Back.

Hello world. I'm back.

I had to take a brief hiatus because the last blog I wrote wasn't me...It was one of the meanest things I've ever written so I pulled it and re-evaluated my reaction; no one should ever have that much power to change me like that.

But that chapter is OVER. Thank god.

So where am I you may ask as far as frame of mind? I'm good. I'm just chillin or coasting right now. I'm doing me and living my life. I've done everything I wanted to accomplish so far in life; I've followed the plan I made for myself when I was younger and now its almost time to write the new plan. Graduation is in May...I managed to stay focus and get college done in 4 years where a lot of my friends still have another year or two. Time for the real world, which is both exciting and daunting to me, but like a trouper I will press on. I'm ready for the next stage in my life. Moving back to New Orleans will be an experience. I'm worried about getting trapped there. If I could, I would move straight to California...I just don't have the means right now so New Orleans is the destination for a little while. I have to keep telling myself that it's only temporary. *Sighs* So many things have changed now that I feel torn about my decisions because it affects other people now. I have to decide to either stick to my plan and be selfish or try to alter my plan to the detriment of my initial promises and goals...There's just so much stuff that's up in the air and I don't like it because I like to have things planned out. I guess I can't control everything in life. So for now, I will just coast til I have to make a turn and decide when I get to the fork in the road.

The other side of life :)

I never get to make it to this side very often. It's territory that I'm mostly unfamiliar with. I usually tread with caution but this time I'm throwing caution to the wind. This time it's different. This time I have a guide to depend on and to keep me safe. It's like I'm seeing the world for the first time. And I owe it all to my love. Love transcends all boundaries an takes you to different heights, different dimensions, different states of being. He doesn't know it yet, but he's the definition of love to me. What can you do when words just aren't enough? How can you get across a feeling that is beyond all earthly definitions?

I can't believe it's almost a month already. Time just seems to cease to exist since I've been with TJ. A lot of my blogs have been focused on trying to find "my happy." I truly believe that I've finally found it in him. Yes, things have been rocky but we've gotten through it together.

Who knows where this will lead...but I'm ready to go the distance with his hand in mine. My heart has finally been released. I love you Terence.

The L Word

Ahh :) It's been so nice lately...finally being able to be happy. I thought that we would never make it to this point, through all the adversity we had to face just to BE together. And now that we are, I'm gonna do everything I can to hold on to Love. Because I'm convinced that's what it is...Love. It was love that got us through the distance, through the threats, through the fears...And it's going to be Love that gets us through the next 5 months. It's been a world wind since Bella met Edward but she still stuck with him through it all. They've entered a new phase and Bella is exciting about what's to come. She knows that Edward sometimes worries about the world that he's opened Bella's eyes too...dangerous situations with new monsters to deal with. But Bella isn't going anywhere.

I went to Lake Charles to meet the parentals and all important brother...I was welcomed with open arms :) It went so well and they genuinely seem to like me, which is important if im trying to become part of the fam. It's all finally falling into place :)

A word to the wise: Life and Love are about risks. You will never know how great a reward finding love is if u never got for it or are not willing to make sacrifices. Live your life for yourself or it will be you who will miss out. We made many sacrifices for our love...but in the end, we are happy and that's all that matters.

Relapse

I don't know the last time I cried so much.

Today I got a visit from someone in my past out of the blue that triggered off a chain of events tonight that wasn't pretty. I can't express how deeply this visit played with my head...it was like seeing the demon man from your dreams open your front door. Things that I have supressed since I was 7 all came rushing back at once over taking any type of logic. All of a sudden, I was that 7 year old again. I was in the same house, the same room where it took place. How was I supposed to sleep now? I might as well stay awake since my nightmares are now reality. Maybe if I pop some pills? Who could I run to? Tonight I am alone..lying on the floor. I'm so fucked up now...

It's not fair to push this on anyone else. Boyfriend already dealing with so much. I hopped in the shower...I just wanted to stay in there forever. My eyes were competing with the faucet, thought I'd drown. But I'm drowning in sorrow and pain right now...alone. I want things to be fine...please somebody tell me that things will be fine. So many thoughts are running through my head...I just want to yell at my brain and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!"

I called...and called...and nobody answered. Maybe that's my answer. I'm just numb.

I'm fucked up. Damaged Goods. I spoil everything. And I can't stop crying...I just want to stop breathing.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...and the crazies are just space cadets...

