Missing Something...

So I guess I'll start this one off with explaining how I injured myself. I slipped on some grease in the kitchen at work, landed on my tailbone, hit my head, and screwed up my wrists pretty badly. I guess being hurt is what kicked this whole thought process off. I had to take care of myself and nurse myself back to health alone. And that's when I realized how lonely I actually am. I have everything I could want at this point...a job, a car, friends, money...the only thing I'm missing is someone to share it with. Yeah yeah yeah everyone always says you gotta find happiness within yourself. Well guess what, those same people who say that are the ones that either have someone already, or lying to themselves as well because they know if they didnt have anyone, they would being in the same position I'm in now. I mean let's be honest people. Who wouldnt want someone who is their best friend that they can also be intimate with? It's what I crave more than ANYTHING at this point. To say I've been fucked over many times is an understatement. It's happened so many times now that I expect it; it's the norm.

More and more of my friends are getting married, and having kids that I'm sort of jealous. All my life has been so focused on my career and acting that I kind of miss what non-creative people have. Like how would my life have turned out if I did normal shit and was like an english major or going into law? Sometimes I wish I was just normal. I'm not being cocky when I say I'm talented. I acknowledge that I can do things that others can't and I'm very intelligent. But sometimes I wish I really was average. It would be so much easier to find someone compatible. And that's the biggest problem. When you strive for greatness, and you reach it, it's hard to find someone who has done the same.

It's lonely at the top.

*sighs* To wait at the top or step down to join the common man to have a companion?

Just keep swimming just keep swimming...

*sighs* Theres no better feeling than when things just fall into place. I know in my last post I was talking a lot about progress. Well i finally got my car. Yay me! It's a 2004 white Toyota camry. It's taking a lil while to get use to driving a midsize Sedan because all I ever driven were small cars.

In other news, my birthday is next Wednesday but were all gonna get some good grub at acme oyster house. Another year goes by and more lessons learned. I swear I am one wise 22 year old (sometimes a wise ass) lol one thing that i notice is every year it's always the same faces sitting around my birthday table. Although I don't always talk to these ppl everyday, these are my "old faithfuls" and I suppose they are the closest things that I have to friends.

My job is still pretty cool. Getting paid good money for doing practically nothing. And i'm meeting potential suitors to go on dates with. Met this cute retired army guy the other day who asked for my number. It's bitter sweet. Somedays I feel like the job is not conducive to trying to repair my self image and self esteem because I have to look "fuckable" but it's all worth it when a customer tells you how beautiful you are. So I guess the ends justify the means. Oh well now I'm just rambling.

Goals: -Cali by may 2011
-Pocket Beagle by 2013
-Bf/Husband by 2015

Ahh Sweet Success!

Life feels so good when you are actually making progress towards something...

1. THE JOB: I love my job. I feel like I work in a circus filled with characters. It's a lot like theater actually, only the script keeps changing. More like Improvisation. First off, money; money really does make the world go round it feels great to take home a BIG OL WAD OF CASH home everyday after work just in my tips from bartending. It's great! And since I'm such a homebody, I'm saving it all so it's nice to feel somewhat financially secure stable for right now until I really have to start paying bills.

2. HOME LIFE AFTER COLLEGE: Actually, I think it's gonna be ok at my dad's. I had a heart to heart with him a couple weeks ago and we ironed out some issues and talked about pet peeves. I think just once we become more familiar with each other again, it'll be fine.

3.MY CAR!!!!!!: UGH! I cannot tell you how long I've waited to get a car of my own. A lot of people and my friends take for granted the fact that they have cars. It's really hard when your parents don't make much money and the rest of the money they do make goes to monthly medical bills for me. I've waited for this for about 7 years now and if the "little birdie" is right, I might have it by next week! YAY!

4.ME: This is probably the most important move towards progress. I'm really trying to get myself physically healthy. What I'm doing to my body is hard on my heart and other organs so I really need to get it under control to save long term damage. But vanity is an ugly bitch that's hard to tackle.
****POSITIVES******
I am however at peace and really quite happy lately; and I'm happy just being with myself. Before I put to much trust in other things to make me happy: parents, family, friends, boyfriends, etc. But for the first time I think I'm getting back to being happy with just me, myself, and I.

So I say so far, my progress report is an A+ in the right direction and I will continue to stride content with myself, my car (fingers crossed), and my MOOLAH BITCHES! haha :)

Eclipse

Me and JAcob had quite a laugh over dinner today about the whole "edward" "Jacob" thing of. Y past. I am so team Bella at this point in my life. All about focusing on what I need in my life. I'm tired of running after guys and planning my life around them. Especially cold blooded ones. I need a guy whose warm and cuddly with me. We tried to go see the movie tonight but it was sold out. I guess we'll try again tomorrow

Roll with the punches...

