I'm blaring Everyone's At It by Lily Allen remix by Doctor RosenRosen. You should DEFINITELY cop the free album off his site. He's remixed Lily Allen's entire album...It's called It's Not Me, It's DoctorRosenRosen.
Every once in awhile I go through these bouts of depression. I guess you could say it's hereditary. I'm sure of it, or else why is my mom popping antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills like they're candy?All my life I've been trying to please this woman, point out all her flaws, and tell her how I feel she's ruined my life and now I have become her: A single women waiting for prince charming to come and pick her from the wreckage that is her life. I digress.
Maybe this loneliness has been brought by the fact that I have no friends...not real ones. I mean, girls that I went to school with are starting to get married. And as I thought about it, I realized I would have no bridesmaids. Does family count? Even use my birthday for example. It was hard to come up with people to invite. I'm sorry if this is offending anyone. I mean it's not like any of you are reading this, but if one of you so happen to stumble across this and reads this, sorry. Fuck.
Lately I've felt some creepy spider woman with prey just accidentally stumbling into my web. Maybe a vampire analogy would be better. It's as if I'm glamouring people 24/7 unintentionally. Then I get "You're a pretty girl, you should have no problem finding a boyfriend." Yeah I have no problem unintentionally becoming a homewrecker (twice now) or leading guys on. I'm just naturally more of a fellas girl...maybe because I'm so brassy and blunt with what I say. It doesn't mean I have a secret agenda with my guys. I believe in chemistry first...without it, there's nothing. I'm rambling now...
Point is there is two very large bottles of Vodka in my freezer that I want to drink myself into a drunk stuppor or maybe I'll pop some of mommy's happy pills...I'm tired of fucking analyzing myself ...I don't want to be in my head anymore! I feel like I'm driving with no brakes, just avoiding crashes. Had an episode last night...I could just stared at the clock and hypervenalated til I passed out. Mom would have thought I was sleeping and went to work. Things would have carried on as usual. And I could have stopped the car...I failed and pulled the 300ml of insulin through the syringe, stuck the needle in my skin and sat there gasping air as I stare at the clock. Another failed attempt...You'd think after 7 years I would get it right. I keep a smile on my face as my eyes water at my secret I try to hide. I tured 21 last month...a year older, a year closer to death.
Ha, don't even have the energy to be creative or poetic with this one.
It is what it is. Take what you will
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
A little wiser...
Well I tried to post my video but blogger was taking too long so I got impatient and just decided to write this one.
I've realized that most distress in my life comes from the fact that I can't say no. Like as if I'm afraid of disappointing, I can't say no, which probably makes me so indecisive. In fact, I'm very opinionated and know exactly what I want, it's just that I have a problem saying it. That's why I get myself in situations I don't want to be in and relationships that I don't want to have. So in an attempt to change my life, I'm gonna start saying no more often to things that I don't want in life. Goodbye to friendships not worth salvaging, No to guys I don't wanna be involved with...and No to "things" I don't want to do lol
This change of heart could come from the fact that I'm turning 21 in a few days and just feel like I'm too old for some of the shit I put up with. I deserve to be happy, I deserve loyal friends, I deserve a break. I've gone through a lot in my life that fortunate people just won't understand. Maybe that makes me the cynical person I am. But if you know anything about me, then you should understand why I make some of the decisions I make.
Recently, Someone told me that she thought it it saddened her when she saw how much I depend on romance...I think it's time for me just to speak for the sake of clearing some things up. It's not that I depend on romance. It's that I long for unconditional love like everyone else. It's a longing for a companionship that I crave...the physical comes later. I grew up in a broken home with complications. I don't know what stability is...It's hard for someone who grew up with a model relationship played out in front of them with the marriage of their parents to understand this. Understand this about me: I have done everything right in my life through many hardships that most will not have to deal with. You may think whatever you want about me and the decisions I make, but I'm done with the regret. I do feel that I am a good person and no longer will I let the words or feelings of other people bring me down (Thanks Andy :)) I also refuse to settle with any old guy for a few kind words. I'm gonna require a little more than that because I'm worth more than just being nice to me (Thanks again Andy lol)
I guess what I'm saying is another year older, another year wiser. Still working on the autobiography lol
I've realized that most distress in my life comes from the fact that I can't say no. Like as if I'm afraid of disappointing, I can't say no, which probably makes me so indecisive. In fact, I'm very opinionated and know exactly what I want, it's just that I have a problem saying it. That's why I get myself in situations I don't want to be in and relationships that I don't want to have. So in an attempt to change my life, I'm gonna start saying no more often to things that I don't want in life. Goodbye to friendships not worth salvaging, No to guys I don't wanna be involved with...and No to "things" I don't want to do lol
This change of heart could come from the fact that I'm turning 21 in a few days and just feel like I'm too old for some of the shit I put up with. I deserve to be happy, I deserve loyal friends, I deserve a break. I've gone through a lot in my life that fortunate people just won't understand. Maybe that makes me the cynical person I am. But if you know anything about me, then you should understand why I make some of the decisions I make.
