Relapse

I don't know the last time I cried so much.

Today I got a visit from someone in my past out of the blue that triggered off a chain of events tonight that wasn't pretty. I can't express how deeply this visit played with my head...it was like seeing the demon man from your dreams open your front door. Things that I have supressed since I was 7 all came rushing back at once over taking any type of logic. All of a sudden, I was that 7 year old again. I was in the same house, the same room where it took place. How was I supposed to sleep now? I might as well stay awake since my nightmares are now reality. Maybe if I pop some pills? Who could I run to? Tonight I am alone..lying on the floor. I'm so fucked up now...

It's not fair to push this on anyone else. Boyfriend already dealing with so much. I hopped in the shower...I just wanted to stay in there forever. My eyes were competing with the faucet, thought I'd drown. But I'm drowning in sorrow and pain right now...alone. I want things to be fine...please somebody tell me that things will be fine. So many thoughts are running through my head...I just want to yell at my brain and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!"

I called...and called...and nobody answered. Maybe that's my answer. I'm just numb.

I'm fucked up. Damaged Goods. I spoil everything. And I can't stop crying...I just want to stop breathing.