So this week I've been feeling a bit weird because I've been trying to get my life in order. I've decided to get healthy: physically and emotionally. That means actually taking care of acknowledging and addressing the fact that I have a disease that needs to be managed for me to live. It's gonna be a challenge for me because my career and even my current job requires me to look "attractive" (whatever that means) and getting healthy means my bodys going to change. Hopefully I won't have to live in a state of dehydration. That also means gaining weight...something which is already happening. It isn't pleasant or fun carrying around extra weight cause it's tiring...and of course the whole not fitting in your clothes and constant critique by family isn't great either. It's been a real test to my self esteem.

Emotionally, I'm doing alright. I'm enjoying the new responsibilities I have at work. It's kinda stressful but it's good stress...makes me feel like I'm actually working towards something and not just working. Limited friends these days but for a good reason. Let's just say that i'm more selective of the friends I keep in my inner circle. I'm too young to carry resentment and work on old soiled friendships when I can create new exciting ones. Some you should keep like Mr. Simmons or how I like to call him "old faithful" lol or Miss Teamers whose my "now and later" because we can either talk now or way later and we'd still pick up where we left off. But I'm excited about the new people I've met so far at work and the promise of more great connections to come. Especially when I eventually move to California! It's gonna be joyous...nice weather, new city, NEW people. it's gonna be great.

I just have to remind myself to keep looking forward and never look back. My past has too many pockets of darkness I can dwell in. I must remember that the last person to fuck me over will not be the last. I must remember that not all people have open hearts or tell the truth. I have to accept that not everyone has their shit together like I may have. And most importantly I must allow those kind good natured people into my life to be cherished.

Got a lot of shit to work on/sort out/let go, but that's just life post grad.

Starting Over

So it's been about three weeks now since Ive moved back home and it's been very interesting so far. I've moved in with my father which has been a little rough with tons of tears and headaches. We just have to get used to one another. Also I got a job in the quarter working for my sister within the first week of moving home. I get paid pretty well for doing virtually nothing and I'm meeting interesting people in the process. It's also building up my self esteem with all the compliments I get :) I'll get my swag back sooner or later. I deserve to feel good about myself because I'm a good and attractive person. I can't wait to finally find my companion that will be honest and give unconditional love. Maybe I'll find him working at this job. Lol. It also helps that I get to work with a reliable friend everyday (that's a bonus).

Adulthood is daunting but I'm trying to get a grip. So far I don't have any bills to pay but I'm on my grind like I do. Maybe that's a good thing so when they do start ti come it won't be that big of a thing. Can't believe that college is over and I'll never be in school again. I think I actually miss the ability to sit in a class and gain knowledge in a certain subject. Don't get me wrong, I hated writing the papers but I miss the discussions.

Oh well, time to start a new chapter in life. Back in New Orleans, new job, new friends, new experiences. So is the life of D.

Graduated.

I can’t believe that I did it. I made it through college. Most people feel as though when they turn 21, they become an adult. But I think it’s when you get your degree and realize that you have completed something that you have prepared for since 5 years old, you truly are an adult. No more papers, no more exams, no more late night study sessions, no more early morning classes. When I think about everything I’ve gone through these past four years, it is truly amazing that I made it. Some question whether college is right for them. I don’t know where I would be without the college experience. I’ve learned so much and have grown so much as a person, that I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world. I’m also glad that I went to a school far away from home. I gained a greater sense of independence and it got me out of the small town bubble of New Orleans. I got to travel and see the world. I’ve accomplished things and seen things that most people will never do or see in their whole lives. I am so extremely lucky that I have parents that have a “where there’s a will there’s a way” mentality. Though we’re not the wealthiest of people, we know how to make do with what we have and make it worth our while.

I’ve also have a greater sense of self worth. These four years I’ve allowed myself to be used and stepped on. It really made me question my worthiness and existence in general. But it’s like the saying goes…”what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” And boy, am I strong now. I know that I’m worth a lot more than I give myself credit for. I’m driven, I’m extremely intelligent, I’m wise beyond my years, I am beautiful, and I have a caring heart. Too often I give too much of myself to others. But now that I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made in the past due to naïveté, I’m constantly in self preservation mode. I refuse to be hurt. I am no longer weak. Watch out. I’m more focused than I ever have been in the past. This steam train is on the way and isn’t slowing down anytime soon.