eh

I've never felt so ugly or alone...

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder

I'm not going to write about metaphors or anything clever. I just want to speak very candidly. All my life I've been told that I was pretty. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn, it's just the truth. Mostly I've been told that I have a very pretty face. There was one point in my life that I had that typically "hot body" but that was way back then. Then I got diabetes. I never knew what it would do to me mentally when I was first diagnosed. I've never talked about this before but I can't stop crying and I feel like I need to or I'm not gonna make it...literally. Diabetes did all kinda funky things to my body including slowing down my metabolism. I began to develop a pudge in my stomach. I was a musical theatre major and required to wear leotards everyday for class. The kids at school scrutinize your body. I had a nervous breakdown in highschool. I had to leave for two weeks and be in hardcore therapy with my parents. I wasn't suicidal then....yet. Then Katrina happened and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years at the time called it quits with me. This DESTROYED ME. I really thought that we were gonna be together forever. He still doesn't talk to me. I think about him ALL the time even though I pretend I don't. I lie to myself. I was so happy when I was with him. He showed me the definition of unconditional love and I haven't found that since he left. By then I had already developed my eating disorder...which I still have. I went into depression and denial and told myself fuck life...The same motto I have now. I stopped taking my medicine..on purpose. Less insulin I took, the skinner I got because I'd lose all the water weight by dehydrating myself to death literally. Something that I still do now. Most of the time I feel like I have a death wish. In my hearts of hearts I know I won't make it to 30. Most of the time I don't want to.

My freshman year and sophomore year is when I lost my mind. I became an alcoholic and slept with any guy willing to stay with me for the night out of sheer loneliness. I tried to jump out my window after a party. I lived on the 13th floor of a tower. Wouldn't that have been perfect? Suicide on the 13th floor. If anyone would get to live on a floor for bad luck, it would be me right? I remember all my friends restraining me to the bed for hours. I remember them finding the will I wrote and signed in my drawer. I was ready then. Sophomore year is when my body started deteriorating. I keep getting infections everyday that I have to tend to. No STDs, just my own body being attacked by bacteria. These are the gross details I leave out for people. Every night I deal with these infections. Have to check for new sores. It's painful. It's annoying. It's time consuming, and it was my own little secret. Its hard to be intimate with someone when you have to do a body check everyday. And if you do have something unpleasant, you make up excuses. Always considerate of the other person. I'm not a healthy person so things are sacraficed...my visions hazy because I don't take enough insulin. My hair falls out in chunks and I'm thinning partly to do with heredity and partly to do with not being healthy. I eat alot! I drink lots of water! People think I have a healthy appetite and that I'm being healthy by drinking water. I like to let them believe what they want. I eat alot because it's an compulsion. I'm so sick and my blood sugar is so high that my body is literally addicted to food. I drink over 4-5 gallons a day because otherwise I'd die literally. I live in a state of dehydration. It's why I have a hard time doing any physical activity anymore because my muscles are starving for water.

I'm in a business where looks are everything. Fuck your talent if you're not good looking. It's hard to say, I'm gonna lose weight the healthy way. God knows I want to. They problem is, that would require me to take the right amount of insulin. Once I start eating right, the urinating stops, the water weight stays on, and all the pounds that I've accumulated from eating so much that you don't see due to the lack of water weight, becomes apparent and now I'm 25 pounds heavier. Not good when your supposed to be a twig.

These are just part of the daily routine that is my life. Not to mention all the other stresses that just comes with college life and being in your twenties in general that everyone else has to face. So when someone tells me I'm a "beautiful creature," I want to laugh in their face because they don't know the pain I deal with every day to be "pretty."

I consider myself to be a really down to earth person. To go through the shit I've gone through on a daily basis, you have to be. This is why I don't believe in the power of prayer...sometimes I think people are just lazy and wish something will take care of their troubles for them instead of just dealing with them. I'm a very intelligent talented person who has to deal with a lot of stupid immature people everyday. I mean everyday. But the funny thing is, I'll cater to the stupid and immature and the delusionals and the crazies all to find my happiness and find some enjoyment here while I'm still here, which is, phew, god knows how long. Ha, here I was actually planning a wedding when planning a funeral, your own funeral, is so much better. Even if it is to give the finger and a big "FUCK YOU" to everyone who's ever hurt me....My parents, my family, my friends, all the guys who'd use me a leave me (physically, emotionally, and mentally), and the almighty GOD of course. Yea, all the Christians gasp in unison now and pray for me, cause I know you will...

It's sad because honestly, all I ever wanted to do was share my talents and love with the world and be loved unconditionally.

Instead I will continue the countdown of being "beautiful" while slowly killing myself all so someone else can make you all happy.

Be Complaisant not Complacent.

I'm convinced that complacency is the killer of all relationships. If you look at the divorce rate in America, you gotta wonder why it all went downhill. In the beginnings of relationships/marriages, there's always that infatuation stage or the "newlywed" stage where each partner is complaisant (willing to please) and everything is mushy gushy and that's where the pet names come in and the non stop cooing in each other's faces. Slowly over time each partner becomes somewhat complacent, thinking that they've done enough to secure their partner in the relationship. The cooing stops, the pet names drop, and "i love you" because less meaningful and more like a salutation. Next thing you know bickering starts happening because you each try to tell the other that they've become complacent, which is just a fight pleading for the other to show more affection. But in an effort not to fight, you learn to settle. This is where the death of the relationship starts to happenBecause now you just learn to tolerate each other for the sake of the marriage/dog/children, whatever. And once you've hit that point, you might as well pull out the divorce papers because it's not gonna get any better. Resentments have already start to build at this point and there's pretty much nothing you can do (though there are always exceptions to the rules like couples who go through intense therapy).

