been a cynic.

I've been too reckless these past 22 years with my heart. My love for humanity is great, more than anyone cares to realize. I hate to see anyone suffer because I know what it's like to suffer. I was bullied as a child so as a high schooler, I literally had a nervous breakdown because people in my class were being bullied and I tried to stand up for them and in return became the target for attacks. But now considering the disloyalty and dishonesty I've experienced in my college years, the bullies in high school feel like small fry.

I'm only writing this blog because I can't sleep as all the lies start to unravel and I put the memories of things said and memories of certain behaviors ,that I thought were locked in the file cabinet labeled number 4 in my brain, together. I guess you can call this my eureka moment or my "ah ha!" moment. And honestly, I'm not angry at all. I'm hurt and disappointed.

You can't know what it feels like to put your trust and your whole heart in someone and have them betray that trust. It literally causes physical pain. No one wants to know that the mother or father that gave them life would look you in the eye and lie to you. No one wants to know that the person you say I love you to is saying I love you to someone else. No one wants to know that the person you're supposed to marry is having an affair with someone else. no one wants to know that the person they've cherished for almost 3 years suddenly never wants to speak to you ever again and refuses to tell you why. I'm sad. I'm sad for humanity. I'm not saying I'm perfect. And I'm not saying that I've never told a lie in all my 22 years of life because I'm human but that's the sad part. We're human and through adaptation we've learned to tell lies to get what we want, maybe indirectly, but it's to fufill some want or need. If there's one thing I know about myself is that I'm a pretty honest person, almost to a fault sometimes. And I'm disappointed in myself because I expected everyone that came into my life to be as honest as I was, which was cleary not the case.

After the THanksgiving hospital visit, I wrote about my hard outer shell melting away. And now after having all these lies come to light for me, I'm actually very frightened because my armour that was supposed to protect me is gone and I'm vulnerable to being destroyed again by any person I encounter. I don't want to be this hard cynic but how can I continue showing the soft caring Dominique being exposed 24/7 for people to take advantage of my kindness and my love for humanity. I feel like crying a sea of tears and never leaving my bedroom. I want to lock the doors and never come out. Please give me the strength to be strong. When people all around you have secret agendas, who can u really trust but yourself. You think you know someone but in reality the only person you really know is yourself. I had to learn that blood means nothing. I had to learn that time doesn't matter.Kids don't matter, how many times doesn't matter, sex doesn't matter, a ring doesn't matter, WORDS don't matter. Because at the end of the day, people lie.

So I will ly in my bed in my locked room and cry for the human race as my sorrow-filled heart beats me to sleep.

Adele

I swear this woman sings what I think about...I LOVE this song.

Death, Ressurection, and Letting Go

Death is a funny thing. I think about it far to often for it to be healthy. But it's hard not to think about death when you have a chronic disease that takes so manY lives. I will admit that through the last 8 years, there have been times where I've given up on life. Life was too hard, the struggles of every day was too much, and loss was too great. Those were times that I was being selfish. Only thinking about a way out for myself. But this time was different...very different. This time I was fighting for life. Trying to keep my life together, trying to be the best employee, trying to impress my dad, I was trying. It seems I was being selfless, only thinking of how I could affect others. I guess I should have paid attention to myself more because this time death was more than a thought in my head; it was a reality.

I don't remember November 24. I remember the morning, going to work, feeling naseous and ill and going home. I remember thinking maybe I just need a nap. I remember the last insulin injection and reading 433 on my glucose meter. And the rest is blank. The memory just fades away like I'm in Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind I don't remember myself leaving my body or the look on my dads face when he found me. I don't remember seeing bright lights or all the lights going on in my house as my dad and stepmom frantically call 911. I don't remember how long I was out or how long the ride to Tulane was. I woke up the next day, realized where I was and felt like I truly had something to be thankful for this Thansgiving.

It wasn't filled with delicious Turkey and stuffing or cheesy baked macaroni. There was no laughter or dancing from tipsy family members. Thanksgiving was in the hospital with sounds of beeping from machines all around me. No alcohol but sodium chloride pumping thhrough my system. Not tipsy but hydrated from the IVs all over. No big extended family gathering but intimate gatherings around me from people who would truly care if I was gone. It wasn't a perfect holiday but it's one of most meaningful.

When something like his happens, it changes you. It's very different knowing that you failed evern though you were trying. It means I have to try harder. It means I have to change my priorities. It means putting my health first and everything after. For so long it's been my career first and then money,relationships, family,etc. My health has always been on the back burner because I guess in way I took for granted the resiliency of the human body. I must become selfish in a way and finally put me first and let everything else come after. I should control the things I can control like my health and let thing I can't control like the economy, the job market, the actions and feelings of others fix themselves.

And because of this new outlook on life, I'm letting everyhing go. I've finally understood why I'm a cynic and carry resentment. It all stems from acts of betrayal in my life. Being violated, my parents divorce, their secret marriages, getting diabetes, hurricane Katrina, my body, being used and taken advantage of, Tj and Jamie saga, being lied to all the time: Betrayal. Betrayal by family, parents, friends, boyfriends, and even God. Carrying all that and never being able to release it made me dwell in it causing more and more resentment. It made me hard. It made me so hard. Most mistook this hardness for strongness when in reality I was living in sorrow. I willnever go back to this. Holding on isn't good for the soul and my eyes have been opened. That week in the hospital I let it all go. All the resentment and sorrow, grief and betrayal, and the hard shell that took 22 years to develop just left my body. A wave of peace filled me instead and now I'm gonna work on loving life despite the everyday struggles. I want to truly be able to call myself a strong woman: a woman who's physically strong with a strong sense of self, a strong work ethic, a strong circle of friends, and a strong determination to be self sustaining.

