Adele

I swear this woman sings what I think about...I LOVE this song.

Death, Ressurection, and Letting Go

Death is a funny thing. I think about it far to often for it to be healthy. But it's hard not to think about death when you have a chronic disease that takes so manY lives. I will admit that through the last 8 years, there have been times where I've given up on life. Life was too hard, the struggles of every day was too much, and loss was too great. Those were times that I was being selfish. Only thinking about a way out for myself. But this time was different...very different. This time I was fighting for life. Trying to keep my life together, trying to be the best employee, trying to impress my dad, I was trying. It seems I was being selfless, only thinking of how I could affect others. I guess I should have paid attention to myself more because this time death was more than a thought in my head; it was a reality.

I don't remember November 24. I remember the morning, going to work, feeling naseous and ill and going home. I remember thinking maybe I just need a nap. I remember the last insulin injection and reading 433 on my glucose meter. And the rest is blank. The memory just fades away like I'm in Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind I don't remember myself leaving my body or the look on my dads face when he found me. I don't remember seeing bright lights or all the lights going on in my house as my dad and stepmom frantically call 911. I don't remember how long I was out or how long the ride to Tulane was. I woke up the next day, realized where I was and felt like I truly had something to be thankful for this Thansgiving.

It wasn't filled with delicious Turkey and stuffing or cheesy baked macaroni. There was no laughter or dancing from tipsy family members. Thanksgiving was in the hospital with sounds of beeping from machines all around me. No alcohol but sodium chloride pumping thhrough my system. Not tipsy but hydrated from the IVs all over. No big extended family gathering but intimate gatherings around me from people who would truly care if I was gone. It wasn't a perfect holiday but it's one of most meaningful.

When something like his happens, it changes you. It's very different knowing that you failed evern though you were trying. It means I have to try harder. It means I have to change my priorities. It means putting my health first and everything after. For so long it's been my career first and then money,relationships, family,etc. My health has always been on the back burner because I guess in way I took for granted the resiliency of the human body. I must become selfish in a way and finally put me first and let everything else come after. I should control the things I can control like my health and let thing I can't control like the economy, the job market, the actions and feelings of others fix themselves.

And because of this new outlook on life, I'm letting everyhing go. I've finally understood why I'm a cynic and carry resentment. It all stems from acts of betrayal in my life. Being violated, my parents divorce, their secret marriages, getting diabetes, hurricane Katrina, my body, being used and taken advantage of, Tj and Jamie saga, being lied to all the time: Betrayal. Betrayal by family, parents, friends, boyfriends, and even God. Carrying all that and never being able to release it made me dwell in it causing more and more resentment. It made me hard. It made me so hard. Most mistook this hardness for strongness when in reality I was living in sorrow. I willnever go back to this. Holding on isn't good for the soul and my eyes have been opened. That week in the hospital I let it all go. All the resentment and sorrow, grief and betrayal, and the hard shell that took 22 years to develop just left my body. A wave of peace filled me instead and now I'm gonna work on loving life despite the everyday struggles. I want to truly be able to call myself a strong woman: a woman who's physically strong with a strong sense of self, a strong work ethic, a strong circle of friends, and a strong determination to be self sustaining.

I'm changing the way I think. I'm changing the way I feel. I'm changing the way I live.

A new pep in my step

So I havent blogged in a while and that's probably because I haven't just been sitting on my ass anymore lol. So I LOVE my job. It motivates me to get up and do something everyday. I never knew how rewarding going to a job you actually like could be. I finally have MONEY! Thank God! It feels so good not to be broke anymore. But I guess the biggest plus from the job is the new friends that I'm making! I was so depressed earlier when I moved back here to find that I had no true friends left to hang out with in New Orleans. But my co-workers are cool as fuck and I'm glad I'm washing away the toxic relationships of the past for the new relationships developing now. So all in all, things are looking up a bit. Still wish I had my own place, still wish I had love, but I'm content with life at the moment.

Why me? Oh lord, why me? FML.

