Honesty

I never thought that my life would be full of dishonest people. I'm not talking about about petty things like being fake or talking behind someones back. Those things I can stomach, just shake em lose and on to the next one. But the dishonesty I'm talking about is the one that consumes individuals that you deeply care about like your parents, your siblings, your significant others, your kids,etc: the kind of dishonesty that would cause one of your loved ones to lie directly to your face and feel no remorse, the kind that would cause someone to cheat and be unfaithful not caring what disease they may give you from this act. This year has been a doosey. It's unfortunate that things have finally come to light for me and now I understand why I've always been a cynic.

I've been too reckless these past 22 years with my heart. My love for humanity is great, more than anyone cares to realize. I hate to see anyone suffer because I know what it's like to suffer. I was bullied as a child so as a high schooler, I literally had a nervous breakdown because people in my class were being bullied and I tried to stand up for them and in return became the target for attacks. But now considering the disloyalty and dishonesty I've experienced in my college years, the bullies in high school feel like small fry.

I'm only writing this blog because I can't sleep as all the lies start to unravel and I put the memories of things said and memories of certain behaviors ,that I thought were locked in the file cabinet labeled number 4 in my brain, together. I guess you can call this my eureka moment or my "ah ha!" moment. And honestly, I'm not angry at all. I'm hurt and disappointed.

You can't know what it feels like to put your trust and your whole heart in someone and have them betray that trust. It literally causes physical pain. No one wants to know that the mother or father that gave them life would look you in the eye and lie to you. No one wants to know that the person you say I love you to is saying I love you to someone else. No one wants to know that the person you're supposed to marry is having an affair with someone else. no one wants to know that the person they've cherished for almost 3 years suddenly never wants to speak to you ever again and refuses to tell you why. I'm sad. I'm sad for humanity. I'm not saying I'm perfect. And I'm not saying that I've never told a lie in all my 22 years of life because I'm human but that's the sad part. We're human and through adaptation we've learned to tell lies to get what we want, maybe indirectly, but it's to fufill some want or need. If there's one thing I know about myself is that I'm a pretty honest person, almost to a fault sometimes. And I'm disappointed in myself because I expected everyone that came into my life to be as honest as I was, which was cleary not the case.

After the THanksgiving hospital visit, I wrote about my hard outer shell melting away. And now after having all these lies come to light for me, I'm actually very frightened because my armour that was supposed to protect me is gone and I'm vulnerable to being destroyed again by any person I encounter. I don't want to be this hard cynic but how can I continue showing the soft caring Dominique being exposed 24/7 for people to take advantage of my kindness and my love for humanity. I feel like crying a sea of tears and never leaving my bedroom. I want to lock the doors and never come out. Please give me the strength to be strong. When people all around you have secret agendas, who can u really trust but yourself. You think you know someone but in reality the only person you really know is yourself. I had to learn that blood means nothing. I had to learn that time doesn't matter.Kids don't matter, how many times doesn't matter, sex doesn't matter, a ring doesn't matter, WORDS don't matter. Because at the end of the day, people lie.

So I will ly in my bed in my locked room and cry for the human race as my sorrow-filled heart beats me to sleep.