I'm changing the way I think. I'm changing the way I feel. I'm changing the way I live.

A new pep in my step

So I havent blogged in a while and that's probably because I haven't just been sitting on my ass anymore lol. So I LOVE my job. It motivates me to get up and do something everyday. I never knew how rewarding going to a job you actually like could be. I finally have MONEY! Thank God! It feels so good not to be broke anymore. But I guess the biggest plus from the job is the new friends that I'm making! I was so depressed earlier when I moved back here to find that I had no true friends left to hang out with in New Orleans. But my co-workers are cool as fuck and I'm glad I'm washing away the toxic relationships of the past for the new relationships developing now. So all in all, things are looking up a bit. Still wish I had my own place, still wish I had love, but I'm content with life at the moment.

Why me? Oh lord, why me? FML.

I swear God must love fucking with me. That's the only thing I can think of. There's absolutely no other explanation for the BULL MALARKY. I just can't catch a break can I? So I've been unemployed since oh I dont know, mid August, and I've must have sent out over 50 applications (no joke) for various jobs. Finally, I get a call for a job and get hired on the spot. I had orientation this morning and because of my appearance, resume, and demeanor I was asked to start tonight as well. This is sounding like a good day right?! And then BAM! I'm hit with this situation again and I can only ask "Why the fuck me?" Out of ALL the restaurants in the city, and out of ALL the applications I sent out, the situation would haunt me at the ONE place that called. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So I'm back in this shit again but I refuse to be back in the shit. I will kill with kindness. It will not enter the work place. I will stay professional and courteous when need be but I don't want to be in the nonsense. I wanted my work to offer new relationships and friendships and this dark cloud that seems to FOLLOW ME WHEREVER THE HELL I GO kinda spoils it a little.

I will just stay focused in doing a good job and pray that nothing will come of this. God, WHY do you keep testing me?

Headaches

Last week was so promising. Went on some interviews, went on some auditions and now it's just the waiting game. Waiting for email, phone calls, somebody saying you have an interview...or someone offering me a job!

I had an interview last week with for an entry level position for an office production assistant  for 600/week. The job was for a movie being shot down here til April and by the time it wrapped, if i got the job, I would have made close to 15gs! But I have a hunch they wanted someone with more experience. Damn! I would have done anything for that kind of money...even putting all my acting gigs on hold.  My mom and I decided that if it was God's will, he would call and offer me the job. There's 8 days left until the job starts...we'll see.

Other than that, its just been application after application with my standards getting lower and lower. Student loans start in about 2 weeks and I have til Nov. to make the first payment. This just causes one big migraine after another. Along with other things...

For the love of God, LEAVE ME ALONE.

To whom this may concern:

I don't have to call you out because you know who you are. This has gone on for way too long now. I don't know what else I can possibly do to get away from you. I hold no anger, no resentment, no feelings AT ALL now. I do not talk of you, I do not think about you anymore. I have tried to remove myself from all things associated with this MESS. Yet, I'm continually sought out for some odd reason. Whether it be to invite me to church, to tell me how you've moved on, wishing me the best, etc. --all things I don't care to know. And now after months of no contact, you come on my personal blog that I write for me to try to censor me?! I think not. I have every right to say what I want as a form of freedom of speech, especially when my words harm no one because they are thoughts for myself to read later. Not for anyone else and if you have a problem with that, that sounds like a personal problem to me. If my thoughts or ideas do not agree with yours and are causing you grief or animosity is someway, here's a simple solution: don't read my blog. Wow, it's that simple. I asked to be left alone so if you read this blog, you read at your own risk and I really don't want to hear whining about it. I don't dictate how people should think or live their lives so I don't expect  you to try to dictate mine.

This long drawn out saga really needs to end. Prove to me that you've truly grown up and let's settle this like adults now. No more contact.

Relief :)

So things have basically been the same...still no job, still bickering with Dad, still stuck at home. Yet something is different. I feel this strange sort of relief. Big things are happening as far as my acting career...got an audition tomorrow for a certain vampire movie that I won't say (hehe) and I have to speak Portuguese! Haha! It would be an honor just to get a call back for this film but the odds are against me. Though I have my fingers crossed that even if I don't get the part, I can make some connections out it. Got another audition on Wednesday in Baton Rouge and I have a potential hookup with a movie with Tracy Morgan, but thats still in preproduction. So that part of life is looking up.

I might sound like a bitch for this, but the reason for relief is because something that has caused me many headaches for the past couple years seems to have finally left me...the resentment I mean. Just the mere fact of knowing that the outcome was probably the best thing for my life is a relief. I just keep thinking about what could have happened and where I would have ended up and I literally shiver. I should have never settled and I'm soooooooo glad it didn't happen. Just wasn't the life for me. If I learned one thing from living with my dad, it's that I am no simpleton. And I can't live a simpleton's life. I reach for higher things, not laying around getting high. *Side note* I can't wait to make that song with you Troy-Peter Pan in the works baby! Anyways, so I'm glad I still have my "dignity" untouched and congrats to the one who can keep up with me and whos in love with my beauty AND brains.