I swear God must love fucking with me. That's the only thing I can think of. There's absolutely no other explanation for the BULL MALARKY. I just can't catch a break can I? So I've been unemployed since oh I dont know, mid August, and I've must have sent out over 50 applications (no joke) for various jobs. Finally, I get a call for a job and get hired on the spot. I had orientation this morning and because of my appearance, resume, and demeanor I was asked to start tonight as well. This is sounding like a good day right?! And then BAM! I'm hit with this situation again and I can only ask "Why the fuck me?" Out of ALL the restaurants in the city, and out of ALL the applications I sent out, the situation would haunt me at the ONE place that called. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So I'm back in this shit again but I refuse to be back in the shit. I will kill with kindness. It will not enter the work place. I will stay professional and courteous when need be but I don't want to be in the nonsense. I wanted my work to offer new relationships and friendships and this dark cloud that seems to FOLLOW ME WHEREVER THE HELL I GO kinda spoils it a little.

I will just stay focused in doing a good job and pray that nothing will come of this. God, WHY do you keep testing me?

Headaches

Last week was so promising. Went on some interviews, went on some auditions and now it's just the waiting game. Waiting for email, phone calls, somebody saying you have an interview...or someone offering me a job!

I had an interview last week with for an entry level position for an office production assistant  for 600/week. The job was for a movie being shot down here til April and by the time it wrapped, if i got the job, I would have made close to 15gs! But I have a hunch they wanted someone with more experience. Damn! I would have done anything for that kind of money...even putting all my acting gigs on hold.  My mom and I decided that if it was God's will, he would call and offer me the job. There's 8 days left until the job starts...we'll see.

Other than that, its just been application after application with my standards getting lower and lower. Student loans start in about 2 weeks and I have til Nov. to make the first payment. This just causes one big migraine after another. Along with other things...

For the love of God, LEAVE ME ALONE.

To whom this may concern:

I don't have to call you out because you know who you are. This has gone on for way too long now. I don't know what else I can possibly do to get away from you. I hold no anger, no resentment, no feelings AT ALL now. I do not talk of you, I do not think about you anymore. I have tried to remove myself from all things associated with this MESS. Yet, I'm continually sought out for some odd reason. Whether it be to invite me to church, to tell me how you've moved on, wishing me the best, etc. --all things I don't care to know. And now after months of no contact, you come on my personal blog that I write for me to try to censor me?! I think not. I have every right to say what I want as a form of freedom of speech, especially when my words harm no one because they are thoughts for myself to read later. Not for anyone else and if you have a problem with that, that sounds like a personal problem to me. If my thoughts or ideas do not agree with yours and are causing you grief or animosity is someway, here's a simple solution: don't read my blog. Wow, it's that simple. I asked to be left alone so if you read this blog, you read at your own risk and I really don't want to hear whining about it. I don't dictate how people should think or live their lives so I don't expect  you to try to dictate mine.

This long drawn out saga really needs to end. Prove to me that you've truly grown up and let's settle this like adults now. No more contact.

Relief :)

So things have basically been the same...still no job, still bickering with Dad, still stuck at home. Yet something is different. I feel this strange sort of relief. Big things are happening as far as my acting career...got an audition tomorrow for a certain vampire movie that I won't say (hehe) and I have to speak Portuguese! Haha! It would be an honor just to get a call back for this film but the odds are against me. Though I have my fingers crossed that even if I don't get the part, I can make some connections out it. Got another audition on Wednesday in Baton Rouge and I have a potential hookup with a movie with Tracy Morgan, but thats still in preproduction. So that part of life is looking up.

I might sound like a bitch for this, but the reason for relief is because something that has caused me many headaches for the past couple years seems to have finally left me...the resentment I mean. Just the mere fact of knowing that the outcome was probably the best thing for my life is a relief. I just keep thinking about what could have happened and where I would have ended up and I literally shiver. I should have never settled and I'm soooooooo glad it didn't happen. Just wasn't the life for me. If I learned one thing from living with my dad, it's that I am no simpleton. And I can't live a simpleton's life. I reach for higher things, not laying around getting high. *Side note* I can't wait to make that song with you Troy-Peter Pan in the works baby! Anyways, so I'm glad I still have my "dignity" untouched and congrats to the one who can keep up with me and whos in love with my beauty AND brains.

And I'm gonna stop apologizing for being pretty. Blame my parents. :)