Well I'm finally out of the hospital. I guess I mean, I don't really know what to say actually. Funny that I'm writing a blog and can't find the right words to explain myself. So I'm not going to explain myself and just leave it as what it is.
I'm hoping that the pills will help my anxiety. And as for the other stuff, I hope talking will help.
I'm constantly climbing uphill but I got to drop off a little baggage...I finally had the courage to be honest with my parents about what was going on, but most importantly, I was finally honest with myself. I wanna be optimistic but I've let myself down so many times before. It scares me but I'm gonna try my hardest this time, because I don't want any more "next times" because who knows how much time I'll actually have if I continue on the path I'm on.
I guess all I can ask is of myself is to not give up. But like I've said before, it's hard to motivate yourself when you're by yourself.
Last night I didn't get much sleep. For some reason I didn't want to sleep. Usually I don't have this problem because I'm an insomniac and don't have a decision in the matter of not sleeping. But last night was different. I was tired but I made the decision to stay up. After reaching 7 am however, I was defeated and crawled in bed. I wish I hadn't. I dreamt that I was trying to off myself. It was only a two hour sleep before my alarm went off to start on yet another day in life.
Still had a lack of energy. Still was a walking zombie. However there was short sparks of light today. I learned that I was missed. This semester I hadn't be doing any other than taking class. No Rock Hard, no ALS, no Spit That...I guess you can say I've been ghost on campus. Well I went to the pub today to eat lunch and was surprised to find that people had actually noticed that I haven't been around. And just now right before I wrote this blog, my roommate just informed me that people were asking for me yet again. This brings a quiet smile to my face. It's the little things like that that make you feel like you have a purpose. Maybe if I left this world tomorrow, some people would notice.
They don't know it, but those people who asked for me today might have made the difference between me downing a bottle and waking up tomorrow. Which further makes me wonder:
Today I had an anxiety attack. A bad directing class triggered it and when thinking about the actual event that took place, it's not that monumental of an event. But because of the week I've been having...the year i've been havingthe LIFE I'VE BEEN HAVING, I guess it all just came to the surface today. Now I'm being sucked down this horrible dark spiral that I can't get out off. I stared at a bottle of pills for quite a while tonight. That's when the what ifs started playing in my head, which is never a good sign..
what if i take 10 pills?
what if i down the bottle?
how long would it take for someone to come find me?
It doesn't take a genius to know that once you start asking yourself those type of questions, something's wrong. I called the counseling center here...ha what a fucking joke that is. All appointments are booked until after break and they don't take walk-ins unless you have a fucking knife to your veins. Is that what it's gonna take? Me crumbling to the point where I want to be no more? Perhaps. I'm reaching out for someone's hand to pull me out of this spiral but I keep slipping through their fingers. So now I'm here. My only friend. My computer. And the really funny and ironic thing is I'm still only talking to myself.
I survived today...but just barely. Let's see how I do tomorrow.
Yes, I am back to blogger. I tried my own blog site for a while but I realized I got too wrapped up in the design aspect of the site that I forgot to actually blog. So I'm back.
This time I'm not gonna get stuck in gloomy holes, nor am I gonna write about rainbows and sunshine. I'm just gonna write about what is. Where I am in the present at this time.
Currently, I'm super stressed trying to figure out how to support myself once I graduate. I guess I'm trying to answer the question that "adults" have been asking me for years about my Acting degree. I'm writing down ideas but then again they're just ideas, nothing solid. I know that I will be moving back home to New Orleans before the final move to California...but once again I'm not in any rush considering I'm broke. So if any of you have any suggestions about what I should do, I'm all ears.
And if anyone wants to be my friend again, that would be great too.
So I've decided that it's time to leave blogspot. This blog kinda represents everything I'm trying to repell. Topics were too dark, blog was too dark, just a bad energy. I got my own site now that I will be blogging on so periodically you should check out my blog at http://nikkilegaux.tk -- Trying to focus on the positive things in life. Check it out if you're interested.