And I'm gonna stop apologizing for being pretty. Blame my parents. :)

If I die before I wake...

I thought last night I was going to die. Seriously. I had lost all feeling in my extremities and my heart beat had slowed to like a light thump last night. I couldn't think straight and everything started to go to a fuzzy grey. I was in bed of course trying to sleep but I thought it might be my last slumber. I didn't die obviously but the thing that is most eerie to me is last night I managed to jot something down on paper...a farewell if you will. 

This morning I barely remember doing it and it reads like chicken scratch. Not to mention the contents of the note aren't very deep. I have to wonder, did I care that it might be my last night? From the note, it doesn't seem like it. But to die in your sleep is a luxury most are not able to receive. Most people die horrific deaths or are in agony in their final moments. I think last night I had a sense of...dare I say, peace. Finally, no more pain. No more thirst or shots or stress, worrying about money, being fucked over by men, having my heart broken over and over again. No more doctors, no more edema, no more diabetes, no more physical pain. It was almost like all the weight of the world had been lifted for those 15 minutes of sheer cold. The boulder had been removed and my body was shutting down saying, "Thanks, but I've had enough." And I can't even be mad at it. It's gone through so much. How many shocks can a body take to the system and still be ok? This is truly a test of mans resiliency. I think I'm really starting to believe in the power of the body to heal and repair itself. I was sure that I would be dead by 20. I kept telling myself I'm going to keel over at the age of 30, or have some horrific complication that''s gonna make me want to end it. I guess I'm slowly losing track of goals to reach, things to strive for. And am just kind of floating along now...not really caring where I float to.

Stifled

Have you ever gotten to the point where you just feel stifled? I feel as though someone just turned the faucet off on my creativity. I can't write. I can't paint. Everything just seems pointless...It's like a thirst that can't be quenched. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's a funk that I've never experienced before and I've been in some serious funks before. I just feel like BLAH. There's just no motivation to do anything. I feel like the days just melt into one another. I don't even know what fucking time or day it is right now. And when you're by yourself all the time, it starts to take a toll on you. I feel like I'm a prisoner to myself...trapped in a cell made of nothing. I need a fuckin change. Something's gotta change. New glasses given me a little bit of a constant headache while my eyes get used to looking through something foreign.

I wondering if I'm harboring some unaddressed issues or something. I feel an inkling of anger or some sort of inclination to want to yell right now. Or maybe it's my effort to try to fight this comatose state I'm in where I literally don't utter a sound all day. There's no reason to say anything when there's no one here and fuck if I start talking to myself...that's not cool. I'm just tired of everyone telling me to get out the house and go somewhere by myself and enjoy the day. Enjoy the day doing fucking what? Either way I'm still alone only now I've wasted gas and I'm lonely in a new location. What people don't understand about me is that I'm not a hermit. I don't revel in deep thinking alone. I'm a social private person meaning that I like to be social but I like my privacy. But privacy and solitude are two different things. I can't do the latter.

I'm rambling now but I mean what other option do I have. This is the most communication I've had all day and A. it's with a computer and B. I still have yet to utter a word.

-D

Glasses!

Ups and downs

So I was supposed to write this blog two days ago but yesterday my father made me so miserable that I didn't feel like writing. It's been a rough couple of months post grad. Things just haven't been moving as smoothly as I would have liked. Now that I'm jobless, time has just been moving so slowly. It wasn't so bad cause Ashton used to rescue me from my boredom but since he moved back to Georgia, I literally have no friends. Thought maybe I would get my best friend back but after being blown off for like 6 times in two weeks, I want nothing to do with her right now. And shit just keeps getting worse as far as living with my dad. And lastly, I'm losing my vision...can't see far anymore and now i have to wear glasses. For all u glasses-wearing folk, you're probably just thinking, "oh boo hoo, join the club" Well I wish that was the case but from someone who's had 20/20 vision all her life and now has diabetes, this is not good. Most diabetics go blind due to diabetes complications so I have to go back to my doctors to see if blood vessels aren't leaking. Now by now I know this blog is sounding more and more like a "woe is me" blog but there is little rays of sunshine.

This past week I just signed with an agent! Yay! And within the week I already got an audition. It was a fun one... For Louisiana lottery. I had to dance to a hip hop jingle haha. It was a fun audition to get my feet wet again. Then the day just got weirder. I went to visit my cousin Dana who was in town randomly with her boyfriend and brother and who walks in the door behind her? Delvin. I swear I almost had a heart attack in the bathroom. It was the first time I had seen him in about 5 years. It was awkward. He only looked up at me when I said hello and 30 minutes later when I said goodbye. I tried to play it cool, engaging in conversation with Dana and her new bf and her brother Kevin but in my head I was thinking all sorts of things...does he feel awkward too? Does he think I look good? Is he purposely ignoring me? Or does he feel fine? And all the vain questions us girls ask ourselves everyday about our appearance. It was hard for me when I left. I'm not gonna lie and say part of me doesn't want to see if there's something worth rekindling now that we're both adults. Nostalgia gets the best of me everytime I hear his name but actually SEEING him was almost too much. He looks exactly the same ha. And the fact that he JUST accepted me as a facebook friend this past month after months and years of denying or ignoring requests just makes the whole situation even more awkward and hilarious. Oh life is funny. These days it would be nice to have a companion or something because I swear my family is trying to break me.

