This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters...

Here I am once again, alone on a Friday night.

Tried drawing...that passed a couple of hours.

Ha.


I just can't seem to focus on doing anywork on anything. I have soooo much due but I can't seem to muster any motivation to finish anything. Something's been disconnected in the hard wiring of my brain. My brain is just floating with random things: Meditation, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, ALPRAZOLAM, Field Notes, Narrations, Greek Monologues, Fall Out Boy, Twilight, ALPRAZOLAM, Lack of friends, ALPRAZOLAM, ESCITALOPRAM, METRONIDAZOLE, Graduation Graduation, HOME, HOME, ALPRAZOLAM.

Trying to avoid being in the same hairy situation...Sometimes I think I deserve to feel a great sense of lonliness. And other times, I think Why me?

****ALPRAZOLAM BREAK******

I would rather die a quiet death and be no more, than living life in hardships with few rays of sunshine. There's not enough sunshine in the day to break me out of this funk.

"I don't wanna be lonely, I just want to be alone..."- Silverchair

Tonight has made me think of the old childhood saying that was suppose to give you comfort when you got in a fight: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. I think you have a greater chance of surviving sticks and stones than words. Words cut like a knife. The phrase really out to be From stick and stones, I will heal, but words will get someone killed. We are socially beings and the most intelligent species on the planet. Everything has to do with words and the feelings of others towards you. If anyone disagrees, I dare you to live in solitary confinement and see if you remain sane...remain your same self...a self that was created and molded by the feelings and thoughts of other individuals (your parents, your friends, your teachers, society). Sometimes we say things in the heat of passion, anger, frustration---I HOPE YOU DIE! GO GET CANCER! JUST KILL YOURSELF! I HATE YOU!---We say these things because we're trying to express to other person how much we're in pain so we translate that by shouting something equally as hurtful to the other person. But I would challenge anyone to think about the other person through your pain. What damage might you cause to this person? And even if not immediate, what about long term? You never know what each human being is going through at the time, and your one random expression of pain through your words may be the last thing you say to that person through unexpected deaths or...planned ones. I know that in my current state, I couldn't take any more words. Just stone me do death if you must.

I have a keen sense of awareness and rely on my guts to tell me when somethings up...my guts are in knots and I feel a storm is brewing...

"Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address
On the same old loneliness"- Fall Out Boy

Fuck me.