If I die before I wake...

I thought last night I was going to die. Seriously. I had lost all feeling in my extremities and my heart beat had slowed to like a light thump last night. I couldn't think straight and everything started to go to a fuzzy grey. I was in bed of course trying to sleep but I thought it might be my last slumber. I didn't die obviously but the thing that is most eerie to me is last night I managed to jot something down on paper...a farewell if you will. 

This morning I barely remember doing it and it reads like chicken scratch. Not to mention the contents of the note aren't very deep. I have to wonder, did I care that it might be my last night? From the note, it doesn't seem like it. But to die in your sleep is a luxury most are not able to receive. Most people die horrific deaths or are in agony in their final moments. I think last night I had a sense of...dare I say, peace. Finally, no more pain. No more thirst or shots or stress, worrying about money, being fucked over by men, having my heart broken over and over again. No more doctors, no more edema, no more diabetes, no more physical pain. It was almost like all the weight of the world had been lifted for those 15 minutes of sheer cold. The boulder had been removed and my body was shutting down saying, "Thanks, but I've had enough." And I can't even be mad at it. It's gone through so much. How many shocks can a body take to the system and still be ok? This is truly a test of mans resiliency. I think I'm really starting to believe in the power of the body to heal and repair itself. I was sure that I would be dead by 20. I kept telling myself I'm going to keel over at the age of 30, or have some horrific complication that''s gonna make me want to end it. I guess I'm slowly losing track of goals to reach, things to strive for. And am just kind of floating along now...not really caring where I float to.