I'M GOING TO LOSE IT

I swear to God I'm going to fucking lose it! I'm absolutely miserable here. I feel like a fucking prisoner. My face is all broken out from stress, I'm not sleeping, and I feel like I'm going to die. Everyday is a screaming match with my father and a sea of uncomfortableness with my stepmom. I lost my job a couple of weeks ago because my position was removed by the owners so every day I sit at home and just watch tv and get fat of course. Living here is killing all the remaining respect I had my father and I am becoming more and more enraged. He doesnt under me...something's gotta give or else I'm going to lose it!

Unemployment.

These past couple weeks have been pretty rough just because I've been bored and uninspired. I guess that translates into falling into a depression because the cosmic forces seem to be pushing signs my way that to the world, I seem depressed. And I guess it's true. At this point I've seemed to subconsciously pushing people away and alienating myself. I guess it's because I feel stifled creatively and self doubting this quest I'm on to essential be a movie star as retarded as that may sound. That's what it is though. I don't know. I just feel kind of stagnant right now. And a person to talk to or a best friend would really be nice right now. I'm hoping that my mother can provide some kind of comfort when she comes to town on Wednesday. Honestly, I'm not really trying to find a job right now until I spend time with my mom. I got enough money in the bank right now to just coast right now if I don't do any lavish spending. *Sighs* Just rambling now, think I'm gonna try to draw something now. Out.

Missing Something...

So I guess I'll start this one off with explaining how I injured myself. I slipped on some grease in the kitchen at work, landed on my tailbone, hit my head, and screwed up my wrists pretty badly. I guess being hurt is what kicked this whole thought process off. I had to take care of myself and nurse myself back to health alone. And that's when I realized how lonely I actually am. I have everything I could want at this point...a job, a car, friends, money...the only thing I'm missing is someone to share it with. Yeah yeah yeah everyone always says you gotta find happiness within yourself. Well guess what, those same people who say that are the ones that either have someone already, or lying to themselves as well because they know if they didnt have anyone, they would being in the same position I'm in now. I mean let's be honest people. Who wouldnt want someone who is their best friend that they can also be intimate with? It's what I crave more than ANYTHING at this point. To say I've been fucked over many times is an understatement. It's happened so many times now that I expect it; it's the norm.

More and more of my friends are getting married, and having kids that I'm sort of jealous. All my life has been so focused on my career and acting that I kind of miss what non-creative people have. Like how would my life have turned out if I did normal shit and was like an english major or going into law? Sometimes I wish I was just normal. I'm not being cocky when I say I'm talented. I acknowledge that I can do things that others can't and I'm very intelligent. But sometimes I wish I really was average. It would be so much easier to find someone compatible. And that's the biggest problem. When you strive for greatness, and you reach it, it's hard to find someone who has done the same.

It's lonely at the top.

*sighs* To wait at the top or step down to join the common man to have a companion?

Just keep swimming just keep swimming...

*sighs* Theres no better feeling than when things just fall into place. I know in my last post I was talking a lot about progress. Well i finally got my car. Yay me! It's a 2004 white Toyota camry. It's taking a lil while to get use to driving a midsize Sedan because all I ever driven were small cars.

In other news, my birthday is next Wednesday but were all gonna get some good grub at acme oyster house. Another year goes by and more lessons learned. I swear I am one wise 22 year old (sometimes a wise ass) lol one thing that i notice is every year it's always the same faces sitting around my birthday table. Although I don't always talk to these ppl everyday, these are my "old faithfuls" and I suppose they are the closest things that I have to friends.

My job is still pretty cool. Getting paid good money for doing practically nothing. And i'm meeting potential suitors to go on dates with. Met this cute retired army guy the other day who asked for my number. It's bitter sweet. Somedays I feel like the job is not conducive to trying to repair my self image and self esteem because I have to look "fuckable" but it's all worth it when a customer tells you how beautiful you are. So I guess the ends justify the means. Oh well now I'm just rambling.

Goals: -Cali by may 2011
-Pocket Beagle by 2013
-Bf/Husband by 2015

Ahh Sweet Success!

Life feels so good when you are actually making progress towards something...

1. THE JOB: I love my job. I feel like I work in a circus filled with characters. It's a lot like theater actually, only the script keeps changing. More like Improvisation. First off, money; money really does make the world go round it feels great to take home a BIG OL WAD OF CASH home everyday after work just in my tips from bartending. It's great! And since I'm such a homebody, I'm saving it all so it's nice to feel somewhat financially secure stable for right now until I really have to start paying bills.

2. HOME LIFE AFTER COLLEGE: Actually, I think it's gonna be ok at my dad's. I had a heart to heart with him a couple weeks ago and we ironed out some issues and talked about pet peeves. I think just once we become more familiar with each other again, it'll be fine.

3.MY CAR!!!!!!: UGH! I cannot tell you how long I've waited to get a car of my own. A lot of people and my friends take for granted the fact that they have cars. It's really hard when your parents don't make much money and the rest of the money they do make goes to monthly medical bills for me. I've waited for this for about 7 years now and if the "little birdie" is right, I might have it by next week! YAY!

4.ME: This is probably the most important move towards progress. I'm really trying to get myself physically healthy. What I'm doing to my body is hard on my heart and other organs so I really need to get it under control to save long term damage. But vanity is an ugly bitch that's hard to tackle.
****POSITIVES******
I am however at peace and really quite happy lately; and I'm happy just being with myself. Before I put to much trust in other things to make me happy: parents, family, friends, boyfriends, etc. But for the first time I think I'm getting back to being happy with just me, myself, and I.