Recently, Someone told me that she thought it it saddened her when she saw how much I depend on romance...I think it's time for me just to speak for the sake of clearing some things up. It's not that I depend on romance. It's that I long for unconditional love like everyone else. It's a longing for a companionship that I crave...the physical comes later. I grew up in a broken home with complications. I don't know what stability is...It's hard for someone who grew up with a model relationship played out in front of them with the marriage of their parents to understand this. Understand this about me: I have done everything right in my life through many hardships that most will not have to deal with. You may think whatever you want about me and the decisions I make, but I'm done with the regret. I do feel that I am a good person and no longer will I let the words or feelings of other people bring me down (Thanks Andy :)) I also refuse to settle with any old guy for a few kind words. I'm gonna require a little more than that because I'm worth more than just being nice to me (Thanks again Andy lol)
I guess what I'm saying is another year older, another year wiser. Still working on the autobiography lol
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
The End
Ugh it's 6 am so if I'm writing a blog, clearly there's a point. Well let me start with saying R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.
All this time that I've had my fingers crossed, I'm done wishing and hoping. "If it was supposed to happen, it would have happened already" and even if I don't agree with the reasoning, that's a situation that's not meant for me to tackle. I can only deal with what's right in front of me. And when your love is being described as "wrong," or somehow made to feel dirty and tarnished, it's time to leave. So regardless of the final resolution, I'm pulling myself out. If I have to be referred to in your mind as "the one that got away," I can live with that. But I will not be used as a cause for nightmares and "signs" from God and all that. I'm not religious but I know that I'm not wicked or "wrong." And if that's what I make you think of, well then I can't live with that.
I want a love that would put u in a car and drive to me. I want a love that will make you do crazy spontaneous things. That's what I WANT. That's what I GIVE. I want a love so deep that everytime we look at each other, we see fireworks in each other's eyes. I wanna cry and BATTLE for you. I want to fight for you and I would happily if I knew you would do the same. Love is Bravery. You can't be a coward, can't be worried about what friends you would lose, who would be upset. Cause you would know that none of that stuff would ever matter if you had the one you loved by your side to make up for the friends you would lose in battle, be there to take on the brunt of angry emotion from whoever felt wronged. It's like the Musiq Soulchild song, "It's just you and me against the world." But if someone isn't in it all the way, I guess these simple "lover's demands" could seem overwhelming.
And that's why I'm stepping down. Will there be sacrafices? You bet. Will there be some awkward moments? Guarenteed. If I have to tell little white lies to keep the peace, I will. Cause that's what you do when you don't get your happiness. You let it go for someone else to have it. And like a soldier, I will keep on. Diabetes, Katrina, Financial Matters...we can just tag Love onto the end of the list. The boulder gets bigger, but I'll keep pushing it up that damn hill until one day another set of hands will come and either push with me or be so strong it just throws that fucking boulder off the hill (wouldnt that be nice? :) especially if he was a prince) But until then, love its knocks you down....you get back up and it knocks you down again. So this was round 12. I put up a good fight but I've been knocked out. Time to train my heart to go through it again with a new opponent. I might be training for a while though.
And here's another ending to another raw entry.Take what you will.
All this time that I've had my fingers crossed, I'm done wishing and hoping. "If it was supposed to happen, it would have happened already" and even if I don't agree with the reasoning, that's a situation that's not meant for me to tackle. I can only deal with what's right in front of me. And when your love is being described as "wrong," or somehow made to feel dirty and tarnished, it's time to leave. So regardless of the final resolution, I'm pulling myself out. If I have to be referred to in your mind as "the one that got away," I can live with that. But I will not be used as a cause for nightmares and "signs" from God and all that. I'm not religious but I know that I'm not wicked or "wrong." And if that's what I make you think of, well then I can't live with that.
I want a love that would put u in a car and drive to me. I want a love that will make you do crazy spontaneous things. That's what I WANT. That's what I GIVE. I want a love so deep that everytime we look at each other, we see fireworks in each other's eyes. I wanna cry and BATTLE for you. I want to fight for you and I would happily if I knew you would do the same. Love is Bravery. You can't be a coward, can't be worried about what friends you would lose, who would be upset. Cause you would know that none of that stuff would ever matter if you had the one you loved by your side to make up for the friends you would lose in battle, be there to take on the brunt of angry emotion from whoever felt wronged. It's like the Musiq Soulchild song, "It's just you and me against the world." But if someone isn't in it all the way, I guess these simple "lover's demands" could seem overwhelming.