I'm trying really hard not to become complacent, and stay complaisant. It's so hard to do this long distance. There's only 34 more days left until I'm home but things have gotten so rocky lately, I feel like I'm losing my grip on things. Things have been geared towards the future for so long that I feel like we're not focusing on the present. And if we lose the present, there will be no future. I feel lost and helpless at this point. I want my love back. We've been through so much to become complacent. He needs to know that everyday he brings sunshine to my life. He needs to know that he's the best part of my day. He needs to know that I love him with every fiber of my being. He needs to hear these things from me everyday. I know I'm not one for expressing my emotions very well, but I will do whatever it takes to keep him around. I encourage every one that has a significant other, to embrace the small things in life that makes your partner happy, whether that be flowers, a note left on the dresser before work, a txt message, a kiss on the forehead, etc. Be complaisant not Complacent.

-D.

Back.

Hello world. I'm back.

I had to take a brief hiatus because the last blog I wrote wasn't me...It was one of the meanest things I've ever written so I pulled it and re-evaluated my reaction; no one should ever have that much power to change me like that.

But that chapter is OVER. Thank god.

So where am I you may ask as far as frame of mind? I'm good. I'm just chillin or coasting right now. I'm doing me and living my life. I've done everything I wanted to accomplish so far in life; I've followed the plan I made for myself when I was younger and now its almost time to write the new plan. Graduation is in May...I managed to stay focus and get college done in 4 years where a lot of my friends still have another year or two. Time for the real world, which is both exciting and daunting to me, but like a trouper I will press on. I'm ready for the next stage in my life. Moving back to New Orleans will be an experience. I'm worried about getting trapped there. If I could, I would move straight to California...I just don't have the means right now so New Orleans is the destination for a little while. I have to keep telling myself that it's only temporary. *Sighs* So many things have changed now that I feel torn about my decisions because it affects other people now. I have to decide to either stick to my plan and be selfish or try to alter my plan to the detriment of my initial promises and goals...There's just so much stuff that's up in the air and I don't like it because I like to have things planned out. I guess I can't control everything in life. So for now, I will just coast til I have to make a turn and decide when I get to the fork in the road.

The other side of life :)

I never get to make it to this side very often. It's territory that I'm mostly unfamiliar with. I usually tread with caution but this time I'm throwing caution to the wind. This time it's different. This time I have a guide to depend on and to keep me safe. It's like I'm seeing the world for the first time. And I owe it all to my love. Love transcends all boundaries an takes you to different heights, different dimensions, different states of being. He doesn't know it yet, but he's the definition of love to me. What can you do when words just aren't enough? How can you get across a feeling that is beyond all earthly definitions?

I can't believe it's almost a month already. Time just seems to cease to exist since I've been with TJ. A lot of my blogs have been focused on trying to find "my happy." I truly believe that I've finally found it in him. Yes, things have been rocky but we've gotten through it together.

Who knows where this will lead...but I'm ready to go the distance with his hand in mine. My heart has finally been released. I love you Terence.

The L Word

Ahh :) It's been so nice lately...finally being able to be happy. I thought that we would never make it to this point, through all the adversity we had to face just to BE together. And now that we are, I'm gonna do everything I can to hold on to Love. Because I'm convinced that's what it is...Love. It was love that got us through the distance, through the threats, through the fears...And it's going to be Love that gets us through the next 5 months. It's been a world wind since Bella met Edward but she still stuck with him through it all. They've entered a new phase and Bella is exciting about what's to come. She knows that Edward sometimes worries about the world that he's opened Bella's eyes too...dangerous situations with new monsters to deal with. But Bella isn't going anywhere.

I went to Lake Charles to meet the parentals and all important brother...I was welcomed with open arms :) It went so well and they genuinely seem to like me, which is important if im trying to become part of the fam. It's all finally falling into place :)

A word to the wise: Life and Love are about risks. You will never know how great a reward finding love is if u never got for it or are not willing to make sacrifices. Live your life for yourself or it will be you who will miss out. We made many sacrifices for our love...but in the end, we are happy and that's all that matters.

Relapse

I don't know the last time I cried so much.

Today I got a visit from someone in my past out of the blue that triggered off a chain of events tonight that wasn't pretty. I can't express how deeply this visit played with my head...it was like seeing the demon man from your dreams open your front door. Things that I have supressed since I was 7 all came rushing back at once over taking any type of logic. All of a sudden, I was that 7 year old again. I was in the same house, the same room where it took place. How was I supposed to sleep now? I might as well stay awake since my nightmares are now reality. Maybe if I pop some pills? Who could I run to? Tonight I am alone..lying on the floor. I'm so fucked up now...

It's not fair to push this on anyone else. Boyfriend already dealing with so much. I hopped in the shower...I just wanted to stay in there forever. My eyes were competing with the faucet, thought I'd drown. But I'm drowning in sorrow and pain right now...alone. I want things to be fine...please somebody tell me that things will be fine. So many thoughts are running through my head...I just want to yell at my brain and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!"

I called...and called...and nobody answered. Maybe that's my answer. I'm just numb.

I'm fucked up. Damaged Goods. I spoil everything. And I can't stop crying...I just want to stop breathing.