So I say so far, my progress report is an A+ in the right direction and I will continue to stride content with myself, my car (fingers crossed), and my MOOLAH BITCHES! haha :)

Eclipse

Me and JAcob had quite a laugh over dinner today about the whole "edward" "Jacob" thing of. Y past. I am so team Bella at this point in my life. All about focusing on what I need in my life. I'm tired of running after guys and planning my life around them. Especially cold blooded ones. I need a guy whose warm and cuddly with me. We tried to go see the movie tonight but it was sold out. I guess we'll try again tomorrow

Roll with the punches...

So this week I've been feeling a bit weird because I've been trying to get my life in order. I've decided to get healthy: physically and emotionally. That means actually taking care of acknowledging and addressing the fact that I have a disease that needs to be managed for me to live. It's gonna be a challenge for me because my career and even my current job requires me to look "attractive" (whatever that means) and getting healthy means my bodys going to change. Hopefully I won't have to live in a state of dehydration. That also means gaining weight...something which is already happening. It isn't pleasant or fun carrying around extra weight cause it's tiring...and of course the whole not fitting in your clothes and constant critique by family isn't great either. It's been a real test to my self esteem.

Emotionally, I'm doing alright. I'm enjoying the new responsibilities I have at work. It's kinda stressful but it's good stress...makes me feel like I'm actually working towards something and not just working. Limited friends these days but for a good reason. Let's just say that i'm more selective of the friends I keep in my inner circle. I'm too young to carry resentment and work on old soiled friendships when I can create new exciting ones. Some you should keep like Mr. Simmons or how I like to call him "old faithful" lol or Miss Teamers whose my "now and later" because we can either talk now or way later and we'd still pick up where we left off. But I'm excited about the new people I've met so far at work and the promise of more great connections to come. Especially when I eventually move to California! It's gonna be joyous...nice weather, new city, NEW people. it's gonna be great.

I just have to remind myself to keep looking forward and never look back. My past has too many pockets of darkness I can dwell in. I must remember that the last person to fuck me over will not be the last. I must remember that not all people have open hearts or tell the truth. I have to accept that not everyone has their shit together like I may have. And most importantly I must allow those kind good natured people into my life to be cherished.

Got a lot of shit to work on/sort out/let go, but that's just life post grad.

Starting Over

So it's been about three weeks now since Ive moved back home and it's been very interesting so far. I've moved in with my father which has been a little rough with tons of tears and headaches. We just have to get used to one another. Also I got a job in the quarter working for my sister within the first week of moving home. I get paid pretty well for doing virtually nothing and I'm meeting interesting people in the process. It's also building up my self esteem with all the compliments I get :) I'll get my swag back sooner or later. I deserve to feel good about myself because I'm a good and attractive person. I can't wait to finally find my companion that will be honest and give unconditional love. Maybe I'll find him working at this job. Lol. It also helps that I get to work with a reliable friend everyday (that's a bonus).

Adulthood is daunting but I'm trying to get a grip. So far I don't have any bills to pay but I'm on my grind like I do. Maybe that's a good thing so when they do start ti come it won't be that big of a thing. Can't believe that college is over and I'll never be in school again. I think I actually miss the ability to sit in a class and gain knowledge in a certain subject. Don't get me wrong, I hated writing the papers but I miss the discussions.

Oh well, time to start a new chapter in life. Back in New Orleans, new job, new friends, new experiences. So is the life of D.

Graduated.

I can’t believe that I did it. I made it through college. Most people feel as though when they turn 21, they become an adult. But I think it’s when you get your degree and realize that you have completed something that you have prepared for since 5 years old, you truly are an adult. No more papers, no more exams, no more late night study sessions, no more early morning classes. When I think about everything I’ve gone through these past four years, it is truly amazing that I made it. Some question whether college is right for them. I don’t know where I would be without the college experience. I’ve learned so much and have grown so much as a person, that I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. I’m also glad that I went to a school far away from home. I gained a greater sense of independence and it got me out of the small town bubble of New Orleans. I got to travel and see the world. I’ve accomplished things and seen things that most people will never do or see in their whole lives. I am so extremely lucky that I have parents that have a “where there’s a will there’s a way” mentality. Though we’re not the wealthiest of people, we know how to make do with what we have and make it worth our while.

I’ve also have a greater sense of self worth. These four years I’ve allowed myself to be used and stepped on. It really made me question my worthiness and existence in general. But it’s like the saying goes…”what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” And boy, am I strong now. I know that I’m worth a lot more than I give myself credit for. I’m driven, I’m extremely intelligent, I’m wise beyond my years, I am beautiful, and I have a caring heart. Too often I give too much of myself to others. But now that I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made in the past due to naïveté, I’m constantly in self preservation mode. I refuse to be hurt. I am no longer weak. Watch out. I’m more focused than I ever have been in the past. This steam train is on the way and isn’t slowing down anytime soon.

Smirks Smirks and more Smirks

I've deleted the years worth of texts, emails, and photos.

Mother gave words of encouragement (Yes, they will be lining up and beating down my door ;-) )

I wrote the epic poem.

Oh, and I'm pawning the diamonds.

*Sighs* I feel better.

Flight of a Too Trusting Butterfly...

