My brain

I don't have a title for this blog. I just feel like writing a stream of consciousness because I'm feeling a wave a different emotions so here goes nothing:

I'm feeling very pissed jealous why isn't my phone ringing what the fuck is going on i hate him i hate her i hate them fuck everyone fuck myself fuck my life haven't been fucked in a while haven't been loved in a while why can't i still be with Delvin sighs all guys are assholes i just want to have a boyfriend i don't want to be lonely i want to have friends and true friends fuck fake friends or frienemies, gotta lot of those, just wants to do a master cleanse, a master cleanse of people in my life and start over, not diseased, skinny, back to when i was 14, it sucks not being popular anymore was my popularity in high school only because the guys wanted me? at least i was wanted at one time, now im disposable, no one remembers me, I GIVE SO FUCKIN MUCH, I BARE MY SOUL, AND GET NOTHING IN RETURN. I hate the world, I hate being here, I wish my attempt was successful, I wonder how many people would have been there? Would they have cried or felt guilty, I wish somebody would feel fuckin guilty, i wish I didn't have to hear about other ppls petty bullshit, i wish i had compassion and wasn't cynical, i'm selfish but i deserve to be selfish, my life is hard, and fuck anybody who gives my life a comparison to someone who's homeless or bullshit, i just wanna poke everybody with the fucking syringes that i have to do everyday, i want to poke them and poke them til they bleed and bleed a river for all the blood and tears I'VE lost. I just wanna punch something, punch something til im fuckin exhausted, so i can melt into my bed and cry a sea of tears and then have my imaginary friend come and comfort me, maybe ill just dehydrate myself again so i can hallucinate a friend. I don't know how much i can deal with this alone FUCK HIM he's never there when I need him, Everyone else forgets me, She's fucking shady, surrounded by liars who will smile in your face and then stab you in the back Oh she's so fuckin pretty, Sometimes I catch myself staring at you and I'm in awe of your beauty FucK THAT bUllshti! she's so pretyt she's so pretty...fucking broken record, ugh why do i put myself through this, must be a glutton for punishment grrrr I hate myself lost all confidence drink more water drink more water dehydration equals skinny drink more water living in a hell whole just wanna stop got get back to being desirable by boys and friends again this is sad. I am pathetic. Have nothing else to say.

Alone Part 2: Saturday Night

2nd night of the weekend, still in the same position at last night.

Alprazolam, also known to everyone else in the world as Xanax, is starting to kick it. It keeps me in a quasi reality. It also makes it easier to the endure the silence that I've been experiencing since 1 in the afternoon today. It's hard to go the entire day without uttering words from your mouth to another human being...but somehow I manage to do the impossible. I can't even muster a laugh at my own sarcasm.

Life is just hard. Especially when Escitalopram, commonly known as the SSRI medication Lexipro, may increase my "bad thoughts"-for lack of a better euphemism- before I start to feel better.

The loneliness of it all is what's eating me up inside. I just feel trapped. Trapped in upstate NY, Trapped in Ithaca, Trapped in college, trapped in the four walls of a room...trapped inside my own mind.

Sometimes my sadness and loneliness manifests itself in the form of rage, and I'm forced to rage against the machine. My bodies trying to funtion normally but there's this hungry beast inside of me that's been growing for 21 years and hasn't eaten in 5 years. It's eating me alive in trying to get out but I'm afraid of bloodbath that will happen if it's released. No matter how I describe it figuratively, no one will understand the torment my head is causing me.

I think it's pathetic that I sit here staring at my computer, staring at my phone, just hoping that someone will remember that I'm alive. Everyone keeps saying that how do they know if something's wrong with me if I don't tell them. And my answer to that is because it's hard! How can I possibly reach out to people who I haven't spoken to in awhile and just unload my problems? And the thing that really makes me angry about that sentiment is the fact that if I had friends, they would have known something was wrong. Why is it they everyone runs to your rescue when it a crisis but when things settle down, disappear? It's the same problem with the health care center. It's a lack of "Refocusing Upstream." If all you do is treat a problem without preventative action, most likely more problems will occur. If you claim to be my friend and only try to stop me from quitting on life without being there in my life, most likely one day i'll just end up...more problems will occur.

And just for shits and giggles, If you read this blog or have any thoughts, comment, maybe just to let me know that I'm not just talking to myself and that my only friend is not this computer and the thoughts in my head. Then I can prove my point...but to whom? haha I'll be pathetically proving a point to myself that I already agree with. Great.

F. M. L.

This has been said so many times that I'm not sure if it matters...

Here I am once again, alone on a Friday night.

Tried drawing...that passed a couple of hours.

Ha.


I just can't seem to focus on doing anywork on anything. I have soooo much due but I can't seem to muster any motivation to finish anything. Something's been disconnected in the hard wiring of my brain. My brain is just floating with random things: Meditation, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, ALPRAZOLAM, Field Notes, Narrations, Greek Monologues, Fall Out Boy, Twilight, ALPRAZOLAM, Lack of friends, ALPRAZOLAM, ESCITALOPRAM, METRONIDAZOLE, Graduation Graduation, HOME, HOME, ALPRAZOLAM.

Trying to avoid being in the same hairy situation...Sometimes I think I deserve to feel a great sense of lonliness. And other times, I think Why me?