I'm blaring Everyone's At It by Lily Allen remix by Doctor RosenRosen. You should DEFINITELY cop the free album off his site. He's remixed Lily Allen's entire album...It's called It's Not Me, It's DoctorRosenRosen.
Every once in awhile I go through these bouts of depression. I guess you could say it's hereditary. I'm sure of it, or else why is my mom popping antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills like they're candy?All my life I've been trying to please this woman, point out all her flaws, and tell her how I feel she's ruined my life and now I have become her: A single women waiting for prince charming to come and pick her from the wreckage that is her life. I digress.
Maybe this loneliness has been brought by the fact that I have no friends...not real ones. I mean, girls that I went to school with are starting to get married. And as I thought about it, I realized I would have no bridesmaids. Does family count? Even use my birthday for example. It was hard to come up with people to invite. I'm sorry if this is offending anyone. I mean it's not like any of you are reading this, but if one of you so happen to stumble across this and reads this, sorry. Fuck.
Lately I've felt some creepy spider woman with prey just accidentally stumbling into my web. Maybe a vampire analogy would be better. It's as if I'm glamouring people 24/7 unintentionally. Then I get "You're a pretty girl, you should have no problem finding a boyfriend." Yeah I have no problem unintentionally becoming a homewrecker (twice now) or leading guys on. I'm just naturally more of a fellas girl...maybe because I'm so brassy and blunt with what I say. It doesn't mean I have a secret agenda with my guys. I believe in chemistry first...without it, there's nothing. I'm rambling now...
Point is there is two very large bottles of Vodka in my freezer that I want to drink myself into a drunk stuppor or maybe I'll pop some of mommy's happy pills...I'm tired of fucking analyzing myself ...I don't want to be in my head anymore! I feel like I'm driving with no brakes, just avoiding crashes. Had an episode last night...I could just stared at the clock and hypervenalated til I passed out. Mom would have thought I was sleeping and went to work. Things would have carried on as usual. And I could have stopped the car...I failed and pulled the 300ml of insulin through the syringe, stuck the needle in my skin and sat there gasping air as I stare at the clock. Another failed attempt...You'd think after 7 years I would get it right. I keep a smile on my face as my eyes water at my secret I try to hide. I tured 21 last month...a year older, a year closer to death.
Ha, don't even have the energy to be creative or poetic with this one.
Well I tried to post my video but blogger was taking too long so I got impatient and just decided to write this one.
I've realized that most distress in my life comes from the fact that I can't say no. Like as if I'm afraid of disappointing, I can't say no, which probably makes me so indecisive. In fact, I'm very opinionated and know exactly what I want, it's just that I have a problem saying it. That's why I get myself in situations I don't want to be in and relationships that I don't want to have. So in an attempt to change my life, I'm gonna start saying no more often to things that I don't want in life. Goodbye to friendships not worth salvaging, No to guys I don't wanna be involved with...and No to "things" I don't want to do lol
This change of heart could come from the fact that I'm turning 21 in a few days and just feel like I'm too old for some of the shit I put up with. I deserve to be happy, I deserve loyal friends, I deserve a break. I've gone through a lot in my life that fortunate people just won't understand. Maybe that makes me the cynical person I am. But if you know anything about me, then you should understand why I make some of the decisions I make.
Recently, Someone told me that she thought it it saddened her when she saw how much I depend on romance...I think it's time for me just to speak for the sake of clearing some things up. It's not that I depend on romance. It's that I long for unconditional love like everyone else. It's a longing for a companionship that I crave...the physical comes later. I grew up in a broken home with complications. I don't know what stability is...It's hard for someone who grew up with a model relationship played out in front of them with the marriage of their parents to understand this. Understand this about me: I have done everything right in my life through many hardships that most will not have to deal with. You may think whatever you want about me and the decisions I make, but I'm done with the regret. I do feel that I am a good person and no longer will I let the words or feelings of other people bring me down (Thanks Andy :)) I also refuse to settle with any old guy for a few kind words. I'm gonna require a little more than that because I'm worth more than just being nice to me (Thanks again Andy lol)
I guess what I'm saying is another year older, another year wiser. Still working on the autobiography lol