Through the window where the Darling children dreamed,
Of movie stardom, showbiz, and all Hollywood things,
A shadow crept along the floor and into her bed,
And next to her is where he gently laid his head.
She was awaken to a interesting shadow,
and a noise from a boy climbing through her window.
He was a small little thing with a bit of a fro,
who flashed a smile while standing akimbo,
"Have you seen my shadow? Oh, I'm Peter Pan,
I am not from this world, I am a martian."
She giggled to herself because she found him a bit corny
But he appealed to her'cause he seemed quite artsy.
He needed help getting his shadow back
And a way to keep his foot and shadow intact.
She found it hard to sew the shadow to his foot,
His kept shaking his leg, it wouldn't stay put
He said "Do you want to see space up in the sky?
Smoke this weed and you can fly."
Red was now the color in his eyes
surrounding the shade of hazel, he was so high.
In and out the bellowing smoke went
And low and behold he began to ascent,
"Think happy thoughts" is all she had to do
to fly with the stoner and see space too.
He said, "Come butterfly and take my hand,
we're going to space to my never neverland."
She was nervous to travel with this strange boy
He seemed to have the power to bring joy or destroy.
Some didn't approve of Pan choosing her
So they had to dodge "hater meteors."
She's brought to a world she doesn't quite understand
So tighter becomes the grip to his hand
It's a lax world filled with weed and childish toys
And there she was introduced to the Lost Boys
A stoner, an unsure boyfriend, and a lovable joker,
nonetheless they all welcomed and embraced her.
All around the land they greeted and adored her
and was happy for Peter Pan and their newfound sister.
However while she was there, she heard about Pan's past
and of the other "sisters" that didnt last,
his obsession with wolverine from x-men comic books
and the back and forth relationship with Captain Hook
The air leaves the room when the name is uttered
for Hook was once a "sister."
The Boys take a liking to their new family member
and would be cool is she stayed forever.
She tries to help Peter not to feel so lost
He jokingly says "Ok you're the boss"
Mesmerized by the beauty of the butterfly,
He promises to keep his feet on the ground and not get high.
She magically takes away his headaches and calms him down
He starts to smile more and away goes the frowns.
Months go by and plans were being made to leave Neverland forever
Pan got cold feet about growing up and disappeared however.
The pull of the game fighting with Hook was just too strong,
She was now a choice that was deemed wrong.
Her love and support was not enough to get him to change
He would rather smoke and go back to the back and forth Hook slashing each other game.
The boys were really confused and before long
she was no longer at neverland, she was gone.
The boys prayed for Pan that he would get his life on track
But they said this not to him, but behind his back.
She felt like before she left, she needed to tell him to make a plan
or he would forever be a boy and never leave neverland.
A break was needed to look at each other with new eyes
After they combed through all the deceit and lies.
Just when they were reconnecting he was becoming adult Peter Pan
She was suddenly ultimately banned.
He removed her from his life and back to his old ways
to play once again in Hook's and his back and forth childish games.

In this Neverland world is where they all stay
As the slightly slashed butterfly flies away.
Back in her bed, she awakes letting out a loud scream,
It was a horrible night terror, one of those debilitating dreams.
She wipes the tears from her face and is thankful that its over,
For its seems Neverland was quite traumatic for her.
She can only laugh off the thoughts of the Lost Boys, Hook, and the infamous Peter Pan
She could never stay with a boy in that world, she needs a MAN.
she takes a deep breather, gets out of her bed, and drinks a tall glass of water
Back to thoughts of stardom, hollywood and performing on the stage in large theaters.




Consider this closure.
-D

I'm afraid of heights...

Enough with this rollercoaster, I'm getting off this ride.

Poetry soon.

-D.

eh

I've never felt so ugly or alone...

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder

I'm not going to write about metaphors or anything clever. I just want to speak very candidly. All my life I've been told that I was pretty. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn, it's just the truth. Mostly I've been told that I have a very pretty face. There was one point in my life that I had that typically "hot body" but that was way back then. Then I got diabetes. I never knew what it would do to me mentally when I was first diagnosed. I've never talked about this before but I can't stop crying and I feel like I need to or I'm not gonna make it...literally. Diabetes did all kinda funky things to my body including slowing down my metabolism. I began to develop a pudge in my stomach. I was a musical theatre major and required to wear leotards everyday for class. The kids at school scrutinize your body. I had a nervous breakdown in highschool. I had to leave for two weeks and be in hardcore therapy with my parents. I wasn't suicidal then....yet. Then Katrina happened and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years at the time called it quits with me. This DESTROYED ME. I really thought that we were gonna be together forever. He still doesn't talk to me. I think about him ALL the time even though I pretend I don't. I lie to myself. I was so happy when I was with him. He showed me the definition of unconditional love and I haven't found that since he left. By then I had already developed my eating disorder...which I still have. I went into depression and denial and told myself fuck life...The same motto I have now. I stopped taking my medicine..on purpose. Less insulin I took, the skinner I got because I'd lose all the water weight by dehydrating myself to death literally. Something that I still do now. Most of the time I feel like I have a death wish. In my hearts of hearts I know I won't make it to 30. Most of the time I don't want to.