****ALPRAZOLAM BREAK******

I would rather die a quiet death and be no more, than living life in hardships with few rays of sunshine. There's not enough sunshine in the day to break me out of this funk.

"I don't wanna be lonely, I just want to be alone..."- Silverchair

Tonight has made me think of the old childhood saying that was suppose to give you comfort when you got in a fight: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. I think you have a greater chance of surviving sticks and stones than words. Words cut like a knife. The phrase really out to be From stick and stones, I will heal, but words will get someone killed. We are socially beings and the most intelligent species on the planet. Everything has to do with words and the feelings of others towards you. If anyone disagrees, I dare you to live in solitary confinement and see if you remain sane...remain your same self...a self that was created and molded by the feelings and thoughts of other individuals (your parents, your friends, your teachers, society). Sometimes we say things in the heat of passion, anger, frustration---I HOPE YOU DIE! GO GET CANCER! JUST KILL YOURSELF! I HATE YOU!---We say these things because we're trying to express to other person how much we're in pain so we translate that by shouting something equally as hurtful to the other person. But I would challenge anyone to think about the other person through your pain. What damage might you cause to this person? And even if not immediate, what about long term? You never know what each human being is going through at the time, and your one random expression of pain through your words may be the last thing you say to that person through unexpected deaths or...planned ones. I know that in my current state, I couldn't take any more words. Just stone me do death if you must.

I have a keen sense of awareness and rely on my guts to tell me when somethings up...my guts are in knots and I feel a storm is brewing...

"Now talking's just a waste of breath
And living's just a waste of death
And why put a new address
On the same old loneliness"- Fall Out Boy

Fuck me.

Recovery

Well I'm finally out of the hospital. I guess

I mean, I don't really know what to say actually. Funny that I'm writing a blog and can't find the right words to explain myself. So I'm not going to explain myself and just leave it as what it is.


I'm hoping that the pills will help my anxiety. And as for the other stuff, I hope talking will help.

I'm constantly climbing uphill but I got to drop off a little baggage...I finally had the courage to be honest with my parents about what was going on, but most importantly, I was finally honest with myself. I wanna be optimistic but I've let myself down so many times before. It scares me but I'm gonna try my hardest this time, because I don't want any more "next times" because who knows how much time I'll actually have if I continue on the path I'm on.

I guess all I can ask is of myself is to not give up. But like I've said before, it's hard to motivate yourself when you're by yourself.

I guess today was better?

Last night I didn't get much sleep. For some reason I didn't want to sleep. Usually I don't have this problem because I'm an insomniac and don't have a decision in the matter of not sleeping. But last night was different. I was tired but I made the decision to stay up. After reaching 7 am however, I was defeated and crawled in bed. I wish I hadn't. I dreamt that I was trying to off myself. It was only a two hour sleep before my alarm went off to start on yet another day in life.

Still had a lack of energy. Still was a walking zombie. However there was short sparks of light today. I learned that I was missed. This semester I hadn't be doing any other than taking class. No Rock Hard, no ALS, no Spit That...I guess you can say I've been ghost on campus. Well I went to the pub today to eat lunch and was surprised to find that people had actually noticed that I haven't been around. And just now right before I wrote this blog, my roommate just informed me that people were asking for me yet again. This brings a quiet smile to my face. It's the little things like that that make you feel like you have a purpose. Maybe if I left this world tomorrow, some people would notice.

They don't know it, but those people who asked for me today might have made the difference between me downing a bottle and waking up tomorrow. Which further makes me wonder:

Is someone up there trying to tell me something?

Just 4 pills before bed tonight.

It's all downhill...again.

Today I had an anxiety attack. A bad directing class triggered it and when thinking about the actual event that took place, it's not that monumental of an event. But because of the week I've been having...the year i've been havingthe LIFE I'VE BEEN HAVING, I guess it all just came to the surface today. Now I'm being sucked down this horrible dark spiral that I can't get out off. I stared at a bottle of pills for quite a while tonight. That's when the what ifs started playing in my head, which is never a good sign..

what if i take 10 pills?

what if i down the bottle?

how long would it take for someone to come find me?

It doesn't take a genius to know that once you start asking yourself those type of questions, something's wrong. I called the counseling center here...ha what a fucking joke that is. All appointments are booked until after break and they don't take walk-ins unless you have a fucking knife to your veins. Is that what it's gonna take? Me crumbling to the point where I want to be no more? Perhaps. I'm reaching out for someone's hand to pull me out of this spiral but I keep slipping through their fingers. So now I'm here. My only friend. My computer. And the really funny and ironic thing is I'm still only talking to myself.

I survived today...but just barely. Let's see how I do tomorrow.

The Return of Nikki

Yes, I am back to blogger. I tried my own blog site for a while but I realized I got too wrapped up in the design aspect of the site that I forgot to actually blog. So I'm back.

This time I'm not gonna get stuck in gloomy holes, nor am I gonna write about rainbows and sunshine. I'm just gonna write about what is. Where I am in the present at this time.

Currently, I'm super stressed trying to figure out how to support myself once I graduate. I guess I'm trying to answer the question that "adults" have been asking me for years about my Acting degree. I'm writing down ideas but then again they're just ideas, nothing solid. I know that I will be moving back home to New Orleans before the final move to California...but once again I'm not in any rush considering I'm broke. So if any of you have any suggestions about what I should do, I'm all ears.

And if anyone wants to be my friend again, that would be great too.

D.