A new pep in my step

So I havent blogged in a while and that's probably because I haven't just been sitting on my ass anymore lol. So I LOVE my job. It motivates me to get up and do something everyday. I never knew how rewarding going to a job you actually like could be. I finally have MONEY! Thank God! It feels so good not to be broke anymore. But I guess the biggest plus from the job is the new friends that I'm making! I was so depressed earlier when I moved back here to find that I had no true friends left to hang out with in New Orleans. But my co-workers are cool as fuck and I'm glad I'm washing away the toxic relationships of the past for the new relationships developing now. So all in all, things are looking up a bit. Still wish I had my own place, still wish I had love, but I'm content with life at the moment.

Why me? Oh lord, why me? FML.

I swear God must love fucking with me. That's the only thing I can think of. There's absolutely no other explanation for the BULL MALARKY. I just can't catch a break can I? So I've been unemployed since oh I dont know, mid August, and I've must have sent out over 50 applications (no joke) for various jobs. Finally, I get a call for a job and get hired on the spot. I had orientation this morning and because of my appearance, resume, and demeanor I was asked to start tonight as well. This is sounding like a good day right?! And then BAM! I'm hit with this situation again and I can only ask "Why the fuck me?" Out of ALL the restaurants in the city, and out of ALL the applications I sent out, the situation would haunt me at the ONE place that called. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So I'm back in this shit again but I refuse to be back in the shit. I will kill with kindness. It will not enter the work place. I will stay professional and courteous when need be but I don't want to be in the nonsense. I wanted my work to offer new relationships and friendships and this dark cloud that seems to FOLLOW ME WHEREVER THE HELL I GO kinda spoils it a little.

I will just stay focused in doing a good job and pray that nothing will come of this. God, WHY do you keep testing me?

Headaches

Last week was so promising. Went on some interviews, went on some auditions and now it's just the waiting game. Waiting for email, phone calls, somebody saying you have an interview...or someone offering me a job!

I had an interview last week with for an entry level position for an office production assistant  for 600/week. The job was for a movie being shot down here til April and by the time it wrapped, if i got the job, I would have made close to 15gs! But I have a hunch they wanted someone with more experience. Damn! I would have done anything for that kind of money...even putting all my acting gigs on hold.  My mom and I decided that if it was God's will, he would call and offer me the job. There's 8 days left until the job starts...we'll see.

Other than that, its just been application after application with my standards getting lower and lower. Student loans start in about 2 weeks and I have til Nov. to make the first payment. This just causes one big migraine after another. Along with other things...

For the love of God, LEAVE ME ALONE.

To whom this may concern:

I don't have to call you out because you know who you are. This has gone on for way too long now. I don't know what else I can possibly do to get away from you. I hold no anger, no resentment, no feelings AT ALL now. I do not talk of you, I do not think about you anymore. I have tried to remove myself from all things associated with this MESS. Yet, I'm continually sought out for some odd reason. Whether it be to invite me to church, to tell me how you've moved on, wishing me the best, etc. --all things I don't care to know. And now after months of no contact, you come on my personal blog that I write for me to try to censor me?! I think not. I have every right to say what I want as a form of freedom of speech, especially when my words harm no one because they are thoughts for myself to read later. Not for anyone else and if you have a problem with that, that sounds like a personal problem to me. If my thoughts or ideas do not agree with yours and are causing you grief or animosity is someway, here's a simple solution: don't read my blog. Wow, it's that simple. I asked to be left alone so if you read this blog, you read at your own risk and I really don't want to hear whining about it. I don't dictate how people should think or live their lives so I don't expect  you to try to dictate mine.

This long drawn out saga really needs to end. Prove to me that you've truly grown up and let's settle this like adults now. No more contact.

Relief :)

So things have basically been the same...still no job, still bickering with Dad, still stuck at home. Yet something is different. I feel this strange sort of relief. Big things are happening as far as my acting career...got an audition tomorrow for a certain vampire movie that I won't say (hehe) and I have to speak Portuguese! Haha! It would be an honor just to get a call back for this film but the odds are against me. Though I have my fingers crossed that even if I don't get the part, I can make some connections out it. Got another audition on Wednesday in Baton Rouge and I have a potential hookup with a movie with Tracy Morgan, but thats still in preproduction. So that part of life is looking up.