My freshman year and sophomore year is when I lost my mind. I became an alcoholic and slept with any guy willing to stay with me for the night out of sheer loneliness. I tried to jump out my window after a party. I lived on the 13th floor of a tower. Wouldn't that have been perfect? Suicide on the 13th floor. If anyone would get to live on a floor for bad luck, it would be me right? I remember all my friends restraining me to the bed for hours. I remember them finding the will I wrote and signed in my drawer. I was ready then. Sophomore year is when my body started deteriorating. I keep getting infections everyday that I have to tend to. No STDs, just my own body being attacked by bacteria. These are the gross details I leave out for people. Every night I deal with these infections. Have to check for new sores. It's painful. It's annoying. It's time consuming, and it was my own little secret. Its hard to be intimate with someone when you have to do a body check everyday. And if you do have something unpleasant, you make up excuses. Always considerate of the other person. I'm not a healthy person so things are sacraficed...my visions hazy because I don't take enough insulin. My hair falls out in chunks and I'm thinning partly to do with heredity and partly to do with not being healthy. I eat alot! I drink lots of water! People think I have a healthy appetite and that I'm being healthy by drinking water. I like to let them believe what they want. I eat alot because it's an compulsion. I'm so sick and my blood sugar is so high that my body is literally addicted to food. I drink over 4-5 gallons a day because otherwise I'd die literally. I live in a state of dehydration. It's why I have a hard time doing any physical activity anymore because my muscles are starving for water.

I'm in a business where looks are everything. Fuck your talent if you're not good looking. It's hard to say, I'm gonna lose weight the healthy way. God knows I want to. They problem is, that would require me to take the right amount of insulin. Once I start eating right, the urinating stops, the water weight stays on, and all the pounds that I've accumulated from eating so much that you don't see due to the lack of water weight, becomes apparent and now I'm 25 pounds heavier. Not good when your supposed to be a twig.

These are just part of the daily routine that is my life. Not to mention all the other stresses that just comes with college life and being in your twenties in general that everyone else has to face. So when someone tells me I'm a "beautiful creature," I want to laugh in their face because they don't know the pain I deal with every day to be "pretty."

I consider myself to be a really down to earth person. To go through the shit I've gone through on a daily basis, you have to be. This is why I don't believe in the power of prayer...sometimes I think people are just lazy and wish something will take care of their troubles for them instead of just dealing with them. I'm a very intelligent talented person who has to deal with a lot of stupid immature people everyday. I mean everyday. But the funny thing is, I'll cater to the stupid and immature and the delusionals and the crazies all to find my happiness and find some enjoyment here while I'm still here, which is, phew, god knows how long. Ha, here I was actually planning a wedding when planning a funeral, your own funeral, is so much better. Even if it is to give the finger and a big "FUCK YOU" to everyone who's ever hurt me....My parents, my family, my friends, all the guys who'd use me a leave me (physically, emotionally, and mentally), and the almighty GOD of course. Yea, all the Christians gasp in unison now and pray for me, cause I know you will...

It's sad because honestly, all I ever wanted to do was share my talents and love with the world and be loved unconditionally.

Instead I will continue the countdown of being "beautiful" while slowly killing myself all so someone else can make you all happy.

Be Complaisant not Complacent.

I'm convinced that complacency is the killer of all relationships. If you look at the divorce rate in America, you gotta wonder why it all went downhill. In the beginnings of relationships/marriages, there's always that infatuation stage or the "newlywed" stage where each partner is complaisant (willing to please) and everything is mushy gushy and that's where the pet names come in and the non stop cooing in each other's faces. Slowly over time each partner becomes somewhat complacent, thinking that they've done enough to secure their partner in the relationship. The cooing stops, the pet names drop, and "i love you" because less meaningful and more like a salutation. Next thing you know bickering starts happening because you each try to tell the other that they've become complacent, which is just a fight pleading for the other to show more affection. But in an effort not to fight, you learn to settle. This is where the death of the relationship starts to happenBecause now you just learn to tolerate each other for the sake of the marriage/dog/children, whatever. And once you've hit that point, you might as well pull out the divorce papers because it's not gonna get any better. Resentments have already start to build at this point and there's pretty much nothing you can do (though there are always exceptions to the rules like couples who go through intense therapy).

I'm trying really hard not to become complacent, and stay complaisant. It's so hard to do this long distance. There's only 34 more days left until I'm home but things have gotten so rocky lately, I feel like I'm losing my grip on things. Things have been geared towards the future for so long that I feel like we're not focusing on the present. And if we lose the present, there will be no future. I feel lost and helpless at this point. I want my love back. We've been through so much to become complacent. He needs to know that everyday he brings sunshine to my life. He needs to know that he's the best part of my day. He needs to know that I love him with every fiber of my being. He needs to hear these things from me everyday. I know I'm not one for expressing my emotions very well, but I will do whatever it takes to keep him around. I encourage every one that has a significant other, to embrace the small things in life that makes your partner happy, whether that be flowers, a note left on the dresser before work, a txt message, a kiss on the forehead, etc. Be complaisant not Complacent.

-D.

Back.

Hello world. I'm back.

I had to take a brief hiatus because the last blog I wrote wasn't me...It was one of the meanest things I've ever written so I pulled it and re-evaluated my reaction; no one should ever have that much power to change me like that.

But that chapter is OVER. Thank god.