This weekend was a real test of my patience...I finally know what Helen of Troy must have felt like: to have armies fight over your presence. It's a very strange feeling. My boyfriend and I have only recently announced our relationship and already it's like the Earth has exploded. People's true colors and their maturity level showed their ugly heads this weekend. As of right now, my relationship isn't just between me and him...it's a relationship between me, him, and like 4 or 5 other people lol That's what happens when people can't leave well enough alone. Oh how I wish that we could just have time with each other. This relationship has been a year in the making and now I just want to enjoy just being together and enjoy each other.

I'm in my own Twilight story...I finally have my Edward but we're being stalked by Victoria who is obsessed with my Edward. She's always trying to kill us or our love. Poor Jacob is caught up in it because in my Twilight story (which should be called Full Moon cause crazy shit always happens) Jacob is actually related to Edward and one of my best friends. Our army is small compared to the various Vampires that Victoria seems to be able to gather to go against Edward and me. Edward left me once before because he wanted to protect me but like Bella, this time I'm ready to fight on the line next to him holding his hand. I might have been weak before but I'm ready this time and I will not let Victoria get the upper hand.

I'm amazed at the strength I had this weekend. When put in the same predicament last year, I was weak and too concerned with being apologetic just to appease someone. Well not anymore. I have gained my confidence back and I will not let someone make me less worthy of what I have. I'll cruise in the spaceship with him and all crazies can just stay space cadets. Maybe one day they'll come back to earth and be normal again but until then, let them float in the vast space of space looking at us pass them by.

Nostalgia is a bitch

Nostalgia is a bitch that eats at the center of your soul.

It's a state I turn to often but tonight was only further intensified by the addition of alcohol and a feeling of loneliness. Most people enjoy reminiscing about the past but I find for me, it brings me to a dark place. My heart literally aches and longs for the past. It brings about a tightness in my chest and a heightened sense of anxiety. I wish I had my Xanax right now...

I have a lot of regrets in life and if I could, I would hop in a time machine and do it all over, very differently. But at the end of the day, all you have is the present because the future isn't guarenteed. So while I want to be hopeful, I can't because I don't have a crystal ball. So what's the point of wishing if you can't deal with the shit in the present, for the present effects the future. That's why I never understood optimism...I understand realism. For some people realism gets mistaken for pessimism but if your reality is awful, how can you not be a negative realist?

I so want to believe that I'm wrong but somehow I feel that I'm not. Does that make me cynical? Maybe. I want to be wrong about this time, but I believe in patterns...and this seems to fit. But GOD, I want to believe in truth and virtue and honesty again. I don't want to live in a box of Karuna and Bhayanaka...but in a world of Hasya and Santa from the greatest Sanskrit word of Sringara: LOVE.

As I sleep, I can only dream of a Loveful tomorrow. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Exhausted but Optimistic

I'm so glad that I'm going home in 3 days! I just gotta make it till Friday. I have a huge Bio of Sex exam tomorrow at 7:30 (yuck) a 10 short essay take home final for my Race & Ethnicity, and a 20 page research paper for my Family Health Problems class. I'm sleep deprived, not feeling well, and trying to stay in a positive state of mind. I feel as though the better I'm getting with myself, people around me are crumbling. My mind is trying to speak to them rationally but I often feel like I don't have a right to contribute advice considering what happened a couple weeks ago. And I guess you can say I'm giving advice to help them, yes, but also for my own selfish reasons because my heart aches for friendships, companionship...that type of stuff.

On the bright side, some broken friendships have been fixed and old friendships have been renewed. I don't want to speak too soon though because I know how quickly feelings can change. I'm just hoping for the best. This is really weird because I haven't been home in 5 months and a lot of changes has happened at home over that period of time. I'm just excited for a month long break without classes and homework and tests. And boy do I need a break.

Everything is beginning to fix itself, except...this pulsing thing in my chest and this squishy thing in my head. Always in some sort of conflict. I've let my brain run my life for a while and I wanna know what its like to follow my heart. My heart's been achy for a while now and I just wanna fix it. But is this "fix" gonna be temporary again or permanent this time? Last time I went with the temporary fix, it ended up making it worse, making it infected and constant pain. Time got rid of the infection and I learned to just deal with the sporadic tinges of pain. Now the same question presents itself to me again. I'm gonna go with the permanent solution. I just hope it isn't a knock off. I need the real deal. Maybe it'll work for my heart. We'll see.