Nostalgia is a bitch

Nostalgia is a bitch that eats at the center of your soul.

It's a state I turn to often but tonight was only further intensified by the addition of alcohol and a feeling of loneliness. Most people enjoy reminiscing about the past but I find for me, it brings me to a dark place. My heart literally aches and longs for the past. It brings about a tightness in my chest and a heightened sense of anxiety. I wish I had my Xanax right now...

I have a lot of regrets in life and if I could, I would hop in a time machine and do it all over, very differently. But at the end of the day, all you have is the present because the future isn't guarenteed. So while I want to be hopeful, I can't because I don't have a crystal ball. So what's the point of wishing if you can't deal with the shit in the present, for the present effects the future. That's why I never understood optimism...I understand realism. For some people realism gets mistaken for pessimism but if your reality is awful, how can you not be a negative realist?

I so want to believe that I'm wrong but somehow I feel that I'm not. Does that make me cynical? Maybe. I want to be wrong about this time, but I believe in patterns...and this seems to fit. But GOD, I want to believe in truth and virtue and honesty again. I don't want to live in a box of Karuna and Bhayanaka...but in a world of Hasya and Santa from the greatest Sanskrit word of Sringara: LOVE.

As I sleep, I can only dream of a Loveful tomorrow. We'll see what tomorrow brings.