Alone Part 2: Saturday Night

2nd night of the weekend, still in the same position at last night.

Alprazolam, also known to everyone else in the world as Xanax, is starting to kick it. It keeps me in a quasi reality. It also makes it easier to the endure the silence that I've been experiencing since 1 in the afternoon today. It's hard to go the entire day without uttering words from your mouth to another human being...but somehow I manage to do the impossible. I can't even muster a laugh at my own sarcasm.

Life is just hard. Especially when Escitalopram, commonly known as the SSRI medication Lexipro, may increase my "bad thoughts"-for lack of a better euphemism- before I start to feel better.

The loneliness of it all is what's eating me up inside. I just feel trapped. Trapped in upstate NY, Trapped in Ithaca, Trapped in college, trapped in the four walls of a room...trapped inside my own mind.

Sometimes my sadness and loneliness manifests itself in the form of rage, and I'm forced to rage against the machine. My bodies trying to funtion normally but there's this hungry beast inside of me that's been growing for 21 years and hasn't eaten in 5 years. It's eating me alive in trying to get out but I'm afraid of bloodbath that will happen if it's released. No matter how I describe it figuratively, no one will understand the torment my head is causing me.

I think it's pathetic that I sit here staring at my computer, staring at my phone, just hoping that someone will remember that I'm alive. Everyone keeps saying that how do they know if something's wrong with me if I don't tell them. And my answer to that is because it's hard! How can I possibly reach out to people who I haven't spoken to in awhile and just unload my problems? And the thing that really makes me angry about that sentiment is the fact that if I had friends, they would have known something was wrong. Why is it they everyone runs to your rescue when it a crisis but when things settle down, disappear? It's the same problem with the health care center. It's a lack of "Refocusing Upstream." If all you do is treat a problem without preventative action, most likely more problems will occur. If you claim to be my friend and only try to stop me from quitting on life without being there in my life, most likely one day i'll just end up...more problems will occur.

And just for shits and giggles, If you read this blog or have any thoughts, comment, maybe just to let me know that I'm not just talking to myself and that my only friend is not this computer and the thoughts in my head. Then I can prove my point...but to whom? haha I'll be pathetically proving a point to myself that I already agree with. Great.

F. M. L.