So where am I you may ask as far as frame of mind? I'm good. I'm just chillin or coasting right now. I'm doing me and living my life. I've done everything I wanted to accomplish so far in life; I've followed the plan I made for myself when I was younger and now its almost time to write the new plan. Graduation is in May...I managed to stay focus and get college done in 4 years where a lot of my friends still have another year or two. Time for the real world, which is both exciting and daunting to me, but like a trouper I will press on. I'm ready for the next stage in my life. Moving back to New Orleans will be an experience. I'm worried about getting trapped there. If I could, I would move straight to California...I just don't have the means right now so New Orleans is the destination for a little while. I have to keep telling myself that it's only temporary. *Sighs* So many things have changed now that I feel torn about my decisions because it affects other people now. I have to decide to either stick to my plan and be selfish or try to alter my plan to the detriment of my initial promises and goals...There's just so much stuff that's up in the air and I don't like it because I like to have things planned out. I guess I can't control everything in life. So for now, I will just coast til I have to make a turn and decide when I get to the fork in the road.

The other side of life :)

I never get to make it to this side very often. It's territory that I'm mostly unfamiliar with. I usually tread with caution but this time I'm throwing caution to the wind. This time it's different. This time I have a guide to depend on and to keep me safe. It's like I'm seeing the world for the first time. And I owe it all to my love. Love transcends all boundaries an takes you to different heights, different dimensions, different states of being. He doesn't know it yet, but he's the definition of love to me. What can you do when words just aren't enough? How can you get across a feeling that is beyond all earthly definitions?

I can't believe it's almost a month already. Time just seems to cease to exist since I've been with TJ. A lot of my blogs have been focused on trying to find "my happy." I truly believe that I've finally found it in him. Yes, things have been rocky but we've gotten through it together.

Who knows where this will lead...but I'm ready to go the distance with his hand in mine. My heart has finally been released. I love you Terence.

The L Word

Ahh :) It's been so nice lately...finally being able to be happy. I thought that we would never make it to this point, through all the adversity we had to face just to BE together. And now that we are, I'm gonna do everything I can to hold on to Love. Because I'm convinced that's what it is...Love. It was love that got us through the distance, through the threats, through the fears...And it's going to be Love that gets us through the next 5 months. It's been a world wind since Bella met Edward but she still stuck with him through it all. They've entered a new phase and Bella is exciting about what's to come. She knows that Edward sometimes worries about the world that he's opened Bella's eyes too...dangerous situations with new monsters to deal with. But Bella isn't going anywhere.

I went to Lake Charles to meet the parentals and all important brother...I was welcomed with open arms :) It went so well and they genuinely seem to like me, which is important if im trying to become part of the fam. It's all finally falling into place :)

A word to the wise: Life and Love are about risks. You will never know how great a reward finding love is if u never got for it or are not willing to make sacrifices. Live your life for yourself or it will be you who will miss out. We made many sacrifices for our love...but in the end, we are happy and that's all that matters.

Relapse

I don't know the last time I cried so much.

Today I got a visit from someone in my past out of the blue that triggered off a chain of events tonight that wasn't pretty. I can't express how deeply this visit played with my head...it was like seeing the demon man from your dreams open your front door. Things that I have supressed since I was 7 all came rushing back at once over taking any type of logic. All of a sudden, I was that 7 year old again. I was in the same house, the same room where it took place. How was I supposed to sleep now? I might as well stay awake since my nightmares are now reality. Maybe if I pop some pills? Who could I run to? Tonight I am alone..lying on the floor. I'm so fucked up now...

It's not fair to push this on anyone else. Boyfriend already dealing with so much. I hopped in the shower...I just wanted to stay in there forever. My eyes were competing with the faucet, thought I'd drown. But I'm drowning in sorrow and pain right now...alone. I want things to be fine...please somebody tell me that things will be fine. So many thoughts are running through my head...I just want to yell at my brain and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!"

I called...and called...and nobody answered. Maybe that's my answer. I'm just numb.

I'm fucked up. Damaged Goods. I spoil everything. And I can't stop crying...I just want to stop breathing.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...and the crazies are just space cadets...

This weekend was a real test of my patience...I finally know what Helen of Troy must have felt like: to have armies fight over your presence. It's a very strange feeling. My boyfriend and I have only recently announced our relationship and already it's like the Earth has exploded. People's true colors and their maturity level showed their ugly heads this weekend. As of right now, my relationship isn't just between me and him...it's a relationship between me, him, and like 4 or 5 other people lol That's what happens when people can't leave well enough alone. Oh how I wish that we could just have time with each other. This relationship has been a year in the making and now I just want to enjoy just being together and enjoy each other.

I'm in my own Twilight story...I finally have my Edward but we're being stalked by Victoria who is obsessed with my Edward. She's always trying to kill us or our love. Poor Jacob is caught up in it because in my Twilight story (which should be called Full Moon cause crazy shit always happens) Jacob is actually related to Edward and one of my best friends. Our army is small compared to the various Vampires that Victoria seems to be able to gather to go against Edward and me. Edward left me once before because he wanted to protect me but like Bella, this time I'm ready to fight on the line next to him holding his hand. I might have been weak before but I'm ready this time and I will not let Victoria get the upper hand.

I'm amazed at the strength I had this weekend. When put in the same predicament last year, I was weak and too concerned with being apologetic just to appease someone. Well not anymore. I have gained my confidence back and I will not let someone make me less worthy of what I have. I'll cruise in the spaceship with him and all crazies can just stay space cadets. Maybe one day they'll come back to earth and be normal again but until then, let them float in the vast space of space looking at us pass them by.