I'M GOING TO LOSE IT

I swear to God I'm going to fucking lose it! I'm absolutely miserable here. I feel like a fucking prisoner. My face is all broken out from stress, I'm not sleeping, and I feel like I'm going to die. Everyday is a screaming match with my father and a sea of uncomfortableness with my stepmom. I lost my job a couple of weeks ago because my position was removed by the owners so every day I sit at home and just watch tv and get fat of course. Living here is killing all the remaining respect I had my father and I am becoming more and more enraged. He doesnt under me...something's gotta give or else I'm going to lose it!

Unemployment.

These past couple weeks have been pretty rough just because I've been bored and uninspired. I guess that translates into falling into a depression because the cosmic forces seem to be pushing signs my way that to the world, I seem depressed. And I guess it's true. At this point I've seemed to subconsciously pushing people away and alienating myself. I guess it's because I feel stifled creatively and self doubting this quest I'm on to essential be a movie star as retarded as that may sound. That's what it is though. I don't know. I just feel kind of stagnant right now. And a person to talk to or a best friend would really be nice right now. I'm hoping that my mother can provide some kind of comfort when she comes to town on Wednesday. Honestly, I'm not really trying to find a job right now until I spend time with my mom. I got enough money in the bank right now to just coast right now if I don't do any lavish spending. *Sighs* Just rambling now, think I'm gonna try to draw something now. Out.

Missing Something...

So I guess I'll start this one off with explaining how I injured myself. I slipped on some grease in the kitchen at work, landed on my tailbone, hit my head, and screwed up my wrists pretty badly. I guess being hurt is what kicked this whole thought process off. I had to take care of myself and nurse myself back to health alone. And that's when I realized how lonely I actually am. I have everything I could want at this point...a job, a car, friends, money...the only thing I'm missing is someone to share it with. Yeah yeah yeah everyone always says you gotta find happiness within yourself. Well guess what, those same people who say that are the ones that either have someone already, or lying to themselves as well because they know if they didnt have anyone, they would being in the same position I'm in now. I mean let's be honest people. Who wouldnt want someone who is their best friend that they can also be intimate with? It's what I crave more than ANYTHING at this point. To say I've been fucked over many times is an understatement. It's happened so many times now that I expect it; it's the norm.

More and more of my friends are getting married, and having kids that I'm sort of jealous. All my life has been so focused on my career and acting that I kind of miss what non-creative people have. Like how would my life have turned out if I did normal shit and was like an english major or going into law? Sometimes I wish I was just normal. I'm not being cocky when I say I'm talented. I acknowledge that I can do things that others can't and I'm very intelligent. But sometimes I wish I really was average. It would be so much easier to find someone compatible. And that's the biggest problem. When you strive for greatness, and you reach it, it's hard to find someone who has done the same.

It's lonely at the top.

*sighs* To wait at the top or step down to join the common man to have a companion?

Just keep swimming just keep swimming...

*sighs* Theres no better feeling than when things just fall into place. I know in my last post I was talking a lot about progress. Well i finally got my car. Yay me! It's a 2004 white Toyota camry. It's taking a lil while to get use to driving a midsize Sedan because all I ever driven were small cars.

In other news, my birthday is next Wednesday but were all gonna get some good grub at acme oyster house. Another year goes by and more lessons learned. I swear I am one wise 22 year old (sometimes a wise ass) lol one thing that i notice is every year it's always the same faces sitting around my birthday table. Although I don't always talk to these ppl everyday, these are my "old faithfuls" and I suppose they are the closest things that I have to friends.

My job is still pretty cool. Getting paid good money for doing practically nothing. And i'm meeting potential suitors to go on dates with. Met this cute retired army guy the other day who asked for my number. It's bitter sweet. Somedays I feel like the job is not conducive to trying to repair my self image and self esteem because I have to look "fuckable" but it's all worth it when a customer tells you how beautiful you are. So I guess the ends justify the means. Oh well now I'm just rambling.