And that's why I'm stepping down. Will there be sacrafices? You bet. Will there be some awkward moments? Guarenteed. If I have to tell little white lies to keep the peace, I will. Cause that's what you do when you don't get your happiness. You let it go for someone else to have it. And like a soldier, I will keep on. Diabetes, Katrina, Financial Matters...we can just tag Love onto the end of the list. The boulder gets bigger, but I'll keep pushing it up that damn hill until one day another set of hands will come and either push with me or be so strong it just throws that fucking boulder off the hill (wouldnt that be nice? :) especially if he was a prince) But until then, love its knocks you down....you get back up and it knocks you down again. So this was round 12. I put up a good fight but I've been knocked out. Time to train my heart to go through it again with a new opponent. I might be training for a while though.
And here's another ending to another raw entry.Take what you will.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Numb
Smoking a cig...I have no words to express myself properly so I'll let the words of Diana Krall express it for me...
Was there something more I could have done?
Or was I not meant to be the one?
Where's the life I thought we would share?
And should I care?
And will someone else get more of you?
Will she go to sleep more sure of you?
Will she wake up knowing youre still there?
Why should I care?
Theres always one to turn and walk away
And one who just wants to stay
But who said love is always fair
And why should I care?
Should I leave you alone here in the dark
Holding my broken heart
While the promise still hangs in the air
And why should I care?
pretty down on myself right now...like i said, there are just no words i can say. living up to my blog title. im just defeated. its outta my hands now...
Was there something more I could have done?
Or was I not meant to be the one?
Where's the life I thought we would share?
And should I care?
And will someone else get more of you?
Will she go to sleep more sure of you?
Will she wake up knowing youre still there?
Why should I care?
Theres always one to turn and walk away
And one who just wants to stay
But who said love is always fair
And why should I care?
Should I leave you alone here in the dark
Holding my broken heart
While the promise still hangs in the air
And why should I care?
pretty down on myself right now...like i said, there are just no words i can say. living up to my blog title. im just defeated. its outta my hands now...
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Country livin...
Wow so this "vacation" is harder than i thought. Its been one week and I'm literally about to pull my hair out. My neighbors are cows and chickens (i can feed them from the fence) and the house is the last one on a dirt road...dead end. Theres no internet so this post is gonna cause an arm and a leg from at&t but im willing to pay it cause im THAT bored.
I started the twilight series..OMG im in love with the books...I want a vampire boyfriend! lol Ive been reading alot over here which is a rareity within itself cause i hate to read lol
Im really lonely out here caue theres no one here my age. Plus no one calls or txts me except for ashton (thanks) so its like ive fallen off the face of the earth. i wanted to get away to have peace but i feel like i got more than i bargained for. So if anyone is reading this and wants to put me out of my misery, please call or txt..it'd be greatly appreciated!
dont know when the next time ill be able to update...bloggin on a cell is hard lol supposed to be swimming tomorrow and ridin the AVs on friday (hell yeah!) ill take pictures haha... Missin my "Edward" *sighs* oh well, back to reading ECLIPSE.
I started the twilight series..OMG im in love with the books...I want a vampire boyfriend! lol Ive been reading alot over here which is a rareity within itself cause i hate to read lol
Im really lonely out here caue theres no one here my age. Plus no one calls or txts me except for ashton (thanks) so its like ive fallen off the face of the earth. i wanted to get away to have peace but i feel like i got more than i bargained for. So if anyone is reading this and wants to put me out of my misery, please call or txt..it'd be greatly appreciated!
dont know when the next time ill be able to update...bloggin on a cell is hard lol supposed to be swimming tomorrow and ridin the AVs on friday (hell yeah!) ill take pictures haha... Missin my "Edward" *sighs* oh well, back to reading ECLIPSE.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Departure
So this is it..My last blog before I go to country land. Tomorrow I will be on the road for 20 HOURS! I don't know if I plan on sleeping tonight cause if I just stay awake I can sleep for a long time in the car. Plus I'm traveling with a 5 year old next to me so that's gonna be an issue within itself.
This weekend was quite a weekend. Earl came into town with the fam for the weekend. I dyed my hair pretty dark but I like it. Candice's Wedding was yesterday and it was pretty fun. No drama with the family and everyone got along...(I think the liquor had something to do with that lol) And after the wedding I tried to race home to change to get to Ashton's bday party until my car started smoking cause my moms brake pads were completely deteriorated. Anyways, I made it to the party and it was really fun. And then we ended up at IHOP in which I was engaged in a 2 hour conversation about men and women and relationships...pretty insightful stuff was said given certain situations.
So I've also decided to document my month in New Mexico since I'll probably have nothing else to do. I'm not even sure if they have internet where I'm going...the nearest store is 2 miles from their house. I'm also trying to lose a significant amount of weight so I'm gonna document that as well (those blogs will probably be very angry seein how I'll probably be cranky with no food lol). I will however have my phone so txt messages will have to be my saving grace. Well here goes nothing. See all you NOLA peeps in July!
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