I might sound like a bitch for this, but the reason for relief is because something that has caused me many headaches for the past couple years seems to have finally left me...the resentment I mean. Just the mere fact of knowing that the outcome was probably the best thing for my life is a relief. I just keep thinking about what could have happened and where I would have ended up and I literally shiver. I should have never settled and I'm soooooooo glad it didn't happen. Just wasn't the life for me. If I learned one thing from living with my dad, it's that I am no simpleton. And I can't live a simpleton's life. I reach for higher things, not laying around getting high. *Side note* I can't wait to make that song with you Troy-Peter Pan in the works baby! Anyways, so I'm glad I still have my "dignity" untouched and congrats to the one who can keep up with me and whos in love with my beauty AND brains.

And I'm gonna stop apologizing for being pretty. Blame my parents. :)

If I die before I wake...

I thought last night I was going to die. Seriously. I had lost all feeling in my extremities and my heart beat had slowed to like a light thump last night. I couldn't think straight and everything started to go to a fuzzy grey. I was in bed of course trying to sleep but I thought it might be my last slumber. I didn't die obviously but the thing that is most eerie to me is last night I managed to jot something down on paper...a farewell if you will. 

This morning I barely remember doing it and it reads like chicken scratch. Not to mention the contents of the note aren't very deep. I have to wonder, did I care that it might be my last night? From the note, it doesn't seem like it. But to die in your sleep is a luxury most are not able to receive. Most people die horrific deaths or are in agony in their final moments. I think last night I had a sense of...dare I say, peace. Finally, no more pain. No more thirst or shots or stress, worrying about money, being fucked over by men, having my heart broken over and over again. No more doctors, no more edema, no more diabetes, no more physical pain. It was almost like all the weight of the world had been lifted for those 15 minutes of sheer cold. The boulder had been removed and my body was shutting down saying, "Thanks, but I've had enough." And I can't even be mad at it. It's gone through so much. How many shocks can a body take to the system and still be ok? This is truly a test of mans resiliency. I think I'm really starting to believe in the power of the body to heal and repair itself. I was sure that I would be dead by 20. I kept telling myself I'm going to keel over at the age of 30, or have some horrific complication that''s gonna make me want to end it. I guess I'm slowly losing track of goals to reach, things to strive for. And am just kind of floating along now...not really caring where I float to.

Stifled

Have you ever gotten to the point where you just feel stifled? I feel as though someone just turned the faucet off on my creativity. I can't write. I can't paint. Everything just seems pointless...It's like a thirst that can't be quenched. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's a funk that I've never experienced before and I've been in some serious funks before. I just feel like BLAH. There's just no motivation to do anything. I feel like the days just melt into one another. I don't even know what fucking time or day it is right now. And when you're by yourself all the time, it starts to take a toll on you. I feel like I'm a prisoner to myself...trapped in a cell made of nothing. I need a fuckin change. Something's gotta change. New glasses given me a little bit of a constant headache while my eyes get used to looking through something foreign.

I wondering if I'm harboring some unaddressed issues or something. I feel an inkling of anger or some sort of inclination to want to yell right now. Or maybe it's my effort to try to fight this comatose state I'm in where I literally don't utter a sound all day. There's no reason to say anything when there's no one here and fuck if I start talking to myself...that's not cool. I'm just tired of everyone telling me to get out the house and go somewhere by myself and enjoy the day. Enjoy the day doing fucking what? Either way I'm still alone only now I've wasted gas and I'm lonely in a new location. What people don't understand about me is that I'm not a hermit. I don't revel in deep thinking alone. I'm a social private person meaning that I like to be social but I like my privacy. But privacy and solitude are two different things. I can't do the latter.

I'm rambling now but I mean what other option do I have. This is the most communication I've had all day and A. it's with a computer and B. I still have yet to utter a word.

-D