Goals: -Cali by may 2011
-Pocket Beagle by 2013
-Bf/Husband by 2015

Ahh Sweet Success!

Life feels so good when you are actually making progress towards something...

1. THE JOB: I love my job. I feel like I work in a circus filled with characters. It's a lot like theater actually, only the script keeps changing. More like Improvisation. First off, money; money really does make the world go round it feels great to take home a BIG OL WAD OF CASH home everyday after work just in my tips from bartending. It's great! And since I'm such a homebody, I'm saving it all so it's nice to feel somewhat financially secure stable for right now until I really have to start paying bills.

2. HOME LIFE AFTER COLLEGE: Actually, I think it's gonna be ok at my dad's. I had a heart to heart with him a couple weeks ago and we ironed out some issues and talked about pet peeves. I think just once we become more familiar with each other again, it'll be fine.

3.MY CAR!!!!!!: UGH! I cannot tell you how long I've waited to get a car of my own. A lot of people and my friends take for granted the fact that they have cars. It's really hard when your parents don't make much money and the rest of the money they do make goes to monthly medical bills for me. I've waited for this for about 7 years now and if the "little birdie" is right, I might have it by next week! YAY!

4.ME: This is probably the most important move towards progress. I'm really trying to get myself physically healthy. What I'm doing to my body is hard on my heart and other organs so I really need to get it under control to save long term damage. But vanity is an ugly bitch that's hard to tackle.
****POSITIVES******
I am however at peace and really quite happy lately; and I'm happy just being with myself. Before I put to much trust in other things to make me happy: parents, family, friends, boyfriends, etc. But for the first time I think I'm getting back to being happy with just me, myself, and I.

So I say so far, my progress report is an A+ in the right direction and I will continue to stride content with myself, my car (fingers crossed), and my MOOLAH BITCHES! haha :)

Eclipse

Me and JAcob had quite a laugh over dinner today about the whole "edward" "Jacob" thing of. Y past. I am so team Bella at this point in my life. All about focusing on what I need in my life. I'm tired of running after guys and planning my life around them. Especially cold blooded ones. I need a guy whose warm and cuddly with me. We tried to go see the movie tonight but it was sold out. I guess we'll try again tomorrow

Roll with the punches...

So this week I've been feeling a bit weird because I've been trying to get my life in order. I've decided to get healthy: physically and emotionally. That means actually taking care of acknowledging and addressing the fact that I have a disease that needs to be managed for me to live. It's gonna be a challenge for me because my career and even my current job requires me to look "attractive" (whatever that means) and getting healthy means my bodys going to change. Hopefully I won't have to live in a state of dehydration. That also means gaining weight...something which is already happening. It isn't pleasant or fun carrying around extra weight cause it's tiring...and of course the whole not fitting in your clothes and constant critique by family isn't great either. It's been a real test to my self esteem.

Emotionally, I'm doing alright. I'm enjoying the new responsibilities I have at work. It's kinda stressful but it's good stress...makes me feel like I'm actually working towards something and not just working. Limited friends these days but for a good reason. Let's just say that i'm more selective of the friends I keep in my inner circle. I'm too young to carry resentment and work on old soiled friendships when I can create new exciting ones. Some you should keep like Mr. Simmons or how I like to call him "old faithful" lol or Miss Teamers whose my "now and later" because we can either talk now or way later and we'd still pick up where we left off. But I'm excited about the new people I've met so far at work and the promise of more great connections to come. Especially when I eventually move to California! It's gonna be joyous...nice weather, new city, NEW people. it's gonna be great.

I just have to remind myself to keep looking forward and never look back. My past has too many pockets of darkness I can dwell in. I must remember that the last person to fuck me over will not be the last. I must remember that not all people have open hearts or tell the truth. I have to accept that not everyone has their shit together like I may have. And most importantly I must allow those kind good natured people into my life to be cherished.

Got a lot of shit to work on/sort out/let go, but that